Is the nastiness an attempt to exercise some power?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Nastiness" tends to be one of two things: an expression of frustration, or, as you put it, and attempt to exercise power.

But many have personality changes with strokes that leave them "nasty" as well, and your charge had one. But you say they were nasty before the stroke. So, it sounds like you are just dealing with a frustrated person who was awful to begin with and now feels the need to exercise any kind of power they can. Trifecta. Get out of there.

+1. Don't put yourself in harms way, OP. You might be her "safe" person to rage on. MIL was like this, so I am not 1:1 with her, or she turns into....something truly special......

Can you get a caretaker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Nastiness" tends to be one of two things: an expression of frustration, or, as you put it, and attempt to exercise power.

But many have personality changes with strokes that leave them "nasty" as well, and your charge had one. But you say they were nasty before the stroke. So, it sounds like you are just dealing with a frustrated person who was awful to begin with and now feels the need to exercise any kind of power they can. Trifecta. Get out of there.

+1. Don't put yourself in harms way, OP. You might be her "safe" person to rage on. MIL was like this, so I am not 1:1 with her, or she turns into....something truly special......

Can you get a caretaker?

Meant to add, in my MIL's case, she absolutely can be nasty in order to exert power. It could stem from (or have been exacerbated by) how FIL treated her, but I suspect she has always been this way, as DH has shared some remarkable stories from his upbringing, regarding her behaviors.

[Anonymous]

OP, is some degree of regained independence expected? If not, consult a lawyer so they can spend down (get some caretakers in NOW) and qualify for Medicaid facility.

My elderly mom is very abusive to family but cooperative with hired caregivers. Take yourself out of the equation.

If they had a stroke, they had a discharge plan. Next time they are hospitalized say you cannot care for them. The hospital social worker will make another plan.

It's not doing either of you any favors. All the cortisol from raging at you is not great for their brain either. Again, take yourself out of the caregiving equation.

[Anonymous]

If you are a family caretaker new to this, you should review information on brain disease/injury. Get in a support group.

Take care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Nastiness" tends to be one of two things: an expression of frustration, or, as you put it, and attempt to exercise power.

But many have personality changes with strokes that leave them "nasty" as well, and your charge had one. But you say they were nasty before the stroke. So, it sounds like you are just dealing with a frustrated person who was awful to begin with and now feels the need to exercise any kind of power they can. Trifecta. Get out of there.

+1. Don't put yourself in harms way, OP. You might be her "safe" person to rage on. MIL was like this, so I am not 1:1 with her, or she turns into....something truly special......

Can you get a caretaker?

Meant to add, in my MIL's case, she absolutely can be nasty in order to exert power. It could stem from (or have been exacerbated by) how FIL treated her, but I suspect she has always been this way, as DH has shared some remarkable stories from his upbringing, regarding her behaviors.

I've posted before but I relate to so many posts I am posting yet again. So much wisdom on here. I too was the "safe" person for rage and it's not OK. It did in my health. It killed my aunt. It did in the health other people in my support group at the time. For your health and to make sure you never burn out and give it back to her) outsource. Honestly no matter the financial situation, you do what is possible within her means. It's one thing when you have an easy going elder with modest means and you want to help in whatever way possible. Once there is abuse you need to step back and find the care she can afford. Also, the one time you lose it and yell back, you don't want her accusing you of anything. With abusive behavior sometimes no good deed goes unpunished.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

My father has dementia and perseverates on the past and his grievances constantly. He seems to remember emotions associated with people but not the people themselves.

I have a hard time being around him because he gets confused and thinks I am 20 years younger than I am when he sees me. He accused me of moving in with him when I visited my parents for the weekend for Easter. He thinks I am moving back home after college (which I did for two months after graduation decades ago).

I try to avoid him so he doesn’t experience those emotions. As his dementia is so much further along, I keep my distance more and more so my mother has an easier time with him.