Insensitive comments about donor conceived child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has azoospermia - no sperm. After a few years of medication and two surgeries we moved forward with donor sperm. The day he found out he said it doesn't matter he would be thrilled with adoption or donor sperm. He's been incredible on this journey. We've been very open with close family and friends. We are older and found it easier to tell people what was happening vs pretending we weren't trying. You can only say maybe next year so many times.

Anyway. Now we are expecting a baby girl this summer and mil has seen a few of our ultrasound photos and keeps saying things like she has DH's nose or she looks like so and so from her family. She has only said these things around me and not dh. I gently reminded her that I while DD will know who her dad is and love him we will also be very open with her from birth on the use of donor sperm - from all the counseling we've done it's best for her overall health and being to grow up knowing.

When DH sister has her son their mom also pulled the oh nephew looks just like my DH - while we were going through treatment. DH said it stung but she means well.

How do we navigate these conversations? We of course want baby girl to feel connected to his side of the family and we want them to feel connected to her but not at the erasure of her conception and journey. Mostly being sensitive to DH wishes and feelings too because I don't want him fielding those comments or trying to answer when she's here and we are bonding and getting used to the newborn chaos.

A good friend said it's harmless and comparable to people saying I look like our rescue dog and that she will absolutely pick up on DH traits and might be more like him than me in the end- which is completely true and I can only hope. But the comments from mil about facial features in utero feel over the top. They really picked apart nephew when he was born and tried to give each feature to someone in her family and I can't decide if it's sweet and bonding or harmful in the end to how baby girl will conceptualize her conception story

Ignore everyone. It is just unnecessary noise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify - MIL is saying this knowing that the baby is not biologically her son's?

Wow, she's crazy.

She’s not crazy. It’s what people do. It won’t affect your child AT ALL. My donor conceived child likes finding features on herself that she thinks look like me. We aren’t genetically related at all. I can see why it brings up hurt feelings but I’d let this go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify - MIL is saying this knowing that the baby is not biologically her son's?

Wow, she's crazy.

She’s not crazy. It’s what people do. It won’t affect your child AT ALL. My donor conceived child likes finding features on herself that she thinks look like me. We aren’t genetically related at all. I can see why it brings up hurt feelings but I’d let this go.

People who know the child is not genetically related make comments that the child looks like the non-biological parent?? wtf? No that is not normal. If the child does it themselves, fine.

[Anonymous]

This is just a thing old people do.

My mom does this with my nieces and it drives my sister CRAZY. Everything is my sister, not her husband: eyes, legs, etc. It’s like she’s staking claim.

It’s fine. Just smile!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Come on. It’s insensitive and a little bizarre. And probably will not stop. MIL can both be well-meaning and insensitive at the same time.

Unless you want these comments to continue forever, I’d shut them down. “MIL, please do not comment on the baby’s resemblance to family on either side. We aren’t going to hide her background from anyone but we don’t want her to be constantly reminded of it.”

Adopted adult here. Please don't bother trying to shut this down. The child will hear all manner of comments from people as they grow about who they look like or don't look like. You cannot stop these, as this type of parlor game is just part of being human, and trying to do so will just make things more stilted during family gatherings.

The comments to worry about are when kids start asking if they know who their "real" dad is. These kinds of ignorant comments are really hurtful to adopted kids and, I imagine, those with donor ancestry.

The answer, of course, is, "yeah, I know who my real dad is. I just don't know who my bio dad is."

PP here. This is probably a healthy and realistic attitude. However I don’t think it’s too much to expect very close relatives like grandma to put a sock in it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify - MIL is saying this knowing that the baby is not biologically her son's?

Wow, she's crazy.

She’s not crazy. It’s what people do. It won’t affect your child AT ALL. My donor conceived child likes finding features on herself that she thinks look like me. We aren’t genetically related at all. I can see why it brings up hurt feelings but I’d let this go.

People who know the child is not genetically related make comments that the child looks like the non-biological parent?? wtf? No that is not normal. If the child does it themselves, fine.

My white friend adopted their black daughter and that child looks exactly like my friend. It’s amazing. I tell her so!

[Anonymous]

Insensitive would be making comments about how she is unrelated to the child or he looks nothing like anyone on her side because they aren't related. What she's saying is not insensitive at all.

[Anonymous]

At some level pretty much everyone has some unease about the various assisted reproductive technologies, for the simple reason that it's a very new development and an alteration of what was formerly taken utterly for granted.

As parents you've made a challenging decision and you've had time to process it. Various relatives are generally doing their best with a new and unfamiliar situation. Give them some grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify - MIL is saying this knowing that the baby is not biologically her son's?

Wow, she's crazy.

She’s not crazy. It’s what people do. It won’t affect your child AT ALL. My donor conceived child likes finding features on herself that she thinks look like me. We aren’t genetically related at all. I can see why it brings up hurt feelings but I’d let this go.

People who know the child is not genetically related make comments that the child looks like the non-biological parent?? wtf? No that is not normal. If the child does it themselves, fine.

My white friend adopted their black daughter and that child looks exactly like my friend. It’s amazing. I tell her so!

that’s incredibly obnoxious and weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Insensitive would be making comments about how she is unrelated to the child or he looks nothing like anyone on her side because they aren't related. What she's saying is not insensitive at all.

Yes it is insensitive because it it is meant to draw attention to the fact that the child is not biologically related but “ha ha isn’t that bad because they look alike!” Comments on appearance are obnoxious in general, but ones like this that stem from anxiety and bring someone else’s extremely private matters to the forefront are by definition insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are valid to feel annoyed. These comments are out of line.

[Anonymous]

Stop over sharing your personal information or get over your supersensitivity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop over sharing your personal information or get over your supersensitivity.

Educate yourself on best practices for donor conceived children or don't bother commenting. It's important for those close to the child to know their origins and accept it. The child should grow up always knowing their conception story to avoid pulling the rug out from under them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old people say silly things sometimes. We smile and move on.

I've said that to my kids.

Young people say a lot of dumb shit too. Far more than old people. God bless you and your husband and daughter, OP.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have two donor conceived sons. As the non-bio parent, those comments start to hurt after a while, especially when coming from your MIL (ie, the person who is biologically related to my kids when I’m not).

Those kids of comments peaked when my kids were little. At some level, I get it. Babies don’t have a lot of personality or individualization when they’re little so people latch on to physical features to create a perceived connection to themselves.

However, my wife was great about putting a stop to these kids of comments. We both had to specifically tell our own parents that these comments were painful and they needed to stop. And if they didn’t, my wife would respond with something like, “in our family, we don’t focus on biology or appearances. Baby Boy is special and his own unique person”.

I know we sounded a little crazy but it really helped me to not feel resentful. As the kids have gotten older and have developed their own personalities, those comments have mostly stopped (kids are now 10 and 7). I have my own solid bonds with the kids now too, so I mind less. I’ll always appreciate how my wife set the tone in the beginning though.