Insensitive comments about donor conceived child
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My husband has azoospermia - no sperm. After a few years of medication and two surgeries we moved forward with donor sperm. The day he found out he said it doesn't matter he would be thrilled with adoption or donor sperm. He's been incredible on this journey. We've been very open with close family and friends. We are older and found it easier to tell people what was happening vs pretending we weren't trying. You can only say maybe next year so many times.
Anyway. Now we are expecting a baby girl this summer and mil has seen a few of our ultrasound photos and keeps saying things like she has DH's nose or she looks like so and so from her family. She has only said these things around me and not dh. I gently reminded her that I while DD will know who her dad is and love him we will also be very open with her from birth on the use of donor sperm - from all the counseling we've done it's best for her overall health and being to grow up knowing. When DH sister has her son their mom also pulled the oh nephew looks just like my DH - while we were going through treatment. DH said it stung but she means well. How do we navigate these conversations? We of course want baby girl to feel connected to his side of the family and we want them to feel connected to her but not at the erasure of her conception and journey. Mostly being sensitive to DH wishes and feelings too because I don't want him fielding those comments or trying to answer when she's here and we are bonding and getting used to the newborn chaos. A good friend said it's harmless and comparable to people saying I look like our rescue dog and that she will absolutely pick up on DH traits and might be more like him than me in the end- which is completely true and I can only hope. But the comments from mil about facial features in utero feel over the top. They really picked apart nephew when he was born and tried to give each feature to someone in her family and I can't decide if it's sweet and bonding or harmful in the end to how baby girl will conceptualize her conception story |
Anonymous
|
Old people say silly things sometimes. We smile and move on.
I've said that to my kids. |
Anonymous
|
Just to clarify - MIL is saying this knowing that the baby is not biologically her son's?
Wow, she's crazy. |
Anonymous
Yes we've been very open about the outcome of his surgery last year and our IVF journey and using donor sperm. I don't know if DH ever showed her the donor's profile in full but I remember him talking to her about what made us choose this donor. She absolutely knows. His father, grandfather and sister's family know as well. As far as their extended family - I'm not sure. But mil absolutely knows |
Anonymous
|
People used to say I looked like my mom even when they knew I wasn't biologically related to her. I always inwardly rolled my eyes at them. Some people seem to have a weird obsession with children looking like a parent and I've never understood it.
Your DH needs to directly shut her down if the comments bother him. For you, I'd probably just point out the baby is a fetus and literally cannot resemble someone |
Anonymous
Adoptive mom here. We adopted at birth and sometimes my mom just forgot he wasn't biologically ours. I told her he had eczema and she said he must have gotten that from my DH's said because we didn't have that on ours. 
This will not affect your kid negatively. A few things that a grandparent says doesn't even register. Don't worry about this now. If someone says something about your kid at a time when your kid can hear and understand it? That's the time to act. Not now, when nothing has happened. |
Anonymous
|
Anonymous
|
My son was also conceived with donor sperm (my wife and are gay). I don't necessarily see it as insensitive but her trying to connect with her grandchild. I carried and my own mom has said that my son looks like my wife, and indeed, I think he does a bit since we picked a donor with similar features. We have both also noticed a striking similarity to some of his cousins on my wife's side, even though there is no biological relation.
We plan on being open with him about his conception (he's only 3 right now) and I don't think the occasional comment interferes or confuses that. If it really bothers you, you can always ask her to stop the comments, but I don't think it actually causes harm. |
Anonymous
|
Please give your MIL a break. She's trying very hard to find a connection with her pending grandchild. Many older people place a large priority on bonding over family traits. Yes, the child is not biologically her son's, but she is trying very hard to come to terms with the child not be biologically his and still trying to find a way to bond. Finding traits of her son in her grandchild will help her to overcome the mental frame of "that isn't his child". Some people find getting accustomed to treating non-biological off-spring the same as biological off-spring to be difficult. I would stop reminding her that the child is not biologically related to your husband and just be happy that she is trying to remove the mental framework that this is not his child and not her grandchild. She is trying to find a way to treat this child the same way she would treat a biological grandchild.
Due to my wife having genetic issues, we had our children with donor egg. We were open with family during the entire process and they all knew and acknowledged the donor egg from implantation until the kids were a year or two old. Now, that the kids are in middle school, most of the family has pretty much forgotten that the children were conceived by donor egg. They have personalities and they have been a part of our families for all their lives, so everyone just stopped thinking about their origin. We still have people in the family, who know, who still make comments about things that the kids inherited from their mother. And this is on both sides of the family. So, we just go with the flow. I think of it like a blended family. You marry and your spouse's children become your children and after a while, your stop distinguishing between your child by birth and your child by marriage. And so does your family. And I think that's the end goal. So my advice is, since she already knows, just stop reminding her. You can be open and still not bother correcting her when she makes such a mistake. |
Anonymous
+1. And I will add that one of my adult cousins, who is adopted, resembles his (adoptive) parents more than his two non-adopted brothers do. It can happen, especially with similar genetic backgrounds. That said it is silly to look at facial features in utero! but harmless. |
Anonymous
|
Come on. It’s insensitive and a little bizarre. And probably will not stop. MIL can both be well-meaning and insensitive at the same time.
Unless you want these comments to continue forever, I’d shut them down. “MIL, please do not comment on the baby’s resemblance to family on either side. We aren’t going to hide her background from anyone but we don’t want her to be constantly reminded of it.” |
Anonymous
| OP come on. They are saying these things to make you feel better about your choice no other reason but for comfort. |
Anonymous
|
OP I am sorry they are so insensitive.
I'd be worried when the child is born they will say stupid things. That will be something to navigate. My niece was adopted from foster care at age three. However, my sister and BIL were her foster parents from the day after her mother gave birth. She is now 13 and looks exactly like my BIL. Their eyes are the same shape and color, skin coloring, bigger boned ie niece is chubby. No one would know he is not the father. It is my sister who is the insane one. My sister hates the fact her daughter does not look like her (very skinny to the point of anorexic, extremely pale) and tells everyone who will listen she is adopted. It is horrible. Unfortunately, humans can me so cruel. My sister and mother are that. UGH> |
Anonymous
Adopted adult here. Please don't bother trying to shut this down. The child will hear all manner of comments from people as they grow about who they look like or don't look like. You cannot stop these, as this type of parlor game is just part of being human, and trying to do so will just make things more stilted during family gatherings. The comments to worry about are when kids start asking if they know who their "real" dad is. These kinds of ignorant comments are really hurtful to adopted kids and, I imagine, those with donor ancestry. The answer, of course, is, "yeah, I know who my real dad is. I just don't know who my bio dad is." |
Anonymous
|
My kids are all adopted. People always say how much they look alike and how much they look like me. They look nothing like me. They are different races. But it happens so often it’s a family joke.
. I agree that people may not be trying to be insensitive but rather to connect. Maybe you can try to reframe your thinking. As to response, we just say something like that they don’t look like me but rather they have my mannerisms so you think they look like me. |