According to experts: “If you have a friend who uses any of these 8 toxic phrases, it may be time to ‘move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes, though, your feelings really ARE the problem. Sometimes people really ARE too sensitive, and/or can’t take a joke. That’s probably why those people eventually get met with point 8 from the article.

You shouldn't make jokes at another person's expense. Once they tell you they don't like it, then you're the problem if you keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

The moment I see the word "expert" I stop paying attention.

Baitclick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only one I don't totally agree is a toxic phrase is the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way " in some cases. Yes, it is toxic, when it is being used as an apology. However, I don't feel it's toxic if somebody is sharing their feelings about something that bothers them and you are trying to empathize and say wow I see that bothers you. I'm really sorry that you feel that way. That's how I would use it. As empathy. but I know not to use it because I've learned that that is a toxic phrase. But I see it is contextual.

I see where you are coming from. I think the reason it's on the list is that it comes off as very dismissive of someone's feelings. Like not "I can see why you feel that way" but "it is disappointing to me that you feel that way." But I see what you are saying, that someone could mean it in an empathetic way.

I had a friend who often said this when she thought my feelings were out of left field. So it was actually an expression of just not understanding. I had depression during our friendship and sometimes I'd try to explain what that was like to her, how depression isn't necessarily feeling sad but more just feeling empty. And she'd respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way." I know that was her attempting to be supportive but just not knowing what to say or really even understanding how I felt. But knowing that, it made me feel worse even though I knew she wasn't trying to make me feel bad. It just made me feel further from connection or feeling understood, which made the depression feel worse. It wasn't her fault and I don't think she was being toxic, but it did illustrate to me that she wasn't the best person for me to try and lean on in that situation.

Sometimes people are just limited in certain ways and can't be there for you in the way you need someone to be there for you. It sucks, but it's just life.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is fine when you're explaining how you feel about something that has nothing to do with the other person. It's not ok in lieu of an apology from the person who did something to you.

It's not, though. It comes off as a brush-off, at best. Better ways to validate someone's experience are things like:

It makes sense that you're ___________(feeling)
Thank you for sharing your struggle with me
I appreciate your honesty. It takes courage to talk about _________

Validate what people are going through. Don't apologize for it unless you caused it, and if you did, "I'm sorry you feel that way" isn't an apology, it's a way to shift blame onto someone's feelings, instead of taking responsibility for your actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only one I don't totally agree is a toxic phrase is the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way " in some cases. Yes, it is toxic, when it is being used as an apology. However, I don't feel it's toxic if somebody is sharing their feelings about something that bothers them and you are trying to empathize and say wow I see that bothers you. I'm really sorry that you feel that way. That's how I would use it. As empathy. but I know not to use it because I've learned that that is a toxic phrase. But I see it is contextual.

I see where you are coming from. I think the reason it's on the list is that it comes off as very dismissive of someone's feelings. Like not "I can see why you feel that way" but "it is disappointing to me that you feel that way." But I see what you are saying, that someone could mean it in an empathetic way.

I had a friend who often said this when she thought my feelings were out of left field. So it was actually an expression of just not understanding. I had depression during our friendship and sometimes I'd try to explain what that was like to her, how depression isn't necessarily feeling sad but more just feeling empty. And she'd respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way." I know that was her attempting to be supportive but just not knowing what to say or really even understanding how I felt. But knowing that, it made me feel worse even though I knew she wasn't trying to make me feel bad. It just made me feel further from connection or feeling understood, which made the depression feel worse. It wasn't her fault and I don't think she was being toxic, but it did illustrate to me that she wasn't the best person for me to try and lean on in that situation.

Sometimes people are just limited in certain ways and can't be there for you in the way you need someone to be there for you. It sucks, but it's just life.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is fine when you're explaining how you feel about something that has nothing to do with the other person. It's not ok in lieu of an apology from the person who did something to you.

It's not, though. It comes off as a brush-off, at best. Better ways to validate someone's experience are things like:

It makes sense that you're ___________(feeling)
Thank you for sharing your struggle with me
I appreciate your honesty. It takes courage to talk about _________

Validate what people are going through. Don't apologize for it unless you caused it, and if you did, "I'm sorry you feel that way" isn't an apology, it's a way to shift blame onto someone's feelings, instead of taking responsibility for your actions.

Well, I think you save all that emotional energy for people who are friends (which I know is the topic of the article) and people you want to maintain a relationship with. If someone is just a jerk to you and it doesn't matter what they think and you have no need to maintain a relationship, then it'ts fine to be cordially dismissive and say "sorry you feel that way."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only one I don't totally agree is a toxic phrase is the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way " in some cases. Yes, it is toxic, when it is being used as an apology. However, I don't feel it's toxic if somebody is sharing their feelings about something that bothers them and you are trying to empathize and say wow I see that bothers you. I'm really sorry that you feel that way. That's how I would use it. As empathy. but I know not to use it because I've learned that that is a toxic phrase. But I see it is contextual.

I see where you are coming from. I think the reason it's on the list is that it comes off as very dismissive of someone's feelings. Like not "I can see why you feel that way" but "it is disappointing to me that you feel that way." But I see what you are saying, that someone could mean it in an empathetic way.

I had a friend who often said this when she thought my feelings were out of left field. So it was actually an expression of just not understanding. I had depression during our friendship and sometimes I'd try to explain what that was like to her, how depression isn't necessarily feeling sad but more just feeling empty. And she'd respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way." I know that was her attempting to be supportive but just not knowing what to say or really even understanding how I felt. But knowing that, it made me feel worse even though I knew she wasn't trying to make me feel bad. It just made me feel further from connection or feeling understood, which made the depression feel worse. It wasn't her fault and I don't think she was being toxic, but it did illustrate to me that she wasn't the best person for me to try and lean on in that situation.

Sometimes people are just limited in certain ways and can't be there for you in the way you need someone to be there for you. It sucks, but it's just life.

Thank you for your insight. It does make sense to me how you phrased it. I do stay away from that phrase because I've been told it's toxic and you just pretty much outlined how it could be not seen as empathetic.

[Anonymous]

Alternative, but equally gross, phrases to "I'm sorry you feel that way":

"I'm sorry you are hurting"

"It hurts me that you are upset"

It's just not taking any sort of ownership in the thing that is causing the hurt (assuming the scenario is a disagreement between friends, not the situation that some others are describing where a bad thing happens to one person and the friend is trying to comfort).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never knew how toxic some are:

https://www.cnbc.com/2024/02/22/if-your-friends-use-any-of-these-toxic-phrases-it-may-be-time-to-move-on-says-psychologist.html


You are too sensitive”, for example.


Do any of your friends try to use these on you?

One of my parents is from the Middle East and I got rid of a "friend" who thought it was funny to send me an letter addressed to "Mary 'Sand Ni§§€r" Smith! She said, "It's just a joke. Geez! Can't you even take a joke.".

[Anonymous]

These are easy. It's a lot harder when the friend says some off things that make you go "mm, am I too sensitive or was that rude?" but you don't voice it because it's borderline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes, though, your feelings really ARE the problem. Sometimes people really ARE too sensitive, and/or can’t take a joke. That’s probably why those people eventually get met with point 8 from the article.

You shouldn't make jokes at another person's expense. Once they tell you they don't like it, then you're the problem if you keep doing it.

+1. "I was just joking" or "you need to learn to take a joke" are not acceptable responses to a friend saying they were hurt by something you said. You shouldn't be joking about something your friend is sensitive about. It's actually okay for people to be sensitive about certain things and usually friends learn what those things are and treat them with more care.

[Anonymous]

Other red flag phrases:

"I'm sorry you misunderstood."

"I don't sugar coat things."

"You just want me to agree with you."

Often with this stuff, the issue is that some toxic personalities don't actually understand the nature of the friend relationship. They want to be advisors, judges, arbiters. So they feel comfortable saying rude, hurtful, or highly judgmental things, and if you call them in it, they're like "what, you want me to lie?"

But in a friendship with mutual respect, no one is ever in a position where their job is to pass judgment on the other. Sure, people might have little judgments about the other person's choices, but thats not what the friendship is for. It's not your job to fix your friend or tell them how to live. Friends aren't life coaches or therapists or mentors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]The moment I see the word "expert" I stop paying attention.

Baitclick.

[/b]


Exactly. People make up these stories just to get people like OP to click. Don't fall for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]The moment I see the word "expert" I stop paying attention.

Baitclick.

[/b]


Exactly. People make up these stories just to get people like OP to click. Don't fall for it

It is clickbait but I for one enjoy talking about BS like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes, though, your feelings really ARE the problem. Sometimes people really ARE too sensitive, and/or can’t take a joke. That’s probably why those people eventually get met with point 8 from the article.

You shouldn't make jokes at another person's expense. Once they tell you they don't like it, then you're the problem if you keep doing it.

Strongly disagree. If it’s actually joking and not intended maliciously. And yes it is harsh, but so many people really are just too GD sensitive these days and it makes basic human interactions exhausting.

And I realize this is a hot take, but just because you have “feelings” about something doesn’t mean that they are “valid”… sometimes you actually ARE just wrong! Sometimes you really have misinterpreted something. And sometimes it’s just your opinion and others don’t have to agree with (or even respect) that.

For evidence that most of you actually deep down agree with this, just think about whatever someone on the exact opposite side of the political spectrum might say about their “feelings” on some issue that you also feel strongly about. I’ll bet you have zero interest in making that person feel heard, or “validating” them. You just think they’re wrong and/or stupid and/or a bad person.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad to know none of my friends use these phrases. I agree they are quite toxic.

It also says a lot about the people "defending" the toxic phrases lol. Just pretend it's a joke, and take it like you tell your friends to!

[Anonymous]

No, my friends are genuinely nice people. We been friends since elementary school (we are in our 50s).

I completely agree that a friend shouldn’t say those phrases.