3 kids or 4?

[Anonymous]

Both my parents are one of four, husband is one of six. We always say 3 or 4. After our third I felt like we were complete. If we had an oops I'd be thrilled, or if we started a few years earlier. But after the third was the first time I wasn't sad as each stage ended. Throwing away baby clothes doesn't gut me. That's how I knew I was done.

[Anonymous]

We can barely afford 3…so no more…i can’t mentally attend to that many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from a family of 4 and I just want you to consider what it means for kids to "pair off nicely." This sounds nice but is it really better for kids?

In my experience, being in a family where you are easily grouped doesn't really improve your experience as a child. It means you are never an individual, you are always grouped in with "the older kids" or "the little ones" or the girls or the boys. It often feels like your parents don't actually see you, because you are always one of a set. Also, even pairs can contribute to competitive vibes depending on personalities and interests.

Like it sounds very even and tidy -- two sets of two. But if it were me I'd stick with 3, where kids get to be individuals a bit more and where they can mix and match in different ways (all together or pairs based on actual interests instead of just ages).

I also think if you don't have extra adults around (whether family or a nanny who will stick around well into elementary school) three is much more manageable in terms of ensuring all kids get some 1:1 adult time and no one feels ignored.

Four kids is... a lot of kids. Having lived it, it is not something I would choose.

OP here. I appreciate this perspective. I am one of two siblings (both girls) close and age and I actually didn't like that for similar reasons to what you suggest. Fewer kids, but I hated the lumping together. It is helpful to keep this in mind and I can see how the potential for trouble here could be potentially worse with even more kids, and you're reminding me of part of what I like(d) about 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how old you are but I hit a wall at 35 and have only experienced 3 years of losses and pain. I'm on our last attempt before we throw in the towel and I just have to accept all that pain was for nothing. I don't recommend pushing your fertility. It can really drag you down.

I am so sorry. This is an important consideration for us too. I didn't want to comment on my age because I didn't want feedback on that per se, but I am definitely older than I personally would like to be having another and it is absolutely worth keeping in mind -- not just because of what may or may not be possible, but also because the risks of genetic abnormalities or possibly having one that was not neuro typical. I think with every child added, those risks seem like a bigger deal, not just because of age but because of the children we already have.

My best wishes to you. I really hope that it works out this time around.

[Anonymous]

Once we went for the third, I knew I would need a fourth. We have a big gap between #2 and #3, so I wanted #3 to have a buddy, hence #4. Plus I was just in a crazy baby stage. Once I had #4, it died down and was sated.

[Anonymous]

I come from a family of four and I completely disgree with this. There was defitinitely "grouping" mainly becuase my older sibling and I were closer in age and our two younger siblings were close in age (and a bigger gap- 3 years- between me #2 & #3). But I never disliked it. I had an automatic best friend and being a shy/anxious kid having my siblings as my saftey net helped me so much. I never thought of the "grouping" as a bad thing and I think my siblings would agree. I mean I probably could have gotten more attention from my parents as a kid, but maybe not having all the attention on me was such a bad thing?

Its funny I have found people that come from big families either go on to have big families themselves or would never think to have more than 2. Either you love it or hate it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am from a family of 4 and I just want you to consider what it means for kids to "pair off nicely." This sounds nice but is it really better for kids?

In my experience, being in a family where you are easily grouped doesn't really improve your experience as a child. It means you are never an individual, you are always grouped in with "the older kids" or "the little ones" or the girls or the boys. It often feels like your parents don't actually see you, because you are always one of a set. Also, even pairs can contribute to competitive vibes depending on personalities and interests.

Like it sounds very even and tidy -- two sets of two. But if it were me I'd stick with 3, where kids get to be individuals a bit more and where they can mix and match in different ways (all together or pairs based on actual interests instead of just ages).

I also think if you don't have extra adults around (whether family or a nanny who will stick around well into elementary school) three is much more manageable in terms of ensuring all kids get some 1:1 adult time and no one feels ignored.

Four kids is... a lot of kids. Having lived it, it is not something I would choose.

OP here. I appreciate this perspective. I am one of two siblings (both girls) close and age and I actually didn't like that for similar reasons to what you suggest. Fewer kids, but I hated the lumping together. It is helpful to keep this in mind and I can see how the potential for trouble here could be potentially worse with even more kids, and you're reminding me of part of what I like(d) about 3.

[Anonymous]

I have two and am considering a third. Emotionally I want a third but financially two seems much more manageable.

To me, four is the threshold where you need a stay at home parent. I’m also one of four and I loved it, but it’s just super expensive to raise four kids in a HCOL area. My mom stayed at home and went back to work in a flexible career once all four of us were in school.

Three seems like the midsize SUV of family sizes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once we went for the third, I knew I would need a fourth. We have a big gap between #2 and #3, so I wanted #3 to have a buddy, hence #4. Plus I was just in a crazy baby stage. Once I had #4, it died down and was sated.

Weird

[Anonymous]

I come from a family of 4 and did not experience the negative things PP references; I actually quite loved it and had an amazing childhood. I consider it a big gift, even into adulthood….I am super close with my siblings and they enrich my life on a daily basis.

I would like to have 4 myself, but we will see. I’m not as fertile as my mom(!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat! I fantasize about having a fourth, but as a PP said I think logistically we are maxed out at three (both work FT). I know a bunch of happy three kid families. With unlimited money and help I’d have a fourth, but alas.

This is me. Stopping at 3 because logically it makes sense. I would definitely gone for a 4th if we had tons of extra money and some help.

[Anonymous]

I want to be able to send my kids to college debt free, and still have a comfortable retirement. So that was a driver in my decision to stop.

[Anonymous]

How many can you afford college for? How about paying and driving to activities.

[Anonymous]

I can afford 6

[Anonymous]

You do you OP. If you want a 4th, go for it. Just remember that each child is a HUGE expense and takes attention away from the others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do you OP. If you want a 4th, go for it. Just remember that each child is a HUGE expense and takes attention away from the others.

This. I have three and SAH. Now that 2/3 of in tween/teen yrs it is so so busy. Lots of sports tournaments, private music lessons for all three, sports practice, individual time every night for homework and supplemental teaching. Reading to them (yes I still read to my older children). Driving to different schools with different schedules. It is a lot. It doesn’t have to be this way. You could have 4, have them attend public school, use the bus, and not to any enrichment or extracurriculars. So you need to decide what kind of parent you want and how you want to raise your kids