BIL and family are ALWAYS late

[Anonymous]

So my husband has ADHD and struggles with lateness. He is just totally timeblind. He would never, ever act like these people. They are appallingly rude. Most people with ADHD that are not jerks find ways to manage through this. And their other behavior is insane.

[Anonymous]

Who makes reservations months in advance? We don’t even start thinking about Xmas plans until Nov. I can see why they missed. A lot can happen over a period of months.

[Anonymous]

I am chronically late. I’m over scheduled (my own fault) and I am really bad with time. (I know that I suck.) I always feel bad and I still can’t seem to get it together to be on time. And I’m always stressed out.

[Anonymous]

OK? So don't make plans with them.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, that’s chronically late and non-committal. Give up.

If it were just chronic lateness, with a friend I have like this, I schedule to meet her at my home so I’m not bothered by the lateness and tell her 45 mins before the time I intend.

But with the no show and the walking out, I would give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait where are all the “oh cut him some slack he clearly has ADHD and executive function issues he’s allowed to be late his life is SOOOOO HARD” people??

They will be here soon. You can't expect them to get to this thread in a timely manner, can you? It's not about you, ok!? They have reasons!

Nah, that accounts for the 15 min late people not the 1 hr late people, and not the ones who bail out early like BIL did.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP. One of my siblings and their family are like this. Always late for family things. We only really do dinner at a family member's house and eat at the agreed upon time (whether they are there or not). I try not to let it bother me, but it does because it's so clear they just don't prioritize family time in the same way I do. They can be on time to work, school, appointments... but not a handful of dinners a year with family from out of town. It sucks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: here’s another example. They once planned a birthday party for BIL at an outdoor location that was mutually inconvenient for everyone (about 2 hours away from where all of us live). Not even twenty minutes into it they said it was too cold and left! They just walked away while we were all laughing/calling out in disbelief.

It's not hard to draw the appropriate conclusions, OP. You don't need to put yourself in these situations again, decline. If spouse wants to go, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you OP. One of my siblings and their family are like this. Always late for family things. We only really do dinner at a family member's house and eat at the agreed upon time (whether they are there or not). I try not to let it bother me, but it does because it's so clear they just don't prioritize family time in the same way I do. They can be on time to work, school, appointments... but not a handful of dinners a year with family from out of town. It sucks

I flip it around, better to know that about these people then to see them as loving, caring, close family you can depend on. It is what it is. A lot of people are like this. Try to cultivate relationships with people who are different and prioritize your time accordingly.

[Anonymous]

I would say "oh that sucks, guess we'll catch them next time" and leave.

I don't wait 45 minutes at a restaurant, that is beyond rude to the server and other patrons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is this?

We get together with DH’s family once every month or two, and every single time BIL’s family is late by 30 minutes - 1 hour, and sometimes more.

Most recently, I booked a table for us around Christmas at a nice restaurant. (This was planned months in advance.) MIL came in and said that one half of the family - mom and kid 1 - would be there about 45 minutes late, and the other half - dad and kid 2 - wouldn’t make it. Neither texted me nor my husband, who planned the gathering. Mom did not apologize at all when she got there.

What is this? These are two adults in their 40s with full-time jobs, so presumably they are able to manage their time in that context. I think it’s extremely rude and it makes me want to exclude them.

You do not wait for them to arrive. Order your meal and begin eating. Next time those who don't let you know they can't attend then you simply do not invite them. You do not have to put up with rude people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: here’s another example. They once planned a birthday party for BIL at an outdoor location that was mutually inconvenient for everyone (about 2 hours away from where all of us live). Not even twenty minutes into it they said it was too cold and left! They just walked away while we were all laughing/calling out in disbelief.

It's not hard to draw the appropriate conclusions, OP. You don't need to put yourself in these situations again, decline. If spouse wants to go, so be it.

+1 They are showing you how you what you should do. Don't hold dinners for them. Don't go to places your party needs reservations/tickets for - or let them get their own. Don't extend yourself too much. You can't control for them so stop doing it. You know what to expect.

My aunt and uncle were this way (although they would never have ditched us like your BIL has). It drove my mom and grandmother crazy but my aunt and uncle are great people and we really enjoy their company. We just expect them to be late to everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: here’s another example. They once planned a birthday party for BIL at an outdoor location that was mutually inconvenient for everyone (about 2 hours away from where all of us live). Not even twenty minutes into it they said it was too cold and left! They just walked away while we were all laughing/calling out in disbelief.

Mental disorders.

Stop making plans with or for these types. They don’t care, they don’t get any happiness or utility out of going new places, doing things or hanging out with you. Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is this?

We get together with DH’s family once every month or two, and every single time BIL’s family is late by 30 minutes - 1 hour, and sometimes more.

Most recently, I booked a table for us around Christmas at a nice restaurant. (This was planned months in advance.) MIL came in and said that one half of the family - mom and kid 1 - would be there about 45 minutes late, and the other half - dad and kid 2 - wouldn’t make it. Neither texted me nor my husband, who planned the gathering. Mom did not apologize at all when she got there.

What is this? These are two adults in their 40s with full-time jobs, so presumably they are able to manage their time in that context. I think it’s extremely rude and it makes me want to exclude them.

They’ll probably be divorced in a matter of years. One or both parents in that marriage with the two kids has major problems Adulting. And if they also have a temper….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: here’s another example. They once planned a birthday party for BIL at an outdoor location that was mutually inconvenient for everyone (about 2 hours away from where all of us live). Not even twenty minutes into it they said it was too cold and left! They just walked away while we were all laughing/calling out in disbelief.

This sounds like something totally different than chronically late. But they will never be on time. Don't book restaurants with them anymore. Let them plan the outings in the future. If they can't or won't, oh well.

They left their own party? Who are these people?

Plus they don’t bring or wear coats.