Young kids, two jobs — how much “me” time per week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have elementary aged kids, special needs in the mix. Two FT jobs. No family in town.

How much “me time” is the norm in this situation?

DH expects that 2-3 days out of the week he would not come home or be around at all. As in, goes to work and doesn’t come back until 10-11 PM. He goes out with friends, does his hobby, etc. but does not see the kids.

His job has extremely flexible hours, like mine. I personally do like 1-2 nights a week to go out but I don’t expect to not be on call between after school and bedtime.

Organize your nights off. As pp said, you each get your two nights and then all hands on deck the other nights.

[Anonymous]

I have a hobby class 2 nights a week. I pick up kids from school at 4, bring them home, and then when DH gets home at 6 I take off and he does dinner/bedtime.

DH has a hobby one night and one weekend morning.

It works for us.

If your set up is working, great! Sounds like it isn’t though, so sit down and discuss with him. We didn’t start this until youngest kiddo was 5ish. 3 is still so needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s not normal in my mind. My DH has a very stressful job and works a lot. When he is not working he is home and with the kids. We have 3 of them. The only reason why he doesn’t see the kids at night is because of work. On a rare occasion he will do a guys thing but that is planned out well in advance.

We have 3 kids - 3, 7 and 9

Agree with this. We have 3 kids and I don’t even know how one parent would go off for several nights per week. Our kids are involved in after school activities (some that DH and I volunteer with leading) so we do a lot of divide and conquering. When we aren’t then we try to do family dinner together at least a few nights per week. Also we know the kids will only be little for so long, I can’t imagine working all day and then missing evenings with them up to 3 nights per week. And then if the other spouse wants 2-3 nights to themself, when are you all together?

Right now I’d say DH and I usually go out with our own friends 1-2x/month and with each other 1-2x/month. I usually exercise on my WAH lunch break but occasionally will on a weekend morning. We also trade off giving each other a little bit of time on the weekend to go read or do whatever we want.

[Anonymous]

We have 3yo and 7yo DDs. DH gets 2-3 hours of "me" time daily, which he spends playing computer games to unwind. He's an introvert and doesn't go out with friends at all.
I get an hour or so to myself at night after the kids are in bed. Once I've reset for the next day, I usually spend the remainder of that time reading a book or texting with friends (ongoing group chat). I might go out for a work function once every 3 or 4 months, and I go to a nice salon for haircut/color every few months, as well. I am 90% WFH, so I also take a long lunch break 3x a week to go for a long walk and try to clear my mind.
We are pretty isolated here. My closest friends are not local, so I don't ever go out with friends, unless one of them happens to be in town visiting or for work. DH doesn't really like to be left alone with the kids much, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are in elementary school now, but before they were in K, we didn't go out together until they were in bed for the night. Their bedtimes were 7 or 7:30 up until K, so it was no big deal to wait. And as long as one parent was home, the other could go out before then. DH and I each go out with friends (without each other) once a week. But we work from home mostly, so do see the kids. Actually even before when we worked in offices we'd come home from work, see the kids, change clothes and then leave. Maybe once a month we'd go directly from work to happy hour or something, but that was still one drink and then home in time for bed. Family is our priority, not fun with friends.

[Anonymous]

We have three kids, now out of the home, and we never had me time. After work we’d both come home and we never did poker night or book club night. Weekends were all family time unless my husband played tennis but he was home by ten. We liked being together so the subject of me time never came up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So do you get me time on those alternate days?

We are supposed to alternate days. But on his days I was picking up the kids, cooking, and driving them to activities. He would come in a little before 5 to eat the dinner I cooked and put one kid to bed while I took the other one to an activity. The other weeknight that was mine we had marriage counseling.

I was not happy with this and told him we have to change it. He brought up his “needs” for “autonomy” to the counselor so we are bashing it out. However I think this is not normal. Both my parents were always home in the evening unless something unusual was happening. I might have a work dinner once in a while, but I would never expect to eat out several nights a week on my own and do my own thing with young kids.

We used to have more conflict on this and I just gave up trying to explain to him. When our kids were very young, my “me” time was if I had a shower or went to the bathroom alone. He thought it was horrible that he has no time outside the family but it honestly seemed pretty normal to me from talking to other families with our situation. Like if you have a baby and a toddler and someone needs to get a meal on the table and there’s bedtime, that’s all hands on deck. He acted like I was super controlling and ridiculous for “not being able to handle it alone.”

[Anonymous]

If your DH also gives you 2-3 nights off a week too then sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So do you get me time on those alternate days?

We are supposed to alternate days. But on his days I was picking up the kids, cooking, and driving them to activities. He would come in a little before 5 to eat the dinner I cooked and put one kid to bed while I took the other one to an activity. The other weeknight that was mine we had marriage counseling.

I was not happy with this and told him we have to change it. He brought up his “needs” for “autonomy” to the counselor so we are bashing it out. However I think this is not normal. Both my parents were always home in the evening unless something unusual was happening. I might have a work dinner once in a while, but I would never expect to eat out several nights a week on my own and do my own thing with young kids.

We used to have more conflict on this and I just gave up trying to explain to him. When our kids were very young, my “me” time was if I had a shower or went to the bathroom alone. He thought it was horrible that he has no time outside the family but it honestly seemed pretty normal to me from talking to other families with our situation. Like if you have a baby and a toddler and someone needs to get a meal on the table and there’s bedtime, that’s all hands on deck. He acted like I was super controlling and ridiculous for “not being able to handle it alone.”

Your DH is not being a supportive partner. Time off is needed with young kids in the mix but it should not involve the other parent shouldering everything. And it should definitely not include belittling language.

[Anonymous]

Answering your original question -- almost none and I am unhappy. Maybe I get some time to myself on a telework day where I dip out at lunch to run an errand or take an afternoon off for a dr. appointment. My DS also has special needs and I do think that makes it a lot harder. I feel guilty spending time away from him and it's hard to find babysitters.

[Anonymous]

My partner goes out with friends 2-3 times/month

I go out with friends 1-2 times/month

We go out together 1 time/month

1 Kid no special needs, 2 demanding jobs

I'm fine with this, but it seems like you are not fine with your current situation, and that's what matters. "Normal" is what works for both people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have elementary aged kids, special needs in the mix. Two FT jobs. No family in town.

How much “me time” is the norm in this situation?

DH expects that 2-3 days out of the week he would not come home or be around at all. As in, goes to work and doesn’t come back until 10-11 PM. He goes out with friends, does his hobby, etc. but does not see the kids.

His job has extremely flexible hours, like mine. I personally do like 1-2 nights a week to go out but I don’t expect to not be on call between after school and bedtime.

Your children did not ask to be born and when you and your DH make the decision to have children then your ME TIME is over for a long time. Both of you are selfish and should never have had children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have elementary aged kids, special needs in the mix. Two FT jobs. No family in town.

How much “me time” is the norm in this situation?

DH expects that 2-3 days out of the week he would not come home or be around at all. As in, goes to work and doesn’t come back until 10-11 PM. He goes out with friends, does his hobby, etc. but does not see the kids.

His job has extremely flexible hours, like mine. I personally do like 1-2 nights a week to go out but I don’t expect to not be on call between after school and bedtime.

Your children did not ask to be born and when you and your DH make the decision to have children then your ME TIME is over for a long time. Both of you are selfish and should never have had children.

Go away martyr troll.

[Anonymous]

Me time? I’m just happy when DH and get us time because that’s a heck of a lot better than me time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my kids were that age DH and I got a day like that about every two months.

Very similar for us. Now that our child is in 3rd grade, it's more common for one of us to be gone until 9-10 pm for a social thing, but never more than 1x/week every other week unless it's a special work week with clients in town. There's reasonable me time, like going to the gym for 90 minutes 2x/week after bedtime or getting dinner with a friend 1x/month, but what your DH is expecting crosses a line by my standards.