grandparents contradicting parent in front of kids

[Anonymous]

You can only parent your kid, not your parents. If grandparents contradict you, you tell your child," I'm the parent they're not. You need to listen to me." Grandparent does it again, you tell kid, "yes it may seem confusing but I'm the one you listen to."

[Anonymous]

Yea, you basically just ignore your parents and keep telling your kid what to do. You may get to the point where you literally have to say “grandpa is wrong. It is time to play your instrument. Go get it.” Or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents were in over the weekend, and they contradict me and DS frequently in front of the kids.
Not necessarily over big issues, but over every issue.
"Time to put on your shoes so we can leave"...toddler refuses..."Ok, he doesn't have to put on his shoes and we don't have to go anywhere"...toddler looks confused
”Put your shoes on, Pierpont. Mom, it’s time for you to leave.”
Parent says "clean up your plate and put it in the sink"..."you don't need to do that, grandma's got it."
”Put the plate in the sink, Larlo. And then get your grandmother’s coat because she’s leaving.”
"You must practice your instrument"...groaning from kid..."that's ok, I don't need to hear him play"
“Before you practice, come say goodbye to grandma. She’s leaving now.”
Parent tells kid item is trash, not recycle. "Sure that is! It should go in the recycle" (item is a dirty napkin)
”Here mom (handing her the napkin). Take it home with you and put it in your own recycling bin.”
"We are going to do X" (parent)..."wouldn't you rather they do Y" (grandparent)
”Looks like it’s time for you to go, Mom.”

It is just constant, and it gets the kids out of their routines, which then messes everyone up.
I've asked parents not to contradict us in front of the kids, but they insist they are just helping and offering suggestions.

Mostly a rant, but any advice would be appreciated.

Just be consistent every time. Grow a spine. Shut this down. If you can’t do that, then stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Did they have rules/boundaries when they were your parents as a child? If so, ask where they have gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did they have rules/boundaries when they were your parents as a child? If so, ask where they have gone.

NP here. This doesn't seem to matter to my parents (well, my mom). She does the same thing as OP's parents and her oldest grandchild is 16. Your best bet is to contradict them in front of the kids and be aggressive about it. It still may not change them, you just have to change the way you deal with it.

[Anonymous]

When my mom is here, she makes their beds in the morning. She buys them snacks I usually don’t allow in the house. She makes extra dinners when someone complains, etc. I think this is fine. This is the way things go and grandma is in town. My kids are intelligent enough to figure out that those rules don’t apply without grandparents. All four grandparents are also intelligent enough to realize that they have different rules than I do for DC (and that they did when I was a child).

None of the grandparents are in town, but they visit quite often, multiple times a year.
In my life, and in DCs, the grandparent-grandchild relationship is one of the most important in our lives. It brings joy to my parents and ILs, DC feel their live and acceptance and I love this for all of them.

My kids are all older now, but still talk about how fun it is when grandparents, all in their 80s now, are in town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these your parents or your in-laws?

If your parents, you need to tell them privately that they shouldn’t contradict you. And if they do, you immediately call them out.

“No, Nana,we talked about this. Larlo and I are going to the park. You don’t need to go with us and can stay home. Larlo, shoes on now, please.”

“No, Nana, we talked about this. Larlo, Nana is funny. She sometimes thinks *she* is your mom. It’s time to put your plate away.”

If these are your in-laws, your spouse needs to have these conversations.

Love this response!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
They are my parents. Not In-laws.
Haha--they'd come without an invitation.
When I've tried to talk with them, I am accused of being too sensitive and not appreciative.

Then you need to grow a backbone. Until you believe you’re a real grown up, your parents won’t either.

+1 do it for your kids, OP. Your parents sound controlling and manipulative. It’s not cute or quirky. They do not respect you. Tell them. I am the parent and I make the rules and follow through. Reduce contact. Stay firm. Do it for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents were in over the weekend, and they contradict me and DS frequently in front of the kids.
Not necessarily over big issues, but over every issue.
"Time to put on your shoes so we can leave"...toddler refuses..."Ok, he doesn't have to put on his shoes and we don't have to go anywhere"...toddler looks confused

You: no, shoes on and we are leaving.

Parent says "clean up your plate and put it in the sink"..."you don't need to do that, grandma's got it."

You: no, Larla needs to do it but thanks.

"You must practice your instrument"...groaning from kid..."that's ok, I don't need to hear him play"

You: no, it is time for them to practice.

Parent tells kid item is trash, not recycle. "Sure that is! It should go in the recycle" (item is a dirty napkin)

You: what? No, that’s trash.

"We are going to do X" (parent)..."wouldn't you rather they do Y" (grandparent)

You: we are doing X.

It is just constant, and it gets the kids out of their routines, which then messes everyone up.
I've asked parents not to contradict us in front of the kids, but they insist they are just helping and offering suggestions.

Mostly a rant, but any advice would be appreciated.

Just keep blanking repeating yourself. You can even stop cold and look them in the eye and say, “I asked you not to contradict me in front of the kids.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these your parents or your in-laws?

If your parents, you need to tell them privately that they shouldn’t contradict you. And if they do, you immediately call them out.

“No, Nana,we talked about this. Larlo and I are going to the park. You don’t need to go with us and can stay home. Larlo, shoes on now, please.”

“No, Nana, we talked about this. Larlo, Nana is funny. She sometimes thinks *she* is your mom. It’s time to put your plate away.”

If these are your in-laws, your spouse needs to have these conversations.

First comment, and a good one.

Direct communication is best, with sensitivity to how relationships work to avoid conflict and embarrassment.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to note that this is a behavior that is not limited to grandparents. I have a friend with a similar age kid who often does this exact thing with my kid when I am setting a clear boundary with her. She especially does it with food and it drives me crazy because my kid is obsessed with sweets and would eat nothing but desserts and candy if she could. We don't deny them to her but we HAVE to limit when she gets them or she will simply not eat any other food and wait for the sweets. My friend constantly undermines this and it's become such a problem that we basically never go to her house because it's too hard to deal with when she's hosting and will just constantly tell my kid "oh it's okay, you can have a cookie instead" or "here, take as many fruit snacks as you want! take an extra for the car!"

I actually find it much easier to call my parents out on this than my friend, who I know would be super upset if I told her directly to please stop. So instead I smile and say stuff like "no, we're all done with treats for the day but thank you soooo much" when I'm actually really irritating.