Do you ever have bad fights with your husband?
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Anonymous
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Yes.
It happens when we start playing the blame game, where we suss out whose fault it was that we are having a disagreement at all. DH is the one who is passive aggressive, and I am the one who gets angry. For example, if I didn’t have anything ready for dinner, and he thinks I should have, he will make dinner, but it’s in kind of an angry way where he won’t talk to anyone, and there is a lot of slamming of dishes. Then I get mad and call him out. He tells me that he was doing something nice by making dinner. And then we are off into the particulars of exactly what he did that wasn’t nice. Once we started teaming up against the fight , they went away. |
Anonymous
| Honestly, never |
Anonymous
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Massive fights. DH has untreated but diagnosed anxiety and depression and diagnosed ADHD and HFA. He has a lot of baggage and cannot handle his own mistakes or the regular give-and-take compromise conversations of marriage. Neutral conversations can escalate quickly and when he gets overwhelmed or uncomfortable, his default is to yell me down rather than listen and talk through something. I set stuff up really carefully to avoid this.
It wasn’t always like this and I suspect that he is slowly drifting toward early dementia like his father did- there’s My dad was similar so it’s painful to be repeating the stuff I grew up with. I am 100% sure that argumentativeness, autism, adhd and dementia have similar roots in dopamine and seratonin receptors or imbalances. I wonder argumentativeness is DH’s brain’s way of raising neurotransmitter levels to be more functional. |
Anonymous
| There’s yelling on a daily basis and I’m sick of it. But he won’t let me leave so I just walk away and literally don’t listen. |
Anonymous
| Once in the first 5 years (we're 20+) but my BF has been married 30 years and they fight and yell all the time, they've cooled off with age but it's wild how much they love each other and still fight and yell. I kept expecting divorce but years pass and they are as loving as ever. |
Anonymous
I buy it. Half the people on this board aren’t having sex either. I’m guessing that they just don’t really interact that much beyond raising kids and running the household. |
Anonymous
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Yes, of course. Terrible fights. Been married for 35 years and we have been through a number of lows in life. Only thing that did not happen in the marriage was abuse, addiction and adultery.
We are happily married people with a successful life. We have each other's back. We have amazing kids. He is my best friend. |
Anonymous
No, it’s not. Not a feature in a normal, health marriage. Disagreements, sure. But fights with name-calling, yelling and being mean? Nope. Not in a normal marriage. |
Anonymous
There is no “normal” marriage, PP, it’s simply not your normal. Be grateful and try not to judge. |
Anonymous
| We’ve been married a long time and we’ve never had a big fight. We’ve certainly been angry with each other but it quickly passes. We are both low maintenance and pretty chill which really helps. On the stuff that really matters such as raising children, money, careers etc we have always been on the same wave length…or close enough! My husband has always let me be me which really helps. |
Anonymous
DH and I have never yelled during a fight. I grew up with a borderline abusive mom who yelled all the time. There was no normal discussions, if she was upset or irritated over something, she was yelling. Even if it was over my not making the bed. I was very conflict adverse because of it and after I got therapy. Dh grew up with parents who yelled a lot as well. He hated it and vowed to deal with things better. He doesn't yell but hes in general a very even, easy going type guy So yes, because of my therapy and because of DHs general temperament, we've never yelled at each other. And contrary to what a PP said, we spend a ton of time together and have a great sex life. |
Anonymous
| Yes, we argue loudly and sometimes yell. It's a normal way to express anger. We clear the air quickly and hold no grudges. No name calling though. |
Anonymous
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Occassional yelling, yes, name calling and being mean? Never. Been married over 25 years and near the brink of divorce (ADHD/anxiety/depression) twice.
FWIW I come from a horrifically abusive family of origin. Abuse of any kind isn't something I'd tolerate - name calling and being mean meet that criteria. |
Anonymous
| A couple. I try really hard not to yell but it has happened. Maybe 4-6 times in a 15 year marriage. I realize I let stuff go over and over until I explode. |
Anonymous
Agree that disagreements are normal. Yelling, name calling, and generally creating an unhealthy environment is not normal. My now young adult kids are shocked the way many households yell and scream at each other. Discussing things is fine, yelling is not. You are damaging your kids when you have yelling screaming fights. |