toddler behavior question- looking back what would you have done differently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sleep stuff. My son is 4 and still wakes up throughout the night, and always finds us. I haven’t been rested in so long - and yes, that’s just parenting, but I wish I had sleep trained when my kid was in a crib so that he had some concept of how to put himself back to sleep without us. I didn’t have the heart and figured it would resolve on its own and it just hasnt. It’s impossible to do when they are this age, and yes, he will figure it out at some point, but knowing that he’ll stay in his room by age 10 is cold comfort right now.

I have a friend whose wife allowed their two kids to sleep in parent's room, they were still sleeping in there at ages 12 and 10 although they were sleeping on the floor at that point. Mom just didn't have the heart to insist they sleep in their own rooms. File this under how to make your kids totally unsure they can do normal things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had been more chill and not gotten angry over what I see now was normal behavior. I have a kid with severe anxiety (age 8) and can't help but think I caused some of it with my constant "stop that!" type stuff. Also don't compare your methods to other parents. All kids learn differently.

+1
Major regrets about being too harsh with my sweet kids who are still sweet in their early teens

+2 We have recently been focusing on good behaviors and ignoring bad behaviors and picking battles more carefully and not only does it work better for improving behavior but she also seems to be more confident in social situations. Sometimes she tells me lately that she "knows how to listen" because I've been telling her how she did a great job listening. She actually wants to do what I tell her, but partly because I am not constantly telling her what to do/what not to do.

Pick your battles is my advice. Let the child learn on her own as much as possible, with safety always being an exception, ie climbing on tables. Don't be one of those parents who gets on their kids about everything because you are afraid that people will judge you for their behavior. Other parents know that kids can be tough so let some stuff slide.

This. It's hard sometimes, but I always parent the way I want even when I know other adults are watching and potentially judging either me or my kid.

Also, all kids are different and you need to get used to the idea now that your child will not develop and mature in lock step with peers. I have had the experience of other parents noting that my kid seems "advanced" regarding certain areas of maturity, but I've also seen the looks on their faces when my kid demonstrates poor emotional control or is super rigid, and I know what those looks mean. It's fine. My child is an individual and I'm parenting her as she needs to be parented. It's very easy to look at someone else's child and think "Oh if they just did what I do, their child would behave like mine." Probably not, actually. They likely parent differently than you do because their kids are different and need different things. Their parenting might not be perfect but neither is yours, and your parenting might not work for their kid at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had been more chill and not gotten angry over what I see now was normal behavior. I have a kid with severe anxiety (age 8) and can't help but think I caused some of it with my constant "stop that!" type stuff. Also don't compare your methods to other parents. All kids learn differently.

This.

[Anonymous]

Table manners, ugh. First DC was little and it didn't seem worth fighting over, then the pandemic hit and the pod nanny just let them do whatever. Now I have an almost 8 year old that still eats with their fingers, lounges on dining chairs, and uses their shirt as a napkin. It's so embarrassing now that they're older and doing those things at other people's houses and in public. We correct and correct, but it's so ingrained that it's just not sinking in. Wish I would have focused on it more as a toddler and instilled good habits from the start.

So I guess, pick your battles, but also start as you mean to continue. If you don't want your big kid interrupting and jumping on the couch, don't let your one and two year old do it.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids. When they were younger, one was very headstrong but also prone to anxiety. The other one was generally cheerful and easy to redirect. Things were just much easier with the latter kiddo.

Overall, I would say focus on enforcing one or a couple rules at a time. Things like climbing the table won't last forever! I have never in my life seen an 8-year-old do that, unless they have severe developmental delays. Some things will go away regardless of whether you fight over it.

I remember my sister being horrified when my toddlers would eat with their hands. Now they are older and eat like normal human beings. Don't waste a lot of energy on getting ahead of what's developmentally appropriate.

For things that I wish that I did curtail? Honestly, can't think of a single one. I wish I was less frustrated with the small details and enjoyed those early days more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sleep stuff. My son is 4 and still wakes up throughout the night, and always finds us. I haven’t been rested in so long - and yes, that’s just parenting, but I wish I had sleep trained when my kid was in a crib so that he had some concept of how to put himself back to sleep without us. I didn’t have the heart and figured it would resolve on its own and it just hasnt. It’s impossible to do when they are this age, and yes, he will figure it out at some point, but knowing that he’ll stay in his room by age 10 is cold comfort right now.

I am deeply sympathetic to the pain of sleep deprivation because mine was the absolute worst sleeper ever until 20 months, but please know you’re an outlier. Most kids who aren’t sleep trained do figure it out, usually around 2. Some don’t, but that’s rare. Joining groups that normalize infant sleep biology has been helpful for me since I also choose not to sleep train.

Mine is 24 months and now sleeps through some nights or wakes once but has never ever slept in our bed. Her sleep improved on its own over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach your child super early not to interrupt adults talking to each other. That will put them light years ahead of their peers in terms of polite behavior. Most parents neglect to teach their children not to interrupt because they spend a lot of time alone with them, so it’s no big deal. But unfortunately it has created an entire generation of children rudely interrupting adults for every whim and often mothers are very unaware of how unlikeable it makes their child.

+1. We are still working on this with my 4yo but it's 100% worth correcting consistently, every single time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach your child super early not to interrupt adults talking to each other. That will put them light years ahead of their peers in terms of polite behavior. Most parents neglect to teach their children not to interrupt because they spend a lot of time alone with them, so it’s no big deal. But unfortunately it has created an entire generation of children rudely interrupting adults for every whim and often mothers are very unaware of how unlikeable it makes their child.

+1. We are still working on this with my 4yo but it's 100% worth correcting consistently, every single time.

Since it sounds like it hasn't worked yet, maybe you could try a different approach, like trying to "catch" your child not interrupting and then saying "Great job not interrupting Mom while she is speaking with a friend!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach your child super early not to interrupt adults talking to each other. That will put them light years ahead of their peers in terms of polite behavior. Most parents neglect to teach their children not to interrupt because they spend a lot of time alone with them, so it’s no big deal. But unfortunately it has created an entire generation of children rudely interrupting adults for every whim and often mothers are very unaware of how unlikeable it makes their child.

+1. We are still working on this with my 4yo but it's 100% worth correcting consistently, every single time.

Since it sounds like it hasn't worked yet, maybe you could try a different approach, like trying to "catch" your child not interrupting and then saying "Great job not interrupting Mom while she is speaking with a friend!"

It worked really really well for a while (2.5-3.5) but then she hit the chatterbox stage around 4 and just never. stops. talking. Whether it's interrupting or not.

I do praise her for not interrupting, and we have also continued to do the "hold Mom/Dad's arm and wait to be acknowledged" thing. It works, just imperfectly

[Anonymous]

I would've been a little less proud of them. They were both petty advanced development wise, especially my first, and got a lot of attention and reinforcement for certain traits that are more performance based than be a well-rounded person based. Those things that started in toddlerhood carried on through other stages... like their approval currency was formed around actions, not just being people on the planet.

[Anonymous]

His eating. My DS was always very thin (1% in weight) and just had no interest in eating. I'm super petite and the doctors ruled out anything medical, but it still made me so anxious. My husband and I would do everything we would to get him to eat -- snacking whenever, meals in front of the ipad, etc. Fast forward to him at 2 years old and nothing has changed. He's still in the 1% (which I'm told is fine) but he eats best in front of his ipad. We're weaning him off it and instituting meal times with his younger brother but I wish we didn't get caught up in this in the first place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had been more chill and not gotten angry over what I see now was normal behavior. I have a kid with severe anxiety (age 8) and can't help but think I caused some of it with my constant "stop that!" type stuff. Also don't compare your methods to other parents. All kids learn differently.

This.

So much of parenting is family specific. My sister spent years trying to keep her kids from climbing and walking on her kitchen counters. My kids just never did it. I am not some kind of parenting genius. I just have different kids. For kid #1 I was pretty proud that I did not make a big deal about his fussy eating around 2 and it just faded away on its own. For kids #2 it was a big deal that lasted throughout her childhood...but how could I have predicted that,

[Anonymous]

Sitting at a table with something quiet to do for increasing periods of time without getting up (meal times and play times). In general I like a goal of 30 minutes by age 3 and 60 minutes by age 5 (not all kids are the same, obviously). The transition to school is usually so much easier if sitting quietly is already in their repertoire.

Sitting and waiting quietly without anything to do for increasing periods of time. Goal of 3 minutes by age 3 and 10 minutes by age 5. Try to practice waiting at least once a day, more when first starting this as you’ll likely have to start by waiting for seconds not minutes.

Accepting “No” without crying or whining.

Street crossing.

Locating an adult (first in the same room, then in a different room) to ask for help.

Following basic 1-2 step instructions from a familiar adult the first time you ask. (Ex: “come here”, kid immediately comes or “clean up” and kid does it immediately).

Teach them how to appropriately interrupt a conversation by tapping you on the arm or saying excuse me rather than just butting in.

Not climbing the furniture or at least following the direction “get down”.

Using everyday objects for their intended purpose and not as toys.

Treating items with respect/not breaking things for “fun”.

Basic manners.

That there’s a difference in expectations inside and outside (rambunctiousness, voice volume, etc).

Walking independently instead of being carried or pushed in a stroller most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sitting at a table with something quiet to do for increasing periods of time without getting up (meal times and play times). In general I like a goal of 30 minutes by age 3 and 60 minutes by age 5 (not all kids are the same, obviously). The transition to school is usually so much easier if sitting quietly is already in their repertoire.

Sitting and waiting quietly without anything to do for increasing periods of time. Goal of 3 minutes by age 3 and 10 minutes by age 5. Try to practice waiting at least once a day, more when first starting this as you’ll likely have to start by waiting for seconds not minutes.

Accepting “No” without crying or whining.

Street crossing.

Locating an adult (first in the same room, then in a different room) to ask for help.

Following basic 1-2 step instructions from a familiar adult the first time you ask. (Ex: “come here”, kid immediately comes or “clean up” and kid does it immediately).

Teach them how to appropriately interrupt a conversation by tapping you on the arm or saying excuse me rather than just butting in.

Not climbing the furniture or at least following the direction “get down”.

Using everyday objects for their intended purpose and not as toys.

Treating items with respect/not breaking things for “fun”.

Basic manners.

That there’s a difference in expectations inside and outside (rambunctiousness, voice volume, etc).

Walking independently instead of being carried or pushed in a stroller most of the time.

These are all very good. The first two remind me of my DH. I used to always bring coloring books for my toddler to restaurants because her being quiet was the most important part to me. But DH always suggested we let her be, as long as she was being calm/quiet, with no entertainment because it's important for her to be able to tolerate boredom/sitting still. He was right. She is 4 and requires no entertainment at restaurants now