Feeling sad that my son's father is such an a--hole

[Anonymous]

OP here. He wasn't an asshole when we were dating. I guess he was just acting and being on his best behavior. But since we broke up, I see what a total played he really is. He recently got married out of the blue which is really odd since he claimed he never wanted to marry anyone ever. It won't last b/c he will eventually cheat on her like he has done with many other women. My brother now lives about 2 hrs away and he has a son and a daughter so I'll make an effort to take my son to see his uncle. I feel terrible for him b/c I see how much he tends to hang on other dads in our neighborhood. They are super nice guys so they don't seem to mind him. The more I see these men, the more I am glad my son's father isn't really involved b/c they are such good men and his dad just isn't.

[Anonymous]

OP What about signing your DS up for Big Brothers?

http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.9iILI3NGKhK6F/b.5962335/k.BE16/Home.htm

[Anonymous]

I do have Big Brothers in the back of my head but I think he has a few more yrs before he is old enough for it. Thanks for the suggestion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were these guys all assholes when you were dating? Cheating on you? Been like that forever?

Will answering this question help the OP with HER question?

The stories on this thread have me tearing up. My husband's dad was basically MIA from the time he was very young. His mom raised him, working three jobs sometimes to make ends meet. She raised him really well - he respects women, gets along great with men, and is a wonderful, involved dad to our LO. He never really had many male role models, but I think that changed a great deal when he enlisted in the military after HS. You can raise a wonderful child as a single mom.

Surprisingly, he has started to repair his relationship with his father recently. I think his dad has a lot of regrets.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who doesn't think the dad is an "a--hole?" I don't know the extent of the relationship between OP and the guy, but it seems like he did make time to see the kid on one of his days off.

Is he not contributing financially to your kid's well being? Does he abuse your kid in any way? Is he outwardly dismissive of your kid? Contest you in your preferred custody situation? These are a--hole moves to me. What you're describing is more like frustration that you can't micromanage his schedule and mold him into the dad YOU think he should be.

You said it yourself: he travels a lot for work. Sounds like he makes enough of his time off to have personal time (important for everyone, even parents) and time with his kids. Your kid accepts this as normal, you say. I hope to god you're not bad mouthing the dad in front of your impressionable six year old, creating a void that doesn't have to be there.

Fathers Day (despite being a made-up holiday, that I think is a little silly) is supposed to honor the father; it's not for this kids. Could it be that this guy, while he enjoys spending time with his kid, didn't feel like attempting to live up to our overblown intensive parenting expectations on a day that was created to generate retail revenue?

And what's with the overemphasis on MALE role models anyway? Great if you find a few coaches or teachers that have a Y chromosome your kid looks up to, but I'd focus on finding supportive, caring, responsible adults as role models for him of EITHER gender- he's not going to fall apart if he doesn't find a surrogate dad.

Anyway, take this as you will, OP. I'm not trying to be trollish or nasty, and not looking for a fight. I just wanted to offer one version of a reality check.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the guy isn't the worst since he hasn't totally abandoned his child but is that the standard to use? I agree with OP that he is a major jerk because he is not making his child his priority when he's in town. Father's Day is a special day for kids, too -- they have friends and their friends are going out for brunch for Father's Day. To have a dad who can't find a few hours on Father's Day to see his child just sucks in my view. So sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

PP. You are way off base. OP said that Father spends only 1-2 days every six months w/ child. My ex travels a lot for work and would NEVER do this to our child. Even when he is away, he finds ways to be in touch (and he works in some pretty hairy end of the world type places).

And as I understand OP, Father did not spend any of Father's Day with child, even though he spent part of the previous day w/ child. What do you think it says to the child if Father's Day is about honoring the Father and the Father's message is that the way he would like to be honored is to not see child?

And, BTW, the point of finding male role models is so that OP's son doesn't grow up thinking all males are supposed to behave like this.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP. He does things when they are in his best interests. First of all, he is obligated by law to provide child support. He will go to jail if he does not comply. Paying child support does not make him a good dad. It makes him a law abiding one. He has bought him a XMAS or bday gift maybe 3-4 times his whole life. He has never shown any interest in custody b/c that would mean he actually has to parent his kid. He isn't interested in doing that. He'll leave all of it up to me. He sees our son about 4 times per year for a day each time. He lives about 2 hrs away and has plenty of time to see him when he is not traveling but he chooses not to visit. He is just very self-centered which the problem. He came to visit the day before Father's Day b/c he was passing through where we live on the way to his place. My son has a good role model in me which is fine for now but he will need a good male role model when he gets older. I don't even talk about his dad so there is no bad mouthing going on. He sees and talks to him so little that he rarely talks about him either. Basically, he just doesn't want to be a dad and I feel sorry for my son b/c of that. My son is a great kid and I feel bad that he doesn't have what other kids have- a dad who cares. I get a reality check everyday when our neighbors' dads come home from work and my son runs to them alongside their own kids. Luckily, I have great neighbors who will scoop him up and give him a hug too.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I am sorry for this but I am in a joint custody situation and it is very very hard for my child to go back and forth and for me to deal with his father, who is vindictive and unreasonable. Also I know tons of children who grew up with one parent and did beautifully. It only takes one stable, loving parent. Life is long, you may fall in love again and your new love will be a role model for your son. Try to focus on the good in your situation. Remember it's eating away at you but your son doesn't seem to care or mind and that's what counts. He'll be fine. You will, too.

[Anonymous]

OP, DD's father is active and involved, though I do most of the heavy lifting, but he is still an a**hole to me. I think he's angry at me for ending things between us and has made me his enemy. DD is not quite a year old, but I wonder how she will handle the tension between us in the future. When we're trading off, we act like total strangers making a business transaction or we bicker a bit and leave in disgust. He was very lazy and hands off for months. Things got better when we ended things and I called him on his behavior. He's the type to do the bare minimum if I don't say anything.

[Anonymous]

My son's father is an asshole and I have to deal with him all the time. The grass isn't always greener...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son's father (we were never married) works and travels a lot for his job. He is often overseas and probably only sees DS once or twice every six months for maybe a day or so. This is normal for my son who is 6 and he doesn't question it. This weekend, his dad got 2 days off and instead of spending both of them with his son (tomorrow being Father's Day), he decides to visit today for 7-8 hrs or so and then leaves to spend Father's Day with his current flavor of the month. I am just feeling sad that my son has such a loser for a father. I know there are great men out there and wonderful fathers and I'm just feeling sad that my son's father isn't one of them. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that he'd rather get laid than spend the day with his son who he has seen once for 5 hrs in the last 6 months. Has any single mom found a great guy and a great dad for their child? I would love to find a great male role model for my son but it is so hard. I've done online dating and most single guys say they want kids but not a woman with a child or they already have kids and don't want any more. I don't fault them for this. At least they are honest but I feel sad that I cannot find a father figure for my son. I've started signing him up for sports (he has played soccer and lacrosse) and all of the coaches are men which is a good thing. My son has really loved being around men. I'd also love to send him to an all boys' school for middle and high school but as a single parent, I don't have the money. I applied for private schools last year when he was starting K and he got into some of them but they didn't have any FA for new families due to the economy. My son plays with the other kids in our neighborhood and is all over their dads so I know he needs a male role model. Just wanted to vent I guess

Don't give up, the right guy is out there. My brother was a single, never-married guy who fell in love with a wonderful woman who had a 5 y.o. DD by her previous marriage. They are now happily married, with custody of the 1st DD, and a DS of their own. My brother has a great relationship with his step-daughter - no friction at all. The only problem is that my SIL's ex is still an *sshole, but they do their best to rise above that and not mention it. My niece will figure that own on her own someday.

AND

My husband & I were introduced by a good friend of his. This friend had dated around for years, but the woman he finally fell in love with and married has a son by her previous marriage. Friend and son have a great relationship and the couple have had two additional children since then. Again, totally happy family - no step issues at all.

Both of these couples met via online dating, one in Michigan (my brother) and one in NoVa (our friend). Good luck, don't give up, good guys are out there. P.S. If it matters they're all well-educated. My brother is a sports broadcaster and his wife is a teacher. Our friend has a PhD and his wife an MBA. Maybe smart guys have fewer hang ups about these things.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to what you are going through(we were never married) either. When I was six months pregnant I found out my son's father had a 1 year old daughter. His mother revealed to me the truth about his life and he also has a really bad drinking problem. He was very controlling and so decided to leave him when my son was about a year old, however, I ended up having to live a homeless shelter because I did not have anyone to help me at the time. While living in the shelter I enrolled in college and I 'm now working towards a nursing degree and I have a beautiful home. My son's father is still chasing women and living at his parents house. Four months ago he got arrested for drinkng and driving(2nd DUI). He can care less about spending time with his son. I made a bad decision getting pregnant by that man but I don't let him affect the life that I'm trying to build with my son. I know that my son's father is a loser ,but, I also have learned a lesson about the type of men that I need to avoid. I used to feel bad not having anyone to help me raise my son, but, going to college, meeting friends, and supporting my son gives me the strenght to be happy. If god blesses me with a man it would be a bonus until then I'm going to keep moving forward and make my son the center of my world. You should do the same...you seem like a bright woman and keep your head up the right man will come around and enjoy life because you never know what tommorrow will bring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who doesn't think the dad is an "a--hole?"

Yes.

[Anonymous]

And what's with the overemphasis on MALE role models anyway? Great if you find a few coaches or teachers that have a Y chromosome your kid looks up to, but I'd focus on finding supportive, caring, responsible adults as role models for him of EITHER gender- he's not going to fall apart if he doesn't find a surrogate dad.


Boys especially need adult males to teach them how to be men. As a single mom with a DS I am concerned about how to teach DS to and when to fight. He has to be able to defend himself and family one day. As a woman I was never taught how to defend my family physically... I also can't tell him how to date. I can tell him how I felt but *shrug*.
Heck, I can't even teach him how to use the bathroom standing up. I never got the hover craft thing down myself...

Girls need adult male role models for other reasons.