This is shaping up to be an awful death (vent)

[Anonymous]

I have no answers OP but my heart is with you.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m so sorry.

You can’t get this right or fix it. It’s just horrible. It’s a horrible thing.

Just do the best you can by him and keep moving forward through it. You’re not trying to keep him alive, you’re just holding his hand through this bad period.

Remember that the measure of a life is not a good death. You don’t get scored on the last days, you get scores on all the days.

The things that made him tenacious and independent may be making it harder now, or maybe he just drew the bad straw of end of life. It’s okay for it to be awful and suck, it’s okay for you to not be able to fix it for him, it’s okay to be relieved when it’s over, and it’s okay to start grieving before the actual death.

You’re doing the best you can. One foot in front of the other. You’ll both get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry OP. Not to be grim but medical aid in dying is legal in Washington Dc.
https://compassionandchoices.org/resource/states-or-territories-where-medical-aid-in-dying-is-authorized

Alas, he’s in Maryland.

Surely you can move him to DC temporarily to give him the end of life care he wants? My father financially supported the organization linked above for years because he felt people should be able to make these decisions for themselves. Unfortunately, he lived in a state that didn’t allow assisted suicide. He suffered a terrible death I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It was traumatizing for my mother, sibling and me. I deeply regret that I allowed him to die the way he did. I live in MD and have made it clear that if I receive a similar diagnosis, my family is to get my ass to DC.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. Please, we just went through this, get a very realistic picture from nurses how much time he has left. If it's a mere week, take off work and sit there and hold his hand until he passes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP. Please, we just went through this, get a very realistic picture from nurses how much time he has left. If it's a mere week, take off work and sit there and hold his hand until he passes.

I’ve found that they can’t really tell you. No one could give us a time frame until 4 days before my dad died, at which point they said it was “days to weeks.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry OP. Not to be grim but medical aid in dying is legal in Washington Dc.
https://compassionandchoices.org/resource/states-or-territories-where-medical-aid-in-dying-is-authorized

Alas, he’s in Maryland.

Surely you can move him to DC temporarily to give him the end of life care he wants? My father financially supported the organization linked above for years because he felt people should be able to make these decisions for themselves. Unfortunately, he lived in a state that didn’t allow assisted suicide. He suffered a terrible death I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It was traumatizing for my mother, sibling and me. I deeply regret that I allowed him to die the way he did. I live in MD and have made it clear that if I receive a similar diagnosis, my family is to get my ass to DC.

That’s not how it works. You’d need to prove he is a DC resident and get documentation from DC doctors. You can’t just show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im so sorry OP. Not to be grim but medical aid in dying is legal in Washington Dc.
https://compassionandchoices.org/resource/states-or-territories-where-medical-aid-in-dying-is-authorized

Alas, he’s in Maryland.

Surely you can move him to DC temporarily to give him the end of life care he wants? My father financially supported the organization linked above for years because he felt people should be able to make these decisions for themselves. Unfortunately, he lived in a state that didn’t allow assisted suicide. He suffered a terrible death I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It was traumatizing for my mother, sibling and me. I deeply regret that I allowed him to die the way he did. I live in MD and have made it clear that if I receive a similar diagnosis, my family is to get my ass to DC.

That’s not how it works. You’d need to prove he is a DC resident and get documentation from DC doctors. You can’t just show up.

There are nursing homes in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP. Please, we just went through this, get a very realistic picture from nurses how much time he has left. If it's a mere week, take off work and sit there and hold his hand until he passes.

His vitals are strong. Could be weeks, months, years. They can’t say.

[Anonymous]

OP. I'm so sorry. Please ignore everyone who's giving you assvice: You are making all the right decisions, and this is just something that is awful.

[Anonymous]

Unable to feed himself + miserable +asking to die = euthanasia should absolutely be looked into!

Your father deserves to die in dignity instead of lingering in pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unable to feed himself + miserable +asking to die = euthanasia should absolutely be looked into!

Your father deserves to die in dignity instead of lingering in pain.

OP here, I completely agree! I wish that euthanasia were legal in Maryland, where he is a resident. I cannot move him to DC and spend the money and time that would be required to establish him as a DC resident, moving him to another nursing home in his fragile state, getting him DC doctors, establishing him with a DC hospice, providing utility, lease, driver's license, etc etc - all the things that are demanded for right-to-die treatment in DC....

I so wish I could do this for him, but it is neither practical nor possible.

I do know that I plan to age in a right-to-die state. This is no way to end a life.

[Anonymous]

Here are all the requirements, in case it helps someone else: https://dchealth.dc.gov/sites/default/files/dc/sites/doh/page_content/attachments/Death%20with%20Dignity%20-%20Frequently%20Asked%20Questions%20%28FAQ%29.03.20.18.pdf

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. It is so hard. My dad had a terrible last few months with delirium and dementia brought on by end stage Parkinsons. He called me multiple times a day in total distress and it was horrifying. He got in the habit of calling me at 9:30 at night, just as I got into bed to read after exhausting days. I had to stop taking his calls then, as terrible as that was, because if I did I wouldn't be able to get to sleep.

Remember this: we are not how we die. We are how we LIVE. The measure of your dad's life is the full scope of it, not this terrible bad moment (in the broad scope of things) at the end.

Dying is rotten, uncomfortable, lonely, and frightening for most of us - inherently, even if everything is done right. Until the last months my dad had my mom lovingly caring for him, daily aids, his kids and grandkids...and he was in psychic pain. No one could do his dying for him, and so he had to face it in all it's loneliness and emptiness. You can't die for your dad, either. He has to go through this.

Hug him, hold his hand, play his favorite music. When things got bad I started reading poetry to my dad, either in person or over the phone. Mary Oliver was a favorite.

Sending wishes for comfort and peace to you, OP. You are going through a very hard time. Be kind and good to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there any possibility of moving him to an apartment or rental, and having hospice nurses visit him? Hospice has gotten into a big business recently and I wonder if there is some mishandling occurring.

My experience with hospice nurses is that they visit once a week.

Ours in Md visits the house once a week. If it is a more challenging case they will come more frequently.

[Anonymous]

OP, I found getting counseling for me helped. You might have free counseling for yourself through hospice.