How to handle - my teen

[Anonymous]

I am angry for you. I would pursue it. While your child doesn’t want you to “rock the boat,” this can be a valuable lesson in self advocacy. Tell your child that you aren’t going to go in angry or aggressive - that sometimes adults have to work things out. You can write an email to the teacher saying, “given our middle school’s policy about asking for preferred names, etc., I am surprised to hear of your policy in Orchestra. Have you passed this policy by the Principal as I wonder if she would endorse this? Can you please let me know as I would like to learn more and speak to the principal if this has already been passed by them/endorsed by them. I look forward to your response” I think this isn’t rocking the boat as I would have gone crazy if this ignorant teacher even threatened to fail my child with their antiLBQT ideas.

[Anonymous]

I get wanting to respect that your kid doesn't want a confrontation, but I would
-inquire with the teacher
-If she says girls must wear skirts and she won't reconsider, I would take it to the principal

It just inappropriate in 2022 to force women to wear pants or dresses, and particularly so at a public school. Is the teacher going to say that girls can't wear headscarves because it's not part of the required outfit? I don't think you even need to bring gender identity into the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen has been playing in the orchestra since they were in early elementary. They love playing it's something they have found solace in during some really tough times. They know they aren't ever going to be a professional, but it's something they enjoy and we encourage.

This year, they have a new teacher who is very old school about music. I've told my child that not everyone is going to be supportive of how they choose to live (non-binary) and they really have gotten to a place in their life where they are ok with judgement. There is a big recital coming up (their first with the new teacher) and the teacher is forcing all girls to wear dresses and boys to wear pants. She (the teacher) has told my child since they are a girl, they must wear a skirt. My child does not identify that way an wants to wear pants. They were told - no skirt, no performance (which means an F in the class). I'm outraged but my child doesn't want to make a big deal out of it.

Not sure what to do - they plan to wear a skirt, but I know they are upset because I hear them on the phone with a friend discussing it. I'm just so pissed about the whole thing.

Just have your kid show up in the correct outfit with pants. What is this teacher going to do? Ask them to leave the stage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My teen has been playing in the orchestra since they were in early elementary. They love playing it's something they have found solace in during some really tough times. They know they aren't ever going to be a professional, but it's something they enjoy and we encourage.

This year, they have a new teacher who is very old school about music. I've told my child that not everyone is going to be supportive of how they choose to live (non-binary) and they really have gotten to a place in their life where they are ok with judgement. There is a big recital coming up (their first with the new teacher) and the teacher is forcing all girls to wear dresses and boys to wear pants. She (the teacher) has told my child since they are a girl, they must wear a skirt. My child does not identify that way an wants to wear pants. They were told - no skirt, no performance (which means an F in the class). I'm outraged but my child doesn't want to make a big deal out of it.

Not sure what to do - they plan to wear a skirt, but I know they are upset because I hear them on the phone with a friend discussing it. I'm just so pissed about the whole thing.

Just have your kid show up in the correct outfit with pants. What is this teacher going to do? Ask them to leave the stage?

[not the op] This is I would do as an angry middle aged woman but my teen (cis but hasn't worn a skirt or dress since she was 7) would go into a full anxiety spiral if she knew she was breaking the teacher's rules and could be turned away at the last minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first thing I would do is get the correct story. This is your daughters side of the story. You say that the teacher is old school. Does she know that your child is non binary? Does she know exactly what it is? (Seriously, I don’t even know what any of it is anymore). Did your daughter actually approach the teacher about this and the teacher said firm no and that she will fail? Or is your child assuming so? Either way, I would say something. You as a parent, need to do what you think is best. I would say something. My child is black. His white teacher called him a monkey. My child didn’t want me to say anything. Hell to the no! He is not capable of understanding how some adults act inappropriately and needs to be called out on it.

Please don't add gender to my non-binary child. They are not my daughter - but my child please respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My teen has been playing in the orchestra since they were in early elementary. They love playing it's something they have found solace in during some really tough times. They know they aren't ever going to be a professional, but it's something they enjoy and we encourage.

This year, they have a new teacher who is very old school about music. I've told my child that not everyone is going to be supportive of how they choose to live (non-binary) and they really have gotten to a place in their life where they are ok with judgement. There is a big recital coming up (their first with the new teacher) and the teacher is forcing all girls to wear dresses and boys to wear pants. She (the teacher) has told my child since they are a girl, they must wear a skirt. My child does not identify that way an wants to wear pants. They were told - no skirt, no performance (which means an F in the class). I'm outraged but my child doesn't want to make a big deal out of it.

Not sure what to do - they plan to wear a skirt, but I know they are upset because I hear them on the phone with a friend discussing it. I'm just so pissed about the whole thing.

Just have your kid show up in the correct outfit with pants. What is this teacher going to do? Ask them to leave the stage?

We actually discussed this. I think that is what they plan to do. Since the teacher specifically said "girls wear skirts" and my child does not identify as a girl, they want to go this route. I told them I back up any choice they make here.

[Anonymous]

This is sex-based discrimination by a state actor and it’s illegal unless the state demonstrates “an exceedingly persuasive justification for that action”—which they certainly can’t do here. Check out the recent 4th Circuit decision ruling that a charter school can’t impose a skirts-only dress code for girls: https://www.ca4.uscourts.gov/opinions/201001A.p.pdf

The school leadership will know this, even if the teacher doesn’t. If your child just shows up in pants, they should be fine—any consequences the teacher might try to impose won’t stick. I’m so sorry you and your kid have to deal with this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am angry for you. I would pursue it. While your child doesn’t want you to “rock the boat,” this can be a valuable lesson in self advocacy. Tell your child that you aren’t going to go in angry or aggressive - that sometimes adults have to work things out. You can write an email to the teacher saying, “given our middle school’s policy about asking for preferred names, etc., I am surprised to hear of your policy in Orchestra. Have you passed this policy by the Principal as I wonder if she would endorse this? Can you please let me know as I would like to learn more and speak to the principal if this has already been passed by them/endorsed by them. I look forward to your response” I think this isn’t rocking the boat as I would have gone crazy if this ignorant teacher even threatened to fail my child with their antiLBQT ideas.

It’s not a lesson in self-advocacy if you are deciding how to handle something over your kid’s objections. You can choose to do that, but don’t call it a lesson in self-advocacy. Instead, acknowledge that you think the issue is important enough that you think it warrants a parent stepping in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a DD who is a girl and identifies as a girl but wears “ boy clothing” and has short hair. I would be pissed about this. Part of why we picked the school she goes to now is the girls can wear pants/shorts as part of the uniform. Is this orchestra connected to a school/county or completely independent?

I have two daughters who identify as girls and wear long hair and begrudgingly wear dresses when I tell them it is appropriate for the occasion but I am pissed about this on your/your kid's behalf! Schools should not mandate gendered dress clothing for situations like this. Just tell the kids what is appropriate clothing.

I am surprised your kid goes to a school in a close-in suburb of DC. I assume this is a private school? I would definitely raise this with the principal?

[Anonymous]

I know some of the posters are trying to be helpful. But a girl (that identifies as a girl) who doesn't want to wear a dress is a bit different than a non-binary or trans student not wanting to be misgendered by being forced to wear dresses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a DD who is a girl and identifies as a girl but wears “ boy clothing” and has short hair. I would be pissed about this. Part of why we picked the school she goes to now is the girls can wear pants/shorts as part of the uniform. Is this orchestra connected to a school/county or completely independent?

I have two daughters who identify as girls and wear long hair and begrudgingly wear dresses when I tell them it is appropriate for the occasion but I am pissed about this on your/your kid's behalf! Schools should not mandate gendered dress clothing for situations like this. Just tell the kids what is appropriate clothing.

I am surprised your kid goes to a school in a close-in suburb of DC. I assume this is a private school? I would definitely raise this with the principal?

I am a PP not the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live (generally). Is it a public or a private school? Is it possible this requirement is illegal? Is the local community likely to support you pushing back?

I live in a liberal part of North Carolina, and I can already imagine the holy hell the local mom's group would raise if we found out this was happening to a child. I feel certain our local school board would not tolerate it if the principal did not step up. In that kind of community, I would encourage my child to push back and take a stand.

However, if there is a chance pushing back will just make your child a target for more abuse, I think you should encourage them, but also respect it if they just want to go with the flow. At the end of the day, they will be the one putting themselves on the line. if they feel unsafe and do not want to push back, it's not fair to force them.

Public school. Close in DC suburb. The school itself if fantastic. They ask all the kids on the first couple of days what name they prefer and what their pronouns are. All the teachers are very good about this (even when kids change name, pronouns mid year). It's just this one teacher.

This one teacher should be fired.

OP I understand you wanting to respect your child's wishes.

I am very sorry this so called teacher has a job. UGH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know some of the posters are trying to be helpful. But a girl (that identifies as a girl) who doesn't want to wear a dress is a bit different than a non-binary or trans student not wanting to be misgendered by being forced to wear dresses.

I think given that the kid wants to address the issue without a big fight and we don't know that the school/district has any protections related to gender identity, the strategic way to address the issue is to go with the big tent arguement that it's not 1922 and there is no mainstream event at which a person of any gender should be prohibited from wearing pants.

[Anonymous]

This might be easily cleared up with an email to the teacher. If that doesn't go anywhere, then you can escalate it to the guidance counselor (which is the next step in my kids' school) or to an administrator.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation with my kid last year. The person in charge of graduation insisted she wear a skirt/dress.

I responded to the “policy” email, politely asking for clarification and citing that my kid had worn pants to literally every single function during her time at the school, and to insist at this point seemed that perhaps the information had not been updated.

I cc’d the principal and dean of students as an fyi. The principal emailed me almost immediately that my kid could of course wear pants AND they found my kid to make sure she got the message.

I guess my point is that this is a big deal. You should escalate it to the next step and get clarification. And you can do so without starting off aggressively.

Good luck to you.