Therapy for those juggling elderly parents, teens, and jobs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

Disagree.

If you were raised by loving parents, then you care for them as they age.

It’s no wonder Americans are in such dire straits. Far too many don’t have empathy.

I was raised by loving parents. My siblings and I are stepping up to help them as they age. We are modeling this sort of loving behavior for our children. This is what normal families do.

If the spouse wants to help her husband, then *help him* by taking things off his plate. Suggesting therapy to a busy guy isn’t helpful imho.

if you have multiple siblings and are sharing the load, that is very different from what a lot of us are facing. Also you have to ask yourself what your parent would want. For example, I used to visit my mom on Friday afternoons but now my kid wants to do an activity that makes those Friday visits impossible. But I know that if my mom were healthy, she would want me to prioritize my kids (her grandkids!) over her, so I do.

But, there is nothing stopping you from visiting her on another afternoon or evening? right? Where there is a will there is a way.

OP, if your DH is juggling care for elderly parents and a job, then you step up with taking care of home and children. If you are unable to do so, you outsource. If you are unable to outsource, you simplify. You are the spouse, you do what is needful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

Disagree.

If you were raised by loving parents, then you care for them as they age.

It’s no wonder Americans are in such dire straits. Far too many don’t have empathy.

I was raised by loving parents. My siblings and I are stepping up to help them as they age. We are modeling this sort of loving behavior for our children. This is what normal families do.

If the spouse wants to help her husband, then *help him* by taking things off his plate. Suggesting therapy to a busy guy isn’t helpful imho.

There’s empathy and then there’s a stranglehold that can last many decades. My friend’s mom took care of her for 18 years, but my friend cared for her mom for 35. For 6 of those 18 years, my friend was probably a totally dependent baby/toddler or a moody teen. But her mom was like a mish-mash of those for 30 of the 35 years. It damaged her marriage and career. It interferes with her own parenting. Her mom refused to go into a nursing home and had nothing saved for long term care at home. It was such a relief to everyone who loved my friend when her mom finally passed away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

Disagree.

If you were raised by loving parents, then you care for them as they age.

It’s no wonder Americans are in such dire straits. Far too many don’t have empathy.

I was raised by loving parents. My siblings and I are stepping up to help them as they age. We are modeling this sort of loving behavior for our children. This is what normal families do.

If the spouse wants to help her husband, then *help him* by taking things off his plate. Suggesting therapy to a busy guy isn’t helpful imho.

if you have multiple siblings and are sharing the load, that is very different from what a lot of us are facing. Also you have to ask yourself what your parent would want. For example, I used to visit my mom on Friday afternoons but now my kid wants to do an activity that makes those Friday visits impossible. But I know that if my mom were healthy, she would want me to prioritize my kids (her grandkids!) over her, so I do.

But, there is nothing stopping you from visiting her on another afternoon or evening? right? Where there is a will there is a way.

OP, if your DH is juggling care for elderly parents and a job, then you step up with taking care of home and children. If you are unable to do so, you outsource. If you are unable to outsource, you simplify. You are the spouse, you do what is needful.

I work 60 hours a week and have three kids in a million activities. Fri afternoons were my only reliable down time. I'll still visit my mom, but I'll visit her less so that my son can participate in an activity he loves. That is absolutely what my mom would want me to do. I have no doubts about that. You suggest simplifying in your post -- sometimes the simplifying that needs to happen is doing less (and outsourcing more) for the elderly parent so that you can spend more time with your own kids, keep your marriage healthy and invest in your own career.

[Anonymous]

Take a look at the Midlife Concerns Forum of DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

Disagree.

If you were raised by loving parents, then you care for them as they age.

It’s no wonder Americans are in such dire straits. Far too many don’t have empathy.

I was raised by loving parents. My siblings and I are stepping up to help them as they age. We are modeling this sort of loving behavior for our children. This is what normal families do.

If the spouse wants to help her husband, then *help him* by taking things off his plate. Suggesting therapy to a busy guy isn’t helpful imho.

if you have multiple siblings and are sharing the load, that is very different from what a lot of us are facing. Also you have to ask yourself what your parent would want. For example, I used to visit my mom on Friday afternoons but now my kid wants to do an activity that makes those Friday visits impossible. But I know that if my mom were healthy, she would want me to prioritize my kids (her grandkids!) over her, so I do.

But, there is nothing stopping you from visiting her on another afternoon or evening? right? Where there is a will there is a way.

OP, if your DH is juggling care for elderly parents and a job, then you step up with taking care of home and children. If you are unable to do so, you outsource. If you are unable to outsource, you simplify. You are the spouse, you do what is needful.

I work 60 hours a week and have three kids in a million activities. Fri afternoons were my only reliable down time. I'll still visit my mom, but I'll visit her less so that my son can participate in an activity he loves. That is absolutely what my mom would want me to do. I have no doubts about that. You suggest simplifying in your post -- sometimes the simplifying that needs to happen is doing less (and outsourcing more) for the elderly parent so that you can spend more time with your own kids, keep your marriage healthy and invest in your own career.

This so this. I think it's the same poster who keeps coming on trying to make the parents the number one priority rather than the family you created. You outsource for the parents and visit when you can. You don't outsource raising children so you can cater to elderly parents. Nothing wrong with seeing the elderly parents less as long as you have quality visits. It's a lot easier to have quality visits when you aren't burned out, exhausted, and resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is proactively make life easier/less stressful for your husband. Step up and help. Take things off his plate. Don’t ask him to do anything. Let him focus on his parents, and try to help. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.

He probably would feel like he doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a therapist and actually sit down to talk.

Noooo. I have lived this and gotten plenty of advice from aging care professionals and therapists over the years. The worst thing he can do is make his parents, who have lead complete lives, the number one priority. Your marriage and children and his health come first otherwise it all falls apart. It is all about boundaries and not engaging in any dysfunctional games like guilt trips,etc. Some challenging elderly will eat their young. He cannot set himself on fire to keep them warm. He has to find balance and your lives cannot revolve around their needs.

Disagree.

If you were raised by loving parents, then you care for them as they age.

It’s no wonder Americans are in such dire straits. Far too many don’t have empathy.

I was raised by loving parents. My siblings and I are stepping up to help them as they age. We are modeling this sort of loving behavior for our children. This is what normal families do.

If the spouse wants to help her husband, then *help him* by taking things off his plate. Suggesting therapy to a busy guy isn’t helpful imho.

Where are you from and what would you recommend that is working so well in your country?