I make friends easily, but it feels like once they get to know me, they don't want to be friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are most of your friendships "situational"? I've had a very good friend that I've spent time with at least once a week - kids the same age, using the same playground, houses are nearby, so just wave and pop in with a cup of coffee when you see the other in the backyard. I really liked her and her husband and we've spent tons of time together as families, mostly spontaneous, though. But then I moved - same metro area but far enough that any outing now must be carefully coordinated and planned in advance. And that friendship fizzled because neither of us had a bandwidth for another friend that you have to dedicate half of your weekend to see. No one's fault, it just wasn't in the cards. Maybe at least some of your friendships are like that, they stay alive only as long as there is something else connecting you besides being two people who like each other.

+1 NP and this was my thought as I read OP’s post as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you initiate equally?

[Anonymous]

Be careful what you wish for, OP. For a long time I wanted to be part of a group of close girlfriends. So many women seem to travel through life in these packs from which they seem to get a lot of strength and support.

During Covid, I finally found such a pack. In the beginning, I felt I belonged in a way I had never felt before. I felt understood. We all had similar interests and viewpoints. We shared information that was really helpful about schools, the pandemic, home finance, you name it. The support felt invaluable. I loved telling others about my "mom group" and felt real pride in finally having found my tribe after so many years being on the outside of such friendships.

It was great until it wasn't.

In hindsight, the whole experience was exhausting. Frankly, in some ways it seems now to have been very transactional. There was a definite hierarchy among the group, a lot of walking on eggshells so as not to offend the Queen Bee, and it was like there was some invisible accounting book that everyone was tied to where we all had to perform a certain amount of caretaking of others in the group. When demands in my family life became too intense for me to be able to keep up with all that caretaking of friends, I was quickly dumped - and I do mean quickly. I was out in less than two weeks. I went from being BFF to being persona non grata nearly overnight.

Six months later I'm still processing what went down, but I think my biggest take-away has been that I just don't have the bandwidth or interest in being the kind of person I would have to be to have a group of gal pals. I am extremely close to my sister and my BFF of 20 years and I am part of a large extended family through my husband. There's enough on my plate with the care and feeding of these folks.

My advice, based on this very recent experience, is to invest in the relationships you have now and add others only after an extremely long trial period. Most people will never meet the mark and that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Aw, so sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

Perhaps you can ask a close friend if you have one (ironic?!) or even a close relative to maybe offer some suggestions for you.

Sometimes someone close by to the situation can have a better idea of why something continues since they are close by & have a neutral perspective.

Hopefully you have someone in your life who can help you figure this out.

Wishing you all the best!

[Anonymous]

You need therapy. I have close female friends some I've known since childhood and others I have met and kept along the way.

What has been key is the following:

mutual loyalty and respect
non competitiveness
genuine interest in each other's well being
common interests
neither party is needy

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies. I've read every response and there is some really helpful advice here.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP! I bet the situational factor is bigger than you realize. I have genuinely liked and connected with people i’ve met at work, in the neighborhood, etc … but when i changed jobs or moved, these relationships went on the back burner. That’s not a “loss” but a normal thing btw, and I have had former coworkers/former neighbors/former hobby partners and the like try to keep the same level of closeness as before, and it just doesn’t work.

Consider that not all friendships are meant to get closer and closer with time. I had a friend at a former job who seemed to believe we should always be in daily contact because that’s how things were “once,” or “before.” That became annoying tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy. I have close female friends some I've known since childhood and others I have met and kept along the way.

What has been key is the following:

mutual loyalty and respect
non competitiveness
genuine interest in each other's well being
common interests
neither party is needy

The neither party is needy thing is key.

[Anonymous]

You have no chill, OP. Learn to love yourself, learn to be happy and content alone, without the need for anyone else to validate you. You crave something that you have to give to yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are most of your friendships "situational"? I've had a very good friend that I've spent time with at least once a week - kids the same age, using the same playground, houses are nearby, so just wave and pop in with a cup of coffee when you see the other in the backyard. I really liked her and her husband and we've spent tons of time together as families, mostly spontaneous, though. But then I moved - same metro area but far enough that any outing now must be carefully coordinated and planned in advance. And that friendship fizzled because neither of us had a bandwidth for another friend that you have to dedicate half of your weekend to see. No one's fault, it just wasn't in the cards. Maybe at least some of your friendships are like that, they stay alive only as long as there is something else connecting you besides being two people who like each other.

+1 OP, it’s possible i’m totally happy to get into a deep talk with you at the dog park we both take our dogs to … this does not mean i’d want to drive 45 to see you when you’ve moved for a formal coffee “date.”

[Anonymous]

Can you tell us more about what you are like as a person, and how did friendships slowly fade? Usually there is a trigger you just can’t see it.
I also agree about asking your former friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy. I have close female friends some I've known since childhood and others I have met and kept along the way.

What has been key is the following:

mutual loyalty and respect
non competitiveness
genuine interest in each other's well being
common interests
neither party is needy

The neither party is needy thing is key.

It is definitely. I wrote that list. I have a young family and some medical issues. I cannot become 2nd mom to a new friend who suddenly needs to run everything past me and get my approval. I am sure some people would love to be able to do that, fulfill that empty space in someone's life I just don't have the energy, mental or physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy. I have close female friends some I've known since childhood and others I have met and kept along the way.

What has been key is the following:

mutual loyalty and respect
non competitiveness
genuine interest in each other's well being
common interests
neither party is needy

The neither party is needy thing is key.

It is definitely. I wrote that list. I have a young family and some medical issues. I cannot become 2nd mom to a new friend who suddenly needs to run everything past me and get my approval. I am sure some people would love to be able to do that, fulfill that empty space in someone's life I just don't have the energy, mental or physical.

Great list. And being non-competitive is important too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no chill, OP. Learn to love yourself, learn to be happy and content alone, without the need for anyone else to validate you. You crave something that you have to give to yourself first.

This is completely unrealistic advice. Most people are never alone, don't need to learn to be happy and content alone, without the need for anyone else to validate them. And yet most people have friends and families. You could spend your entire life trying to "learn to be happy and content alone" but what would be the point?

People aren't meant to be happy and content alone. That is a ridiculous goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are most of your friendships "situational"? I've had a very good friend that I've spent time with at least once a week - kids the same age, using the same playground, houses are nearby, so just wave and pop in with a cup of coffee when you see the other in the backyard. I really liked her and her husband and we've spent tons of time together as families, mostly spontaneous, though. But then I moved - same metro area but far enough that any outing now must be carefully coordinated and planned in advance. And that friendship fizzled because neither of us had a bandwidth for another friend that you have to dedicate half of your weekend to see. No one's fault, it just wasn't in the cards. Maybe at least some of your friendships are like that, they stay alive only as long as there is something else connecting you besides being two people who like each other.

I think this is the way friendships work in the burbs. A lot of your friends are made via connections one way or another through your kids and as the kids get older that changes. With one of my "friends" that I'd known for many years, once our kids weren't front and center we had nothing to talk about. I can usually have a good time with anyone and find subjects to converse about but saw this happen with a couple of people.