In-laws travel for medical care. How long is this doable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - It might serve you both, if DH went out alone to spend some time with his folks, but gave them a heads up that he was coming to go over a few important things with them. Perhaps you could do some research on CCRCs in Tucson ahead of time with prices that DH might at least take them out to lunch in Tucson and then at least drive them by or if open to looking at them show them one or two. There are four aspects to their future care planning:

1- What do they see happening when FIL can’t drive and where do they want to be as more Care is needed?

2- What can they afford from LTC insurance, selfFunded or current income?

3- What could DH do to help them in direct care, any idea of moving them closer in a facility or your home And/or afford to pay for in services?

You and DH need to discuss #3 and be on the same page AND you need to clearly state whether how much you could take on? Do this hard discussion before a time bomb goes off as at least you will know the outlines of the crisis coming in either their unrealistic ideas of aging, expectations of your family involvement and/or having funds to deal with a crisis ir not.

OP here. This is really good advice - thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents live in a rural town. We hire medical transport to take them to doctors appointments, but it several hundred dollars but they can afford it. The real issue is a different emergency happens and they call the ambulance, they get taken to the crappy local hospital half an hour way instead of the better hospital an hour way.

They are probably correct about the local doctors sucking. So I wouldn’t argue with them on that. If they don’t have any friends, how attached are they to their current house? Could you get them to move to a retirement community that is closer to good medical care?

OP here. I would love for them to move to Tuscon - at least there they’d be close to their preferred medical care. The issue is I don’t think they can afford to move. We really don’t know what their financial situation is outside a few comments they’ve made. MIL previously mentioned she looked at assisted living in our Midwest city but it was around $6k/month, which she indicated they couldn’t afford. I thought $6k was rather reasonable. Regardless, FIL has made it clear he doesn’t want to leave AZ so he would have to pass first before she would consider moving closer to us.

This hits way too close to home. You have my sympathies OP. So frustrating to be in the dark about finances and just have a vaguely ominous feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents live in a rural town. We hire medical transport to take them to doctors appointments, but it several hundred dollars but they can afford it. The real issue is a different emergency happens and they call the ambulance, they get taken to the crappy local hospital half an hour way instead of the better hospital an hour way.

They are probably correct about the local doctors sucking. So I wouldn’t argue with them on that. If they don’t have any friends, how attached are they to their current house? Could you get them to move to a retirement community that is closer to good medical care?

OP here. I would love for them to move to Tuscon - at least there they’d be close to their preferred medical care. The issue is I don’t think they can afford to move. We really don’t know what their financial situation is outside a few comments they’ve made. MIL previously mentioned she looked at assisted living in our Midwest city but it was around $6k/month, which she indicated they couldn’t afford. I thought $6k was rather reasonable. Regardless, FIL has made it clear he doesn’t want to leave AZ so he would have to pass first before she would consider moving closer to us.

This hits way too close to home. You have my sympathies OP. So frustrating to be in the dark about finances and just have a vaguely ominous feeling.

OP here. Thank you. I think the lack of knowledge about their financials is stressing me out because without that info I don’t know what we should expect as far as their care. I’m going to try to push DH to have that talk with them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really recommend pushing your husband to do more on this. It is so easy to just throw up your hands and say, "It's their life" but the truth is, when the shit hits the fan and the crisis happens (as you know it will), it WILL be your problem then, unless you and your husband can truly stay detached, which most people can't. I've seen it happen so many times.

There are four siblings in my family and we had to push and push our parents to make some decisions ahead of he crisis and I am so thankful we did. Yes it took a few years, but when the medical crisis came thank heavens they were out of the old house and in a place where caring for them was much easier.

One reason your in laws probably aren't willing to think about things ahead of time is that they know the financial situation is bad. So they do not want to think about it

[Anonymous]

My ILs (ages 77) are nearby but fairly recently explained to us that in lieu of long term care insurance they have set aside a “large amount” of money to use towards shared long term care and any foreseeable health care needs.

This conversation came up during the holidays when FIL asked if DS needed a loan, or was otherwise cash-strapped (we have a DC in college and recently finished a home renovation) because this lump sum was to go into a bank account.

We declined. I’m unsure of the exact amount but I think it’s about $400k.

Do your ILs have anything similar set aside?

[Anonymous]

PP - a close friend just moved her local father into “independent living” and was shocked to learned that it’s $10k a month. I understand that’s a bargain for northern Virginia.

My late parent’s facility is now about $13k month - even more for skilled nursing care.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. I understand. My mom doesn’t live in a rural area and does have some money, but not enough to buy a house where I live. We live 2 flights away. She can’t get herself to appointments easily and is exhausted by her house She refuses to move to an apartment near us or her or consider longer-term plans. I finally gave up trying to help her make plans and asked what she would do if she fell or got sick. Her plan: “the social worker will call you from the emergency room and then you’ll fly out.” That’s her plan. Crisis and then I somehow fix it.

I have little kids and DH regularly flies to an international city to help his parents. I try not to think about how complicated this could get.