Is it normal to not want to discuss a parent's end of life care as they age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom started talking to us about end of life issues when she hit 70. She didn't die until she was 90 but we were all pretty comfortable talking about all the issues involved long before then.

I'm approaching 70 myself and I'm doing pretty good but I have had those discussions with my adult kids too. I don't know why your H's family finds it awkward but lots of people do. Not much you can do about it.

OP. My MIL is a devout Catholic. The home health aide takes her to church every Sunday (if MIL is feeling well enough), or they pray together at her house. Religion has played a huge part in MIL's life.
I'm a Catholic too but I don't practice. Neither does my husband but my SILs do.
I wonder if it's to do with their strong religious connection.

Probably not, since no religious texts specify one way or the other (people died earlier when they were written!). It's just that there isn't much to talk about, OP. The end usually comes with falls, strokes, heart attacks, heart failures, infection, or aspiration/pneumonia in the end stage of dementia (happened to both my paternal grandparents). These outcomes aren't necessarily better in institutions, and sometimes they're a lot worse. It depends on how well the patient is cared for at home. If your MIL wants to age at home, and the family has the means to keep paying for 24/7 care and oversee the aides, then it's better she remain at home. Her care will be a lot more personalized and she will be in the psychological and material comfort of her own home. Nursing homes are for people who don't have that.

Not OP, but there is plenty to talk about and it's selfish not to talk about it while you are still of sound mind. Family needs to know their wishes and be able to say what their boundaries are. In many cases aging in place becomes unsustainable or incredible lonely and isolating. Some things are sustainable when a person remains in decent shape until death. I notice din my family, those who were actually involved in caring for a family member who declined substantially made reasonable plans for their own lives and didn't want to be a massive burden on family. It's the selfish ones who just checked in now and then and didn't have to see the dark side of aging who don't really plan or discuss.

Right, but the discussion is subjective, since what someone finds "plenty to talk about" may just be the essential facts to someone else. What matters is that everyone understands whether it's home at all costs, or home then nursing home, or nursing home now. Money, ability to find aides and children's capacity to oversee regularly are primary factors in that discussion. All solutions cost money except the Medicaid facility. These are all the factors, really.

For my grandparents and my in-laws, there was no long-drawn out debate. My paternal grandparents with dementia had no choice but to go into nursing homes, because their kids could not care for them. My maternal grandmother was in relatively good health and was fine in her apartment with only one daily helper until her last, short illness - she died in hospital. My MIL is getting the royal treatment with a large number of kids and aides helping her round the clock at her home, and will not go to a nursing home.

There is no need to stress unduly, OP. What happens happens.