Mother daughter situation

[Anonymous]

I am sure some people will think the daughter should do what the mother wants on her birthday, she wants a card so just send one.

The mother knows that the daughter simply enjoys a phone call on birthdays and yet does what she likes herself, which is to send a card. She knows her daughter doesn't value cards. It's actually the same behaviour.

I find it interesting that the mother is equating caring and love with a card. She sees that this is what she does to send cards and presents so it's the only way love is shown. She doesn't see her daughter. She doesn't see the other ways her daughter shows she cares which is a phone call on her birthday.

[Anonymous]

Didn't Carolyn Hax answer a question like this lately?

I'm Team Daughter but I don't this is really about considering whether she is too busy/preoccupied to send a card. I can't articulate it but there is something really off about a mother looking for this type of emotional validation from her daughter. Yes, everyone is an adult, but it feels really off. And like many, when someone places an emotional burden on us, we push it off.

[Anonymous]

My mom has become like this with age. I had a meaningful friendship with her and anything I did was fine and she appreciated it because the connection was what mattered. Now she is petty, manipulative and sentimental about the wrong things. She was pretty much estranged from my brother, but he came back into her life a few years ago. They are not that close, but he does the bS stuff-the card that makes it seem like they were always close or even flowers, something she thought was a waste of money before. She gushes about him and these days everything is about how wonderful he is and how I disappoint her. I keep my distance. She passes a dementia screen so i guess this is just how her brain ages. Nothing I do is right even when i do produce a card or gift.

[Anonymous]

The gift/card should be about what the recipient wants to receive not what the giver wants to give. So the daughter should know that her mom wants a card w kind words written in it and the mom should realize her daughter is happy w just a phone call on her bday. They’re both in the wrong.

My mom doesn’t care about cards or gifts but she wants to spend time together so that’s what we do for her bday or holidays. I’m fine w receiving just a text or phone call so that’s what she does for me (sometimes she sends a gift also which of course I appreciate but I don’t expect it and don’t think anything of it if she doesn’t.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The gift/card should be about what the recipient wants to receive not what the giver wants to give. So the daughter should know that her mom wants a card w kind words written in it and the mom should realize her daughter is happy w just a phone call on her bday. They’re both in the wrong.

My mom doesn’t care about cards or gifts but she wants to spend time together so that’s what we do for her bday or holidays. I’m fine w receiving just a text or phone call so that’s what she does for me (sometimes she sends a gift also which of course I appreciate but I don’t expect it and don’t think anything of it if she doesn’t.)

I know a family that does all sorts of impressive things for birthdays, but there is no love there. People are forgetting what "gifts' truly are. it is a gift to have a real genuine relationship with someone. The rest is gravy. My guess is this mother would flip if it were a card, but did not say the right things. At some point you have to let go and figure out. Makes me think of Tiger Mom who insisted her kids make her cards and she had to approve the cards.

I suggest the daughter stay far away from mom and just shower her with gifts and cards on special occasions. Mom gets what she wants and the daughter does not have to deal with BS.

[Anonymous]

Because the daughter "she usually telephones on the day"

And a telephone call takes tons more effort then buying a card at CVS or the grocery store, signing name and dropping in the mailbox. It's also much less personal.

A card is nice but I would much prefer that my kids want to call and chat with me on the day off. If I got a card or some other gift, that would be a bonus. But the real gift is the time and connection. I bet the DD feels the same as me and feels like she has been slighted. Maybe the mom needs to stop being hurt unless she enjoys being hurt because there is nothing to be hurt about.