Weekend Time - is it Family Time?

[Anonymous]

I sort of have an all or nothing attitude - I do feel time with other people can take away from family time. Not the OP, but I get what the OP is saying. Our in-town family doesn't have other kids, so when we hang out with relatives, they basically want us to keep our son indoors, and "watch" him. It's like he's an object. And they want us to not interact with him (because it's "their" time with him). So that type of time takes away from time with my son. Plus, it's hard on him. A room full of adults all staring at him.

With friends, it can be fun if it is family with other kids, but we believe in lots of "down" time. Time around the house, at the playground, just bonding with our son. Our friends without kids sort of "take over" my son when they are there. Some days I LOVE this aspect. But there are weekends where I feel like I get robbed of time with my son.

[Anonymous]

Yes. But this comes easily for me and DH because pre-child our social circle was nearly one big one anyway.

Sometimes it's just family. Sometimes we BBQ with other families.

[Anonymous]

I think that you can hang out with people over the weekend AND have family time, and this is people who work and people who SAH.

BUT, I will say that I know some families who work NONSTOP (like EACH parent, from 7 AM- 9 PM) and really do not know what the hell to do with their kids come the weekend. They are calling for playdates frantically and welcome EVERY Monday with an urgency that I find a little alarming. They kind of want to "fill time" rather than "hang with the kids." It is kind of sad. Dogs would have been a better choice for them.

[Anonymous]

We make most weekends family time, though sometimes our family plans involve other friends and relatives. We see one family of friends about every month for breakfast, sometimes at our house, sometimes at theirs - it's nice to be able to socialize with friends like this who have a similar schedule and don't think getting together at 9 am on a Saturday morning is crazy.

For us, family time means relaxing time - we try not to have it be all chores and errands so we can enjoy being together. We both work, but I work from home one day a week and take care of grocery shopping and the bulk of the laundry that day, and we just recently hired a cleaning lady. Sometimes we go out to lunch as a family, sometimes we've got an activity in mind, but sometimes we just go for a walk or play around the house, and that's fun too.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the great feedback! What if it is a family where the mom checks out (literally never shows up) and the dad and kids are kind of a lot of work? There are things going on in the background that they won't address, and it takes a lot from our family time. Nice people, but a LOT of work. Make sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Thanks for all the great feedback! What if it is a family where the mom checks out (literally never shows up) and the dad and kids are kind of a lot of work? There are things going on in the background that they won't address, and it takes a lot from our family time. Nice people, but a LOT of work. Make sense?

Uh, no. I read this three times and it does not make sense. Why is another family impacting your family time? Seems like you need to set some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

We eat together every night we possibly can, and we keep our weekends fairly quiet. We do some things, but nothing much besides sports practices and hanging out with friends and neighbors. The house is usually in disarray. We both work.

[Anonymous]

OP: I didn't get it either since fmaily time includes just us and other people. We lead a family and kids group once a month, so we get togehter with those folks and consider that family time also.

But now that you explained, I think you have a problem. Why is mom absent? It seems she wants a break from her kids and husband. He's over at your house because he doesn't know what else to do. IMO, it is time to end this. Just start telling them that you have other plans - and go out for a few weekends in a row. so they can't find you at home. If they see you are there on a different day, just tell them it's not convenient since we want to have time together without anyone else. We'll call or you can call, but we feel as if we are spending a lot of time with you and want to spend time also with other friends.

This will end the friendship, but I would be inclined at this point to do so. You could try for the more sensitive conversation, of course, but it seems these folks are not sensitive and don't realize how intrusive they are. Be sure DH feels as you do since he might want to spend time with this other dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Thanks for all the great feedback! What if it is a family where the mom checks out (literally never shows up) and the dad and kids are kind of a lot of work? There are things going on in the background that they won't address, and it takes a lot from our family time. Nice people, but a LOT of work. Make sense?

This is incoherent.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It was incoherent, sorry. Tired mom here - aren't we all?

There is a family who calls us most weekends. The mom doesn't show up; instead takes time for herself (she has a nanny during the week); and I feel used. What could be a fun time turns into too much work. I think the mom is used to things being handed to her. She needs to participate. How?

[Anonymous]

If you want to be friends, then make a point of telling the mom that you miss her and want to have time her, too.

If you don't want to be friends, tell them you're busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. It was incoherent, sorry. Tired mom here - aren't we all?

There is a family who calls us most weekends. The mom doesn't show up; instead takes time for herself (she has a nanny during the week); and I feel used. What could be a fun time turns into too much work. I think the mom is used to things being handed to her. She needs to participate. How?

Okay, makes more sense. Yeah, that is strange. You don't make plans to have someone watch your kids on the weekend unless it is babysitting and you are paying them, but it shouldn't be under the guise of "getting together to hang out." I would just start phasing it out - say you have other plans, or just be honest and say you are trying to do more things as a family, with just the four of you together (or however many of you there are).

[Anonymous]

OP, you are effectively a babysitter for your "friend"

I would start saying no. Now. Firmly.

[Anonymous]

We have friends who don't seem to know what to do with their kids other than call us on Saturday morning at 7 a.m. for playdates. They don't seem to do a lot as a whole family, but rather trade the kids back and forth between them so one or the other has solo time.

Don't get me wrong, I could use some more solo time, but I think it's much more fun (and in most ways less tiring) to do things as a whole family. I'm happy to get together with another whole family, but I agree, for some families it's not super fun to split off on the weekends and do little sub-set playdates. I do think PP's point that it's good for the kids as they get older, though, is a good one. And ultimately, it's your own responsibility to set boundaries. Whether the other family is just being friendly or trying to take advantage of you, you need to say no if you don't want to do it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. 17:22 - that's her! As if to say - oh yeah, "I wake up early with my kids" (we get up at 5 am, just because our kids are early risers, but we don't actually call people when we wake up!!!)

I think she has some point to prove when she does something with her kids. Do we all get a medal for spending quality time with our kids?

But she doesn't seem to want to spend time with her family. And she seems to want them out of her house while she has her own luxury time. "*I* have to do this, *I* have to do that...me, me, me...) It is kind of offensive. Maybe it's a little hurtful, too. I would think someone would realize when they are using you for free childcare. In hindsight, it's pretty obvious.

She gets a lot of things handed to her, so I think that might be how she just sees people, as a service to her. She seems to always be looking for what people can do for her. She seems to always be asking for the freebee part of the deal (scholarship for private schools for her kids; says her husband is unemployed when it is convenient, but highly employed when convenient - he has a full time job that does pay extremely well, but I think it might be under the table in a profession that is very popular in the D.C. area and not usually paid under the table. She spends really, really, really, really frivolously on disposable goods). Not that its my business, I just don't want to be a cog in her wheel, so to speak. And if she hates her family that much, doesn't she need help? Am I being too harsh?