Donor Egg question

[Anonymous]

OP, it isn't feasible to expect this to remain a secret anymore. I was able to identify my husband's biological father using two second cousin matches on Ancestry.com, and publicly available records. It wasn't hard.

[Anonymous]

I did donor egg in 2001--and my donor requested anonymity when that seemed possible to give her. I now have three kids, ages 20, 17, 17. And I have told them all exactly how they were conceived since before they could understand any of it. Like I practiced telling them, so that it would become natural---which it did. HOWEVER, I also am very good with google searching, and I had enough clues from the donor's handwritten profile-AND THIS IS KEY--SHE WAS ACTIVE ON FACEBOOK. I found her (maybe ten years ago? i dont remember). I contacted her, via facebook message, just to confirm it was her, altho I knew I was right. She was not happy, and I never contacted her again (nor would I in the future)
BUT- at least one of my kids is very interested in eventually finding half-siblings (which I know there are at least two-donor's own children--and I suspect there may be two more because I know that donor donated to another couple right before me). I have asked my 17 year old child to wait until s/he is 18 to do 23andme or other dna test. The child has agreed but I know they will eventually do it and may find their half siblings. I have no problem with any of this.

Guess what tho--I suspect that my DH who comes from a secretive family was totally happy in 2001 that donor wanted to be anonymous. And will not be so happy to welcome half sibs into his kids' world some time in the future.......................dear OP, you should not do this if you cannot be honest with your feelings and honest with your future DE child. Just my humble opinion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord— people are nasty. The nasty comments are likely from people who haven’t had to go down this road.
Having a DE child comes with complicated issues. No one in our family knows. Unfortunately we can’t control when/if our child will try to find her donor. It’s an issue that will never go away, but we’ll support her no matter what. Doesn’t mean I won’t cry or be scared behind closed doors. I think it’s something you’ll have to accept if you go down this road. Take care. xxx

We also can't control if our child looks for siblings. As many have pointed out, it's easy nowadays. I personally am against sites like 23andme, but that's for another thread -- and for other reasons.
Take care OP!

[Anonymous]

[THANK YOU to Jeff and also whomever reported it for getting this thread cleaned up.]

OP, I really hope you're in a place where you can take the sympathetically offered advice on this thread as it's meant. I'm sorry it got derailed a bit there but (and I posted this sentiment before and it got wiped out, fairly enough, because I also had a snarky comment to a PP in that comment) honestly, those of us who have actually wrestled with these issues empathize with you even where we don't agree with your conclusions. A board like this should be a place you can talk about real concerns even where they don't meet with popular approval - probably *especially* where they don't meet with popular approval. Getting them out and talking them through with others is important, rather than letting them fester. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can't control what your child will decide to do. They'll be their own person, with the same rights to self-determination you have, not your possession. If you go the donor egg route, you really do need to pragmatically and fully accept that you can't control this aspect, especially in these days of widely available DNA testing and matching. I get that it's hard. We're in the same situation right now you are, with one child that's from our own egg/sperm and looking at a potential second that would come to us via donor egg. But you owe it to your future child to work through your own issues about the manner of their conception. It's not something to hide; that approach is going to make your innocent child feel their birth is somehow shameful and secret, which should be the last thing any of us want for our beloved children however they come to us. Any reputable fertility clinic can connect you with a good therapist to help you sort through these complicated emotions; please, for your own sake as well as that of any future child you may have, please talk to a professional about your concerns and fears.

I thought it was required

I'm the PP and you're right that it is, but (at least in my experience) the requirement can be met by a brief 30-minute Zoom call with a licensed psychologist/therapist. It'd be very easy to just keep quiet about the kinds of concerns and thought-patterns OP is having, if you wanted to because you feared you'd be prevented from moving forward in the process. OP, I really think you'd be best served by a series of deep and honest conversations/sessions with a specialist in this field about your feelings and anxieties, not a rote checkbox session. Or at the very, very least look into fertility boards like those at Inspire or Reddit where you can hear from more intended parents who have been wrestling with these kinds of questions.

It is not required. We have three donor egg kids and did not need to meet with a therapist or psychologist with any of them. We used a well known clinic in NYC.

Correction: It's required in a lot of places, just not where you were. I think it's crazy that you weren't required to do it. We had to in the DC area in order to use donor sperm. At first we were offended (gay couple) but we reassured at all people using donor material had to have the counseling. The psychiatrist asked us point blank about exactly the kinds of issues that OP brings up.

OP, you need to have a good think about proceeding. I feel your situation but you've got to process the scenario more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did donor egg in 2001--and my donor requested anonymity when that seemed possible to give her. I now have three kids, ages 20, 17, 17. And I have told them all exactly how they were conceived since before they could understand any of it. Like I practiced telling them, so that it would become natural---which it did. HOWEVER, I also am very good with google searching, and I had enough clues from the donor's handwritten profile-AND THIS IS KEY--SHE WAS ACTIVE ON FACEBOOK. I found her (maybe ten years ago? i dont remember). I contacted her, via facebook message, just to confirm it was her, altho I knew I was right. She was not happy, and I never contacted her again (nor would I in the future)
BUT- at least one of my kids is very interested in eventually finding half-siblings (which I know there are at least two-donor's own children--and I suspect there may be two more because I know that donor donated to another couple right before me). I have asked my 17 year old child to wait until s/he is 18 to do 23andme or other dna test. The child has agreed but I know they will eventually do it and may find their half siblings. I have no problem with any of this.

Guess what tho--I suspect that my DH who comes from a secretive family was totally happy in 2001 that donor wanted to be anonymous. And will not be so happy to welcome half sibs into his kids' world some time in the future.......................dear OP, you should not do this if you cannot be honest with your feelings and honest with your future DE child. Just my humble opinion

Wow, that's messed up.