Don’t fit in with in-law family

[Anonymous]

Visits were painful for awhile. Kids helped in the long run. Not when they were babies, because they were all confused about why the baby/toddler needed a nap or a bedtime, so that was irritating. But then my babies/toddlers grew into kids, and they are a terrific buffer. There's always something to do! I am actually nervous for when they are older and aren't as into playing game etc. I don't want to have to sit in the living room and listen to my MIL lecture me (her preferred communication pathway) about whatever she is on her high horse about.

But I do try to remember that they are who they are. We have certainly had plenty of bumps in the road because my MIL can be incredibly rude. But one thing I've learned after 15 years of this is to just kinda ride above it all. I let my DH handle all communication, I don't try to be "their daughter" and if I have an opinion, I tell my DH and it's his job to manage it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t fit in either. And no one speaks English either when I’m over- even though they are all fluent. So...I limit my visits and become one with my own thoughts. I find it super rude though

It IS super rude. My situation is/was similar (married 25+ years). I stopped going to larger family events. It got better after we had kids when the older generation realized that any knowledge my kids would have about their culture would come from me/my efforts. After twenty years and the deaths of several seniors, one of the extended family members apologized for how poorly I was treated.

[Anonymous]

You marry your spouse, not his family. I stayed with a boyfriend for four years too long because I adored his mother and sisters. They were truly like family and so good to me, but the guy himself was a jerk. My husband's family is ice cold but he as a man is right for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You marry your spouse, not his family. I stayed with a boyfriend for four years too long because I adored his mother and sisters. They were truly like family and so good to me, but the guy himself was a jerk. My husband's family is ice cold but he as a man is right for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t fit in either. And no one speaks English either when I’m over- even though they are all fluent. So...I limit my visits and become one with my own thoughts. I find it super rude though

It IS super rude. My situation is/was similar (married 25+ years). I stopped going to larger family events. It got better after we had kids when the older generation realized that any knowledge my kids would have about their culture would come from me/my efforts. After twenty years and the deaths of several seniors, one of the extended family members apologized for how poorly I was treated.

People don't talk about this because it is morbid, but the death of one of the more powerful elders in a family can totally transform how you are treated. My ILs were so challenging for so long, until my FIL died, and suddenly everything was easy. Visits were more pleasant and relaxed (both us visiting them and them visiting us), certain arguments/debates just evaporated, my DH became more relaxed in general, and my relationship with my MIL is a million times better (probably closer to what we both envisioned when I married in). The only hiccup is my BIL who still sometimes tries to carry on some of his dad's "traditions" (being inflexible, assuming the worst in everyone, demanding very burdensome shows of "respect", etc.) but he has so much less pull than my FIL did that it's not as big of a deal.

Sometimes it's not that you have a bad relationship with your ILs, it's that you have one IL who is making everyone (you, your spouse, and their family) miserable but no one feels like they can say anything to change anything. And then they pass and things can change a lot. I'd never speak ill of my FIL to my ILs or spouse (ever, you have to be really respectful of the complicated relationships people have with their families) and there is real grief for his passing. But also, it's freed people to do things in a way that makes sense for everyone, that is more accommodating not just of me but of everyone. It's night and day.

(No one has apologized to me but I'll take the improved conditions over an apology at this point)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t fit in either. And no one speaks English either when I’m over- even though they are all fluent. So...I limit my visits and become one with my own thoughts. I find it super rude though

It IS super rude. My situation is/was similar (married 25+ years). I stopped going to larger family events. It got better after we had kids when the older generation realized that any knowledge my kids would have about their culture would come from me/my efforts. After twenty years and the deaths of several seniors, one of the extended family members apologized for how poorly I was treated.

People don't talk about this because it is morbid, but the death of one of the more powerful elders in a family can totally transform how you are treated. My ILs were so challenging for so long, until my FIL died, and suddenly everything was easy. Visits were more pleasant and relaxed (both us visiting them and them visiting us), certain arguments/debates just evaporated, my DH became more relaxed in general, and my relationship with my MIL is a million times better (probably closer to what we both envisioned when I married in). The only hiccup is my BIL who still sometimes tries to carry on some of his dad's "traditions" (being inflexible, assuming the worst in everyone, demanding very burdensome shows of "respect", etc.) but he has so much less pull than my FIL did that it's not as big of a deal.

Sometimes it's not that you have a bad relationship with your ILs, it's that you have one IL who is making everyone (you, your spouse, and their family) miserable but no one feels like they can say anything to change anything. And then they pass and things can change a lot. I'd never speak ill of my FIL to my ILs or spouse (ever, you have to be really respectful of the complicated relationships people have with their families) and there is real grief for his passing. But also, it's freed people to do things in a way that makes sense for everyone, that is more accommodating not just of me but of everyone. It's night and day.

(No one has apologized to me but I'll take the improved conditions over an apology at this point)

I think there is a lot of wisdom in this comment. One difficult, personality disordered person can ruin a lot of an otherwise good vibe and it may often be only after they are gone that you realize how hard they made it.And how much easier things can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t fit in either. And no one speaks English either when I’m over- even though they are all fluent. So...I limit my visits and become one with my own thoughts. I find it super rude though

It IS super rude. My situation is/was similar (married 25+ years). I stopped going to larger family events. It got better after we had kids when the older generation realized that any knowledge my kids would have about their culture would come from me/my efforts. After twenty years and the deaths of several seniors, one of the extended family members apologized for how poorly I was treated.

People don't talk about this because it is morbid, but the death of one of the more powerful elders in a family can totally transform how you are treated. My ILs were so challenging for so long, until my FIL died, and suddenly everything was easy. Visits were more pleasant and relaxed (both us visiting them and them visiting us), certain arguments/debates just evaporated, my DH became more relaxed in general, and my relationship with my MIL is a million times better (probably closer to what we both envisioned when I married in). The only hiccup is my BIL who still sometimes tries to carry on some of his dad's "traditions" (being inflexible, assuming the worst in everyone, demanding very burdensome shows of "respect", etc.) but he has so much less pull than my FIL did that it's not as big of a deal.

Sometimes it's not that you have a bad relationship with your ILs, it's that you have one IL who is making everyone (you, your spouse, and their family) miserable but no one feels like they can say anything to change anything. And then they pass and things can change a lot. I'd never speak ill of my FIL to my ILs or spouse (ever, you have to be really respectful of the complicated relationships people have with their families) and there is real grief for his passing. But also, it's freed people to do things in a way that makes sense for everyone, that is more accommodating not just of me but of everyone. It's night and day.

(No one has apologized to me but I'll take the improved conditions over an apology at this point)

I think there is a lot of wisdom in this comment. One difficult, personality disordered person can ruin a lot of an otherwise good vibe and it may often be only after they are gone that you realize how hard they made it.And how much easier things can be.

9:45 here. I completely agree. I will also say that it wasn't until relatives had been dead for a few years that my DH had enough distance to recognize how messed up the family dynamic was. He, too, apologized for trying to get me to stop making waves and just go along with things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t fit in either. And no one speaks English either when I’m over- even though they are all fluent. So...I limit my visits and become one with my own thoughts. I find it super rude though

It IS super rude. My situation is/was similar (married 25+ years). I stopped going to larger family events. It got better after we had kids when the older generation realized that any knowledge my kids would have about their culture would come from me/my efforts. After twenty years and the deaths of several seniors, one of the extended family members apologized for how poorly I was treated.

People don't talk about this because it is morbid, but the death of one of the more powerful elders in a family can totally transform how you are treated. My ILs were so challenging for so long, until my FIL died, and suddenly everything was easy. Visits were more pleasant and relaxed (both us visiting them and them visiting us), certain arguments/debates just evaporated, my DH became more relaxed in general, and my relationship with my MIL is a million times better (probably closer to what we both envisioned when I married in). The only hiccup is my BIL who still sometimes tries to carry on some of his dad's "traditions" (being inflexible, assuming the worst in everyone, demanding very burdensome shows of "respect", etc.) but he has so much less pull than my FIL did that it's not as big of a deal.

Sometimes it's not that you have a bad relationship with your ILs, it's that you have one IL who is making everyone (you, your spouse, and their family) miserable but no one feels like they can say anything to change anything. And then they pass and things can change a lot. I'd never speak ill of my FIL to my ILs or spouse (ever, you have to be really respectful of the complicated relationships people have with their families) and there is real grief for his passing. But also, it's freed people to do things in a way that makes sense for everyone, that is more accommodating not just of me but of everyone. It's night and day.

(No one has apologized to me but I'll take the improved conditions over an apology at this point)

Are your in-laws from a non-US culture? I can't imagine born and raised Americans being this keen on 'respect'.

[Anonymous]

I don’t fit in with my in laws at all. When we see them I just sit there, nod, and smile while I am mentally checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t fit in either. And no one speaks English either when I’m over- even though they are all fluent. So...I limit my visits and become one with my own thoughts. I find it super rude though

It IS super rude. My situation is/was similar (married 25+ years). I stopped going to larger family events. It got better after we had kids when the older generation realized that any knowledge my kids would have about their culture would come from me/my efforts. After twenty years and the deaths of several seniors, one of the extended family members apologized for how poorly I was treated.

People don't talk about this because it is morbid, but the death of one of the more powerful elders in a family can totally transform how you are treated. My ILs were so challenging for so long, until my FIL died, and suddenly everything was easy. Visits were more pleasant and relaxed (both us visiting them and them visiting us), certain arguments/debates just evaporated, my DH became more relaxed in general, and my relationship with my MIL is a million times better (probably closer to what we both envisioned when I married in). The only hiccup is my BIL who still sometimes tries to carry on some of his dad's "traditions" (being inflexible, assuming the worst in everyone, demanding very burdensome shows of "respect", etc.) but he has so much less pull than my FIL did that it's not as big of a deal.

Sometimes it's not that you have a bad relationship with your ILs, it's that you have one IL who is making everyone (you, your spouse, and their family) miserable but no one feels like they can say anything to change anything. And then they pass and things can change a lot. I'd never speak ill of my FIL to my ILs or spouse (ever, you have to be really respectful of the complicated relationships people have with their families) and there is real grief for his passing. But also, it's freed people to do things in a way that makes sense for everyone, that is more accommodating not just of me but of everyone. It's night and day.

(No one has apologized to me but I'll take the improved conditions over an apology at this point)

I think there is a lot of wisdom in this comment. One difficult, personality disordered person can ruin a lot of an otherwise good vibe and it may often be only after they are gone that you realize how hard they made it.And how much easier things can be.

9:45 here. I completely agree. I will also say that it wasn't until relatives had been dead for a few years that my DH had enough distance to recognize how messed up the family dynamic was. He, too, apologized for trying to get me to stop making waves and just go along with things.

And now a new goal: not to the type of family member where things get EASIER and more fun after I'm dead. Damn.