Tell me stories about successful second marriages.

[Anonymous]

DH's parents married right after college, had a kid, and divorced 42 years ago. Both remarried and have been with their spouses for 35+ years.

[Anonymous]

If there are kids from the first marriage, it's incredibly hard to divorce and remarry and truly get everyone out unscathed. Not impossible (someone please tell us what the exception looks like) but incredibly hard. Even if the second marriage seems otherwise healthy and strong, your kids are dealing with the divorce, you will never truly be free of your ex (co-parenting), and it introduces complexities for the new spouse who is now a stepparent.

Again, not saying it's impossible, but no one thinks this is ideal. And sometimes it goes very, very wrong, especially for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is my second, H’s third. Our previous marriages were when we were young and didn’t really know what to look for in a marriage partner.

I think a big part of our success was we were older (I was mid 30s, he was early 40s) and already had kids, so there wasn’t the pressure of settling down and having kids before it’s too late. We actually did end up having a child together, but since neither of us felt we HAD to, we went into things with a clearer head.

What also helped:
- we have a ton in common and would have been friends anyway. Neither of us had much in common with our previous spouses.
- we’ve both done tons of therapy and have read books on relationships
- we both strongly believed that our kids should come first, so there was no conflict or resentment surrounding that. He and I have both dated people who were jealous of our kids, or who expected us to put them above our kids, and neither of us wanted to go through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is my second, H’s third. Our previous marriages were when we were young and didn’t really know what to look for in a marriage partner.

I think a big part of our success was we were older (I was mid 30s, he was early 40s) and already had kids, so there wasn’t the pressure of settling down and having kids before it’s too late. We actually did end up having a child together, but since neither of us felt we HAD to, we went into things with a clearer head.

What also helped:
- we have a ton in common and would have been friends anyway. Neither of us had much in common with our previous spouses.
- we’ve both done tons of therapy and have read books on relationships
- we both strongly believed that our kids should come first, so there was no conflict or resentment surrounding that. He and I have both dated people who were jealous of our kids, or who expected us to put them above our kids, and neither of us wanted to go through that.

How long has it been?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there are kids from the first marriage, it's incredibly hard to divorce and remarry and truly get everyone out unscathed. Not impossible (someone please tell us what the exception looks like) but incredibly hard. Even if the second marriage seems otherwise healthy and strong, your kids are dealing with the divorce, you will never truly be free of your ex (co-parenting), and it introduces complexities for the new spouse who is now a stepparent.

Again, not saying it's impossible, but no one thinks this is ideal. And sometimes it goes very, very wrong, especially for the kids.

It requires everyone to act like adults, which takes a lot of work when it isn't impossible. My ex and I get along well as co-parents, our kids are happy and well-adjusted (probably helps that we parted when the kids were young), and their stepfather is genuinely wonderful and committed to being the best bonus dad he can be. All parties concerned have to be willing to work towards the good of the kids. My sons have three adults who adore them and work together while respecting each other's boundaries. But it took a lot of work, and I think too many people think this is supposed to just magically happen.

[Anonymous]

I know two close friends who have successful second marriages. They both married young, had bad marriages, divorced, learned from it, and then remarried. They seem much more in love, happy and have mature, supportive marriages than the average marriage - not that they are perfect by any means, but they seem to put in a lot more effort to making it a good marriage and they also seem appreciative of what they have.

[Anonymous]

Statistically, 67% of second marriages end in divorce. Are those who didn't divorce happy? Likely some are, some are not. Most people carry the same baggage, mental health/addiction issues, etc. into the second marriage that they had in the first. If you don't own and fix your Sh$$, you are likely going to repeat the same mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would venture to guess that most of these successful second marriages didn't have prior contentious divorces (due to abuse or infidelity), too.

or came out of an adulterous affair.

Not always true. If looking for success stories, XH was abusive. I stayed while the kids were young (13 years). My self-esteemed dropped dramatically in that time. XH’s abuse escalated. I couldn’t see it - like a frog in boiling water. Met current DH while we were both married. I woke up and divorced XH. DH and I are happily married. We were both in terrible places in our life when we met. We’ve been able to heal and create a great life.

DH didn’t have kids, and I had two. He’s a really great bonus dad.

Im sure some will say this can’t possibly be true. All I can say is that I know what a terrible marriage look like, and my current marriage is light years different from that dysfunctional mess. And I acknowledge that I never would’ve considered an affair had I not been in a terrible headspace when we met.

[Anonymous]

Married at 26, divorced at 30. No kids, just a dog.

Married again at 32, have two kids, love our life. Been more than a decade and we're very happy. We are a much better match.

[Anonymous]

I think it's only truly "successful" if the children of the first marriage think it is. Or if there are no kids of first marriages at all.

[Anonymous]

Mine. We Brady Bunched and were really worried about that and our respective exes. But it's mostly worked out really well. My stepkids mom is invited to everything and sees them about once a month, which we wish were much more often. I think that is the biggest difficulty in our family. We have a happy, calm home.

[Anonymous]

You can't know until after if a marriage was "successful". The children don't fully understand what's going on and they may feel pressured to say they like everything, and you never know if one of the adults is cheating. It's impossible to truly say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would venture to guess that most of these successful second marriages didn't have prior contentious divorces (due to abuse or infidelity), too.

or came out of an adulterous affair.

Not always true. If looking for success stories, XH was abusive. I stayed while the kids were young (13 years). My self-esteemed dropped dramatically in that time. XH’s abuse escalated. I couldn’t see it - like a frog in boiling water. Met current DH while we were both married. I woke up and divorced XH. DH and I are happily married. We were both in terrible places in our life when we met. We’ve been able to heal and create a great life.

DH didn’t have kids, and I had two. He’s a really great bonus dad.

Im sure some will say this can’t possibly be true. All I can say is that I know what a terrible marriage look like, and my current marriage is light years different from that dysfunctional mess. And I acknowledge that I never would’ve considered an affair had I not been in a terrible headspace when we met.

I’m kind of in this situation. Did you go straight from XH to AP or did you take time to yourself in between or go slow?

[Anonymous]

For one OP don't assume because the twice married couple are happy because they are still together. I go to lunch each month with 5 ladies...all in second marriages.

I would say they stayed for many reasons, but not because it was "love". I would stay lifestyle, and being older didn't make divorce a 2nd time feasible.

Actually I've met very few great 2nd marriages. Or if the marriage is really good, the relationship with the kids is bad.

[Anonymous]

My XH remarried pretty quickly after our divorce and he seems happy. My son tells me second marriages are where you actually have to put in some effort.