Selfish MIL

[Anonymous]

If your MIL talked about your IVF journey, you would complain that she is nosy and that she is rubbing your infertility issues in your face.

Maybe she is heartbroken that her son has not yet become a father because he is married to you but does her best to hide her disappointment be adopting a hands-off attitude regarding this issue?

[Anonymous]

OP, I could see greatly offended posts on here about MILs prying about fertility if some MILs asked about their DILs IVF. She may not see the fact that you are overseas to do it as a big deal, just more a personal financial decision she shouldn’t intrude upon.

Have you tried to talk with her about your IVF experience? That may open the doors to help her feel more comfortable with broaching the subject at all.

I also don’t see anything wrong with her preemptively asking for help after her hip replacement. She will need help. We need to stop glorifying “doing it all on your own” and shaming people for needing and asking for help.

[Anonymous]

I think the responders have been rude and not understanding or helpful.
OP, I think your MIL is extremely selfish and uncaring and unfeeling. I support your feelings completely.
I am a MIL, and they should go out of their way to be supportive and helpful ALWAYS. It's a no=brainer.
I'm sorry she is so clueless.

[Anonymous]

Is IVF physically debilitating? I had no idea, I agree with others that I would not mention it, assuming it is private. I assume a hip replacement will be a struggle and would show concern and help with that because I am again assuming that it is a physical struggle that can require long term healing (I could be wrong about both but I bet most think these things). I do think she presumes too much to ask for your support while you are away. Maybe send her a fruit basket and refocus on your own journey if it makes you feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may be trying to avoid talking about IVF because she thinks it would make you feel pressure, spark false hope, etc. Maybe she is just waiting for the good news rather than commenting on an intensely personal process to get to that good news.

Yes and she may not understand what IVF entails. At all.

[Anonymous]

Agree that she likely doesn't know what IVF entails, or doesn't want to bring up an emotional topic.

But, she shouldn't be asking you to be there for her during the hip replacement. That's her son's responsibility and she needs to talk to him if she needs help. Let your H know he needs to reach out to his mom to coordinate her care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the responders have been rude and not understanding or helpful.
OP, I think your MIL is extremely selfish and uncaring and unfeeling. I support your feelings completely.
I am a MIL, and they should go out of their way to be supportive and helpful ALWAYS. It's a no=brainer.
I'm sorry she is so clueless.

Don’t agree that the responses here have been rude at all.

[Anonymous]

OP be glad she’s not asking about IVF. The absolute worst thing after your 3rd or 6th month of negative pregnancy tests is to have someone ask about it. The worst! When I was in the thick of my fertility journey I wished I had never shared with anyone that I was trying to get pregnant. I know people meant well, but it was horrible to have to talk about when I didn’t want to, and was extra hormonal too. I never did get pregnant but many years removed from the situation and now I just have to answer why I don’t have kids when I work with them, but if I could change one thing, I’d have been way more selective about who knew about my fertility journey when I was going through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP be glad she’s not asking about IVF. The absolute worst thing after your 3rd or 6th month of negative pregnancy tests is to have someone ask about it. The worst! When I was in the thick of my fertility journey I wished I had never shared with anyone that I was trying to get pregnant. I know people meant well, but it was horrible to have to talk about when I didn’t want to, and was extra hormonal too. I never did get pregnant but many years removed from the situation and now I just have to answer why I don’t have kids when I work with them, but if I could change one thing, I’d have been way more selective about who knew about my fertility journey when I was going through it.

+1. Do you really want her to follow up with you to ask if it worked that month? Or the "helpful" advice she might have asking if you have tried this or that. Or the best: "just relax and it will happen" blaming you for being too uptight as the reason. Be grateful she doesn't want to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Agree that she may not know what IVF entails. Maybe say I'm sorry, the IVF treatments are taking much more out of me than I realized they would. I'll have DH get with you to see what you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may be trying to avoid talking about IVF because she thinks it would make you feel pressure, spark false hope, etc. Maybe she is just waiting for the good news rather than commenting on an intensely personal process to get to that good news.

This. I would never bring this subject up in order to respect privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is the first problem here. Why has he not communicated to his mother that your IVF experiences have been a struggle for both of you and specifically, physically hard on you? Don't blame MIL for being clueless if she actually is clueless because she has not been adequately informed.

The second problem is your own attitude. Be honest, if your MIL asked you about your IVF journey, would you have called her questions intrusive and hurtful? Is it possible that your MIL is damned if she does, damned if she doesn't?

Lastly, starting out by calling any person extremely selfish because they have not been focused on you and your problems can also be considered ... selfish.

+1 Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is IVF physically debilitating? I had no idea, I agree with others that I would not mention it, assuming it is private. I assume a hip replacement will be a struggle and would show concern and help with that because I am again assuming that it is a physical struggle that can require long term healing (I could be wrong about both but I bet most think these things). I do think she presumes too much to ask for your support while you are away. Maybe send her a fruit basket and refocus on your own journey if it makes you feel better.

+1 Yeah, like many PPs, I've never heard that IVF is so physically debilitating. OTOH, a hip replacement is clearly challenging.