Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t want to reveal too much, but family knows because my brother and SIL don’t have a Xmas schedule agreement and instead hash it out each year. She won’t let my nephew be with us on Xmas Eve or morning - says he can do that next year. That happened two years ago too. She wants him the dates I’m visiting basically. So I asked if I could reach out to her. My brother / SIL said I could, but there’d be no hope. Anyway, I felt that their emails looked like demands and thought a kinder approach might make sense. I asked if there were any chance she could reconsider or, at the very least, let him come early enough Xmas day that our kids could wait to do stockings. (After dinner, as she proposed, is just too long for my kids who are still little.) I ended with “either way, I appreciate your consideration. As a reminder, I’ll only be home these dates, so if you would like to do tea let me know which date works.” I sent a draft to my new SIL since I felt they should know, and the shit hit the fan that I would be kind to former SIL when she’s being so challenging. I said to new SIL that I’m devastated that my nephew (now 10) won’t be with us for my 3rd visit in a row and if being kind increases room to negotiate then it’s worth it. (We can’t change because my sister’s huge extended family - her DH is one of many sibs - gets together in even years and has done that for about 20 years so it’s too hard to rearrange).
I think you just need to butt out of christmas. Too much drama, especially since they don't have holidays hashed out in their custody agreement. If you want to have a relationship with her, visit during non-holiday times when your brother doesn't have to be involved. My other piece of advice--don't communicate directly with your new SIL ever about your nephew. He is just a PIA to her. My brother is on SIL #3. I am nice to them all, but after he divorced #1 (who I like a lot!), I learned it is just best to be nice, but not get emotionally attached.
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