If your teen had a serious mental heath crisis how did it change your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with questioning everything you thought you knew….

I was a pretty relaxed parent—encouraged independence, wasn’t trying to socially engineer anything, etc. Now I’m pretty paranoid. For instance, it seems like plans have called through with friends a couple times. Are her friends ditching her? Will she be able to handle that? Or maybe they aren’t ditching her a d she’s being paranoid? Maybe they’re ditching her because she’s acting super weird because her meds aren’t right? Should I get her less involved in things? More involved i things? Is she hiding things from me? Normal teen things, or important things? Am I too involved in all this? Not involved enough? Should I. E checking her room? Checking her computer?
I’ve totally lost faith in myself as a parent.

boy this is completely true... mine is now at college and struggling and I change my mind about how to react about every second. First I'm pissed because she slept through her therapist appt, then I'm sad because she's obviously so depressed she can't even get out of bed and I'm harassing her about a late fee. I'm not near her, how can I help, do I help? So so hard.

[Anonymous]

Our family just did this last year. My DD was diagnosed with anorexia and it turned our entire family's life upside down. For about 6 months all of our energy went into refeeding our dd and taking her to 5 hours of therapy a day. We had to pull her out of school and try to make it all up virtually in the afternoon and evenings. Less of our energy went to our DS - he understood and was patient with us and his sister. It was hard - I think I cried privately every day. But there is nothing I would have done differently...she is recovered now....I still worry daily that she will relapse...but I knew the importance of early intervention for ED and was determined not to let this disease destroy my dd. For now it has not....but I do know the risk of relapse so I worry...all the time. We are now back to a more balanced lifestyle and give both children equal attention. But I wouldn't change anything we did.

[Anonymous]

I am traumatized and will never be the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am traumatized and will never be the same.

Same. I feel as though I had to trade my sanity for hers. Will never say that to her, and wouldn't change the trade in reality, but it took a heavy toll.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend going through this with her DD now. Is there anything I can do to support my friend? Is there anything that will lighten her load even a tiny bit or brighten her day somehow?

[Anonymous]

Someone to clean her house, bring her dinner, maybe some fresh flowers occasionally....you cannot do the heavy lifting, but you can brighten her day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend going through this with her DD now. Is there anything I can do to support my friend? Is there anything that will lighten her load even a tiny bit or brighten her day somehow?

I can say my mom would have said she would have really appreciated someone inviting her to do something “normal” and not bringing up or asking about the child for that one moment in time to give her a break from it all. But on the other hand, she really only confided in two people outside our family so I’m not sure anyone would have known to reach out to her.

I can only speak as the older sibling who watched the wreckage left behind when mental illness stole my younger sibling from us. To the parents dealing with it, my heart goes out to you, but if you have other children, and I know how hard it is to split your focus, try to make sure they aren’t lost while the family addresses the child with the most crucial issues. It has been and continues to be a nightmare for our family. The first incident occurred when my sibling was 13. The latest was just last year when my sibling was 35. I’ve lost count of the hospitalizations at this point, it’s at least 2 dozen, likely more because my mother alternates between trying to hide it from me to dumping every last worry on me. I felt like I lost my entire family in that first moment. It tore my parents apart, in the first few years they easily aged a decade+. Our home became one of violent incidents followed by disappearances followed by rehab, followed by having to locate my sibling in some god forsaken place, followed by police calls, rinse and repeat. My mother never stops worrying. To this day if my sibling does anything remotely suggestive of behaviors that lead to another break, she calls me constantly and rehashes incidents of the last 20+ years. Then there’s my dad, who has buried his head in the sand for the last 20 plus years and refuses to discuss it with my mom unless absolutely essential. And then there’s my sibling. You just don’t know what you’re going to get day to day or week to week. I think I’ve been walking around my sibling on eggshells for the last 23 years. Our family is just so fractured. And it’s really difficult as the child who appeared by all counts to be fine and on the traditional pathway through school and adulthood to always be shoved aside because your sibling had another incident. My parents also didn’t want people to know anything was wrong, so I was strictly forbidden from telling people I was struggling because I’d been left to my own devices with no one to talk to. I think family counseling for my parents and me would have really helped at the time, but that wasn’t happening. I have major anxiety because I am the executor for their estate and the named trustee for the trust set up my sibling so I will never escape being responsible. And in all of it, I fear that there’s something genetically that I could have passed to my own kids that would cause me to have to go through this again as a parent this time.

[Anonymous]

Sending love and hugs to everyone. We need to talk more about this stuff and support one another more than we do on this board. More compassion and less judgment. During our crisis I felt helpless exhausted worried anxious ashamed angry and at a complete loss during moments when my DC was spiraling. My health was impacted due to constant worry and stress. We hid pills. We locked doors and windows. I’d never wish it on anyone ever. 5 years later I still worry but DC has stronger coping skills as a young adult than she did at 13, she verbalizes more, advocates for herself when she needs drugs to help her, and I listen more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am traumatized and will never be the same.

Same. I feel as though I had to trade my sanity for hers. Will never say that to her, and wouldn't change the trade in reality, but it took a heavy toll.

How long was it really bad? What did you do that provided her with a road to recovery? How long has she been better?

Are you doing better?

Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with questioning everything you thought you knew….

I was a pretty relaxed parent—encouraged independence, wasn’t trying to socially engineer anything, etc. Now I’m pretty paranoid. For instance, it seems like plans have called through with friends a couple times. Are her friends ditching her? Will she be able to handle that? Or maybe they aren’t ditching her a d she’s being paranoid? Maybe they’re ditching her because she’s acting super weird because her meds aren’t right? Should I get her less involved in things? More involved i things? Is she hiding things from me? Normal teen things, or important things? Am I too involved in all this? Not involved enough? Should I. E checking her room? Checking her computer?
I’ve totally lost faith in myself as a parent.

boy this is completely true... mine is now at college and struggling and I change my mind about how to react about every second. First I'm pissed because she slept through her therapist appt, then I'm sad because she's obviously so depressed she can't even get out of bed and I'm harassing her about a late fee. I'm not near her, how can I help, do I help? So so hard.

As a parent of a high school senior, I think I will be in your shoes next year. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend going through this with her DD now. Is there anything I can do to support my friend? Is there anything that will lighten her load even a tiny bit or brighten her day somehow?

I can say my mom would have said she would have really appreciated someone inviting her to do something “normal” and not bringing up or asking about the child for that one moment in time to give her a break from it all. But on the other hand, she really only confided in two people outside our family so I’m not sure anyone would have known to reach out to her.

I can only speak as the older sibling who watched the wreckage left behind when mental illness stole my younger sibling from us. To the parents dealing with it, my heart goes out to you, but if you have other children, and I know how hard it is to split your focus, try to make sure they aren’t lost while the family addresses the child with the most crucial issues. It has been and continues to be a nightmare for our family. The first incident occurred when my sibling was 13. The latest was just last year when my sibling was 35. I’ve lost count of the hospitalizations at this point, it’s at least 2 dozen, likely more because my mother alternates between trying to hide it from me to dumping every last worry on me. I felt like I lost my entire family in that first moment. It tore my parents apart, in the first few years they easily aged a decade+. Our home became one of violent incidents followed by disappearances followed by rehab, followed by having to locate my sibling in some god forsaken place, followed by police calls, rinse and repeat. My mother never stops worrying. To this day if my sibling does anything remotely suggestive of behaviors that lead to another break, she calls me constantly and rehashes incidents of the last 20+ years. Then there’s my dad, who has buried his head in the sand for the last 20 plus years and refuses to discuss it with my mom unless absolutely essential. And then there’s my sibling. You just don’t know what you’re going to get day to day or week to week. I think I’ve been walking around my sibling on eggshells for the last 23 years. Our family is just so fractured. And it’s really difficult as the child who appeared by all counts to be fine and on the traditional pathway through school and adulthood to always be shoved aside because your sibling had another incident. My parents also didn’t want people to know anything was wrong, so I was strictly forbidden from telling people I was struggling because I’d been left to my own devices with no one to talk to. I think family counseling for my parents and me would have really helped at the time, but that wasn’t happening. I have major anxiety because I am the executor for their estate and the named trustee for the trust set up my sibling so I will never escape being responsible. And in all of it, I fear that there’s something genetically that I could have passed to my own kids that would cause me to have to go through this again as a parent this time.

I’m so sorry PP, this sounds just awful. I think the siblings often get neglected no matter how well intended parents are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My experience has been a little different than the above cases, but has also been incredibly difficult. My son had a slow descent into crisis starting when he was very young, and has always had major behavior problems at home. Because there were never any issues at school, I was told by everyone that the behavior issues at home were my fault.

We finally (just before the pandemic started) got a therapist who raised the possibility of ASD with us, so we started the process of finding an evaluator and then COVID started and we lost our therapist - because my son refused to engage in telemedicine- and we entered complete and total chaos soon after.

By June 2020 we had the first hospital stay which was awful (for suicidal ideation and unsafe behavior at home). A month later we’re into #2. By the end of hospital stay #2 we had medication that brought the kid back from crisis and he was starting to stabilize.

We got a diagnosis from comprehensive neuropsych testing in September, and the initial meds stopped working by October and we started descending into chaos again.

Hospital stay #3 was in January (I had a miscarriage during it, obviously not my sons fault just bad timing), then hospital stay #4 was in March.

By the time the fourth hospital stay ended we were FINALLY working with a family therapist who was able to really help us start trying to put the pieces back together.

Because of how late my child’s diagnoses came (ASD and Bipolar), I’m still dealing with major burnout - we had almost 12 years of major behavior issues before the diagnosis that I was blamed for - and I’m still struggling with the effects of the crisis. Life is getting better though. My son is stable. We now, for the first time in his life, have had 3+ months of more good days than bad.

Making the decision to put my son in the hospital (each stay was 2 weeks) was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And because it was during COVID visiting was limited, and I had to do the admissions all alone. My husband waited in the car outside, but he wasn’t able to be there (the 4th time I cried and the nurse was incredibly kind and let him come in with me because I was so frazzled and really needed his support).

The hospital was hard, but also was the best thing because it was so desperately needed, and it unlocked the care my son needs to do well and be successful at home and school.

I am so sorry you have gone through this - especially during Covid. When you think about it, only allowing one family member to do admissions when the live in the same house, is stupid and cruel beyond belief. Hospital staff making those decisions from families in crisis were control freaks without considering the impact on the family verses the logicalness of preventing the other household member in.

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to everyone on this thread. We had to hospitalize my child for 10 days in high school. It was a dark, dark time. Kid had many more difficult times during adolescence and young adulthood but seems to have come out of it fairly strong and stable - thanks to medication, therapy, and support groups. But threads like this always remind me that I can't become complacent and I should be grateful for all the good going on in the kid's life now. Hang in there, everyone! I'm hoping for the best for all of us and our children!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience has been a little different than the above cases, but has also been incredibly difficult. My son had a slow descent into crisis starting when he was very young, and has always had major behavior problems at home. Because there were never any issues at school, I was told by everyone that the behavior issues at home were my fault.

We finally (just before the pandemic started) got a therapist who raised the possibility of ASD with us, so we started the process of finding an evaluator and then COVID started and we lost our therapist - because my son refused to engage in telemedicine- and we entered complete and total chaos soon after.

By June 2020 we had the first hospital stay which was awful (for suicidal ideation and unsafe behavior at home). A month later we’re into #2. By the end of hospital stay #2 we had medication that brought the kid back from crisis and he was starting to stabilize.

We got a diagnosis from comprehensive neuropsych testing in September, and the initial meds stopped working by October and we started descending into chaos again.

Hospital stay #3 was in January (I had a miscarriage during it, obviously not my sons fault just bad timing), then hospital stay #4 was in March.

By the time the fourth hospital stay ended we were FINALLY working with a family therapist who was able to really help us start trying to put the pieces back together.

Because of how late my child’s diagnoses came (ASD and Bipolar), I’m still dealing with major burnout - we had almost 12 years of major behavior issues before the diagnosis that I was blamed for - and I’m still struggling with the effects of the crisis. Life is getting better though. My son is stable. We now, for the first time in his life, have had 3+ months of more good days than bad.

Making the decision to put my son in the hospital (each stay was 2 weeks) was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And because it was during COVID visiting was limited, and I had to do the admissions all alone. My husband waited in the car outside, but he wasn’t able to be there (the 4th time I cried and the nurse was incredibly kind and let him come in with me because I was so frazzled and really needed his support).

The hospital was hard, but also was the best thing because it was so desperately needed, and it unlocked the care my son needs to do well and be successful at home and school.

I am so sorry you have gone through this - especially during Covid. When you think about it, only allowing one family member to do admissions when the live in the same house, is stupid and cruel beyond belief. Hospital staff making those decisions from families in crisis were control freaks without considering the impact on the family verses the logicalness of preventing the other household member in.

Thank you. It's been really really hard. My son's father doesn't live with us (we've been separated since my son was a baby), but my husband was a huge support during all of this, and sat in the car for all of the admission just outside. Except the last one, they let him in for that because I just couldn't do it.

I do understand the need to limit the number of people inside, because of COVID, it just really sucked. Things are much better now, thankfully. I wish the hospital hadn't been the only way to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am traumatized and will never be the same.

Same. I feel as though I had to trade my sanity for hers. Will never say that to her, and wouldn't change the trade in reality, but it took a heavy toll.

How long was it really bad? What did you do that provided her with a road to recovery? How long has she been better?

Are you doing better?

Thanks

The worst part of the crisis lasted a full year. Still recovering, probably will always need mental health support. I can't even say I had it as bad as some of the other responders. . . we avoided hospitalization as DD was cooperative with the safety plan and responded to treatment well. I'm working my way back to a new normal. . .it's hard to let go of the feeling that another shoe might drop - there are so many points at which you think things might be getting "better" and they get way way worse, so I avoid that kind of thinking completely now.