Mom is jealous of MIL

[Anonymous]

OP you have to ignore it. Or you can address it as unacceptable behavior that you don't expect her to repeat.

We had problems like this with my MIL and my Dh addressed them early on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with these issues now, OP, with my local ILs and my mom.

ILs show up to every single game and expect to be catered to and entertained to the exclusion of all other parents. No kidding, we sit in a cluster away from everyone else. My mom never wanted to go to any DC sports until she learned that ILs go.

My mom meanwhile is never satisfied and wants to be included in everything. If I visit her solo, she is disappointed that DH can’t be there.

Last night was a great example; one sibling was stopping by to drop something off at her house (we are local but about 45 minutes away) and I get a text from her around 430 imploring me to bring my entire family over for a last minute dinner. I sent my regrets and now my mom is sulking.

I’m going gray rock with my mom; she uses details I provide to manipulate plans. And these can be very benign responses that she will seize upon. I’ll say I’m planning to go hiking (and can’t come by to see her) and she’ll grumble that there’s a trail near her house. Or, we’re away at a tourney and can’t see her and she’ll come back with a “you could swing by on your way home.”

Most recent: oldest DC left for college. She gave out $50 cash and said this was emergency money from her. If DC uses this, contact her and tell her what it was used for and she’ll replace. No. She has to control everything and everyone.

I’m not sure why you exclusively sit with your in-laws. If they come every time, just divide your time between other parents and your in-laws. You should be able to hang out with other parents. Why is it so hard to set some boundaries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with these issues now, OP, with my local ILs and my mom.

ILs show up to every single game and expect to be catered to and entertained to the exclusion of all other parents. No kidding, we sit in a cluster away from everyone else. My mom never wanted to go to any DC sports until she learned that ILs go.

My mom meanwhile is never satisfied and wants to be included in everything. If I visit her solo, she is disappointed that DH can’t be there.

Last night was a great example; one sibling was stopping by to drop something off at her house (we are local but about 45 minutes away) and I get a text from her around 430 imploring me to bring my entire family over for a last minute dinner. I sent my regrets and now my mom is sulking.

I’m going gray rock with my mom; she uses details I provide to manipulate plans. And these can be very benign responses that she will seize upon. I’ll say I’m planning to go hiking (and can’t come by to see her) and she’ll grumble that there’s a trail near her house. Or, we’re away at a tourney and can’t see her and she’ll come back with a “you could swing by on your way home.”

Most recent: oldest DC left for college. She gave out $50 cash and said this was emergency money from her. If DC uses this, contact her and tell her what it was used for and she’ll replace. No. She has to control everything and everyone.

I’m not sure why you exclusively sit with your in-laws. If they come every time, just divide your time between other parents and your in-laws. You should be able to hang out with other parents. Why is it so hard to set some boundaries?

+1. There is no “have to.” Wave hello and go back to your conversation.

[Anonymous]

My mother has always been highly illogical, unreasonable, terribly insecure and jealous, with no boundaries. Describing her daily remarks, which are preternaturally stupid, and petty reactions when she feels overlooked, would fill a book. Yet she loves us all dearly, and we love her.

Since I can't reason with her, I just ignore most of her complaints. I also left in my early 20s to another continent!!! Critically important. If I hadn't done that, I'd have gone insane.

Wishing you strength, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We’ve discussed this before. I am not going to limit IL’s time with DD. You are just as welcome as they are. I am done talking about this.”

Then BE DONE. If she wants to rant about it you change the subject, walk away, hang up the phone.

People here hang up on their parents as a regular thing??

[Anonymous]

Just address this head on. Say something like “Mom, I feel like you constantly try to rewrite history about time spent, or rather not spent” with your grandchildren. I suspect you don’t particularly like spending time with my kids. I could choose to be hurt by that, but I’ve made peace with it. But it’s highly frustrating that you suddenly make noise about the kids’ soccer games only after you know the ILs attended and joined us for lunch. I’m thrilled they have the genuine desire to be there for these events. As I’ve said for three soccer seasons now, you are welcome to come to any and all games. We’d live to see you there.”

[Anonymous]

My mom insists on coming to every game and gets mad if she isn't treated like the guest of honor. She was angry last week because she felt my husband's greeting to her was not enthusiastic enough, and because I had a 5 second exchange with an acquaintance and didn't introduce her. And she isn't an narcissist, and she's a wonderful grandma. I honestly think old people just sort of lose their minds and worry about being forgotten.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you already give her the kids' schedule. Tell her, Mom, you're invited to all of the games (concerts, programs). A lot of times, we go out to lunch or something afterward, so plan on that if you come.

If she doesn't come but brings spending times IL, you can honestly say, but, Mom, I invited you to the games and any lunches when I gave you the schedule. The invitation is always open. The next game is _____. Hope you'll be able to make it.

She can't complain that she's being excluded when you've specifically and expressly given her an invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“We’ve discussed this before. I am not going to limit IL’s time with DD. You are just as welcome as they are. I am done talking about this.”

Then BE DONE. If she wants to rant about it you change the subject, walk away, hang up the phone.

People here hang up on their parents as a regular thing??

OK, Ms. Literal. I'll walk you through it.

"Mom, I've told you; you are welcome, always, and I'm done talking about this. Do we need to say goodbye now, or do you have anything else to discuss?"
If she cuts it out and moves on, then great. If she doesn't. "OK, Mom, I'm not discussing this so I am going to say goodbye now."

Do you get it now?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have any great advice, but I wanted to share my sympathy with you. This could be my mother (and in law family) and I know how infuriating and sad it makes you feel. I'm a 46 year old woman raising my own kid yet I continually lie about plans we have with my inlaws to avoid the confrontation with my mother. Holidays are a nightmare. Yet I cannot bring myself to "gray rock" which I know is the right thing to do for my sanity (and my family's). But it's so much easier said than done. Sending you strength.

[Anonymous]

We do grey rock with my MIL to an extent. It's hard for my DH, because she is very good at asking pointed questions, so sometimes he has to be so vague it's obvious he's withholding or just answer. Things like: where we spent part our weekend, how we paid for our car, anytime we've seen my mother. She will latch onto certain details and throw it back at us weeks or months later.

It sucks. I don't have anyone that is this difficult to manage in my life, except for her. It makes everything stressful and annoying. I will STRIVE to not be like this. I realize it stems from deep rooted insecurity. But it is baffling to me to lack such self awareness that she doesn't see a single pattern in her behavior. She thinks she can throw temper tantrums at one gathering, be "good" the next time we see her, and then freak out again with no consequences.

She is so extremely volatile and impossible to predict. You may get cheery, happy grandma. Or you may get scowling, angry grandma. So the consequence is we don't see as much as she would like. And then she's angry about that and the cycle repeats itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any great advice, but I wanted to share my sympathy with you. This could be my mother (and in law family) and I know how infuriating and sad it makes you feel. I'm a 46 year old woman raising my own kid yet I continually lie about plans we have with my inlaws to avoid the confrontation with my mother. Holidays are a nightmare. Yet I cannot bring myself to "gray rock" which I know is the right thing to do for my sanity (and my family's). But it's so much easier said than done. Sending you strength.

Lying about it is a form of grey rock. Giving as few details as possible, is the real answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“We’ve discussed this before. I am not going to limit IL’s time with DD. You are just as welcome as they are. I am done talking about this.”

Then BE DONE. If she wants to rant about it you change the subject, walk away, hang up the phone.

People here hang up on their parents as a regular thing??

You don’t have to hang up mid sentence.

Blah blah blah
“Oh and how was Suzie’s game? I assume you had fun, since I wasn’t there. I know you only enjoy time with Bev and Dennis and not with me.”
“Mom, we’ve talked about this. You are welcome to come. I am done hearing complaints about this topic. Did you see the full moon last night? It was so pretty!”
“You say I am welcome but how am I supposed to enjoy it if I have to be second fiddle to Bev?”
“I’m not going to talk about this mom. I’ll call you later when you are ready to talk about something else. Bye.”

Then hang up.