Sudden death of a family member - how to help?

[Anonymous]

My cousin's husband passed away in his sleep leaving behind three small children. He was 32 and his youngest daughter is 8 months old. We are still in shock and disbelief of his sudden death. There is a fund set up for the children in lieu of the flowers, the neighbors and others are bringing the food and other items to the family. I wish I could do something to help my cousin, but I don't even know where to begin...other than offer to watch the children.

I hope no one on DCUM experienced a death of a family member, but perhaps you'll be able to share some ideas on how to help. TIA.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. You could coordinate meals and household help, laundry, errands, etc with neighbors and friends using a website like lotsahelpinghands.com or letshelp.us

This is so tragic. Do they know the cause of death? So young and so sad for his family. I'll keep them all in my prayers.

[Anonymous]

Watching the children would be the best you could probably do for her right now and check in on her frequently. I am so so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to his family.

[Anonymous]

Oh, how terribly sad for her family. You are a good friend. I have never been through this and pray I never will. However, what she probably needs to know is how much you love her. Ask her every day what you can do to help. Call her often. Remember that she is sad after the initial wave of sympathy is over. In addition to watching the children, in time, when she is able to get out, ask her to go somewhere with you that the children will enjoy, together. I imagine she will be missing family time, thinking constantly of her husband. Try to be a cheerful and loving presence.

[Anonymous]

Bring food. People come over to the house and it is helpful for the bereaved to be able to pull out a plate of muffins or for the visitors to come in and make lunch for your family members from the deli platter you brought.

[Anonymous]

Give her opportunities to talk about her husband -- for a long time and without fear that you're "reminding" her of her loss. She hasn't forgotten it, and although she may become emotional, she'll be grateful that you asked.

[Anonymous]

Similiar story, but not quite the same. My neighbor's 18 year son passed away unexpectedly this past fall. They had a ton of food and actually ended up giving some away to the fire dept. When we asked what we could do, she said - "no food". What has really helped my neighbor is talking about the situation. She will talk about it with anyone who will listen - even at the neighborhood Christmas party. My neighbor likes to take walks and I have offered to go on walks with her.

[Anonymous]

I've been in your cousin's shoes. Put it on your calendar to check in with her in the future -- 3mos, 6mos, what have you, from now. I'm not discouraging you from expressing your sympathy now, by any means. It's just that her grieving process will take time, and it's nice to have support and a listening ear once the casserole brigade has subsided and she's working to establish a new normal for herself and her family.

[Anonymous]

My dad died very suddenly when I was 20 and that entire first year was a blur. What I remember most were the people that were there throughout the year. You should absolutely be there now because really any distraction to get through the day is a good one but as pp's have suggested be there, really be there in the coming months.

[Anonymous]

I have experienced similar loss and agree with the posters who emphasize being there for her over the long haul. A lot of people are around in the first month, but sadly (and to no fault of their own), people move on with their lives and the event seems very distant after that. People forget that the grieving process takes a very long time.

She may be very depressed and reluctant to accept your gestures. Gently push her to do very small, normal things, like seeing a movie, going out to dinner, etc. People feel like they can't let go and enjoy themselves when someone dies and it is nice to have a supportive, gentle person prod you along. I wouldn't have left the house for a year if people didn't do that for me...even if they just came to my house and offered to go to the grocery store with me, it helped.

[Anonymous]

My condolences to you and your family.

To build on things that others have said:
Depending on the person - instead of asking what can I do - phrase as an offer. Examples: I am going to the zoo and want to bring the oldest 2 with me. I will be there at 10 - does that work? I am coming over to help with the laundry. I am coming over let's all go out for lunch - my treat.

Also - doing this after the 1st month - as someone else said - put it on your calendar to keep reaching out - it will be a really hard and long year for your cousin and her family.

[Anonymous]

Regarding food, she probably has a ton of help now, but people will fade away in the coming months. The time she is going to need that support is a few months from now, when she is learning to juggle kids, house, and probably employment without a lot of offers to help. I am sure at that point, a home cooked meal every couple of weeks would be so appreciated.

And yes to offers of childcare, especially in months down the road.

[Anonymous]

Don't just say "if you need anything, call me." because she might not call. Instead, show up. Let her talk. Arrange help for her. Watch her kids. Let her cry.

[Anonymous]

OP here: thanks so much for everyone's input. I am not bringing any food now because talking to my aunt they already have tons of food/baby diapers/plastic utencils - things the people think/might need.

I have ordered two books on children and death and overnighted them to their house.

I already said call if you need anything, but I agree with the PP - I will keep calling in the future.

So far my cousin has not left the room and her mom is taking care of the children.

The autopsy revealed natural cause of death which is just so hard to understand.