baby crying

[Anonymous]

I don't mean to invite a debate between those who support CIO and those who don't. I have a more generic question about babies crying for those of you who do NOT subscribe to the Ferber/Weisbluth/CIO methods.

For how long do you let your baby cry before you pick her/him up? I can't stand it even for more than a few minutes. Am I leading to bad habits by constantly comforting and picking the baby up? Is there some "safe" time period in which a baby could be allowed to cry, even for those of you who don't let the baby CIO?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if your leading into bad habits, but eventually if there isn't the boundary or the nip it in the bud mentality early on, not only will it be hard for you to sleep, but that same child might soon be walking into your room to climb into your bed. If you teach your baby to sooth himself and that running in all the time is not an option, hthey will have it instilled in them by the time their a preschooler.

[Anonymous]

You're right in your instincts: if you can't stand the sound, pick your baby up. Babies are made to be comforted and cuddled, people who think otherwise are doing what it best for them and not their baby.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the baby's age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're right in your instincts: if you can't stand the sound, pick your baby up. Babies are made to be comforted and cuddled, people who think otherwise are doing what it best for them and not their baby.

Actually I think it benefits the baby in the long run to have rested parents. Sometimes you have to get sleep also, and they bounce back quickly. Babies don't hold grudges.

[Anonymous]

Starting at around 8 months, we allowed her to cry for no more than 3 minutes (and not all the time). Now she is 13 months and rarely cries before going to sleep. She may not fall asleep immediately, but usually within 5-10 minutes of laying her down in the crib, she is asleep. CIO is not the only solution. By the way, FWIW, a friend fo mine used CIO (Ferber) and it "worked" for her, but her daughter, now 3 y.o. still battles before bedtime and still sneaks into their room.

[Anonymous]

Just curious, does the previous poster's friend let the 3 year old get in bed with them or walk them back. THey won't keep sneaking out if they understand it is not an option, and walk them back. Just like school, they will learn, you have to be consistent.

[sunnyskies]

We never let our baby (alomst 1 year old now) cry for more than 5 min or so. Five min feels like an hour to me anyway. I dont know if we just have a really good baby or what, but if we go up and down the stairs a bunch of time (I posted this earlier on another thread and someone responded that I should stop doing that) he does eventually fall asleep and I figure, what the heck, I could use the exercise. I dont think he does it to be manipulative, I think he is genuinely having trouble falling asleep and I genuinely feel like I owe it to him, as his mother, to try and help him/soothe him as much as possible. On rare occasions, he will sit up and grin. I dont stay long when he does that. But for the most part, I think you can tell when your child genuinely needs you and lots of crying to me = a cry for help.

FWIW, we did co-sleep for five months and then moved him to the crib because co-sleeping was too much of a distraction for him. He genuinely likes his crib and will play for a long time in it, before and/or after sleeping. But if he cries, we go right to his side so he knows we are there. But for example, just now, I put him down and he was fine. Five min later he started to cry. I went in and patted his back. Then he got happy and sat up. So I told him I loved him and walked out. Then he started to cry. But he only cried for 1 min and now I think he might be asleep. Had he kept crying, I would have gone back and told him, "shhh, its bedtime, I love you" pat the back, etc. Okay, as I write this now, he is crying out - that desperate, woes me kind of cry.....then it stops. Then it starts. Then it stops. Then it starts. Ok, be right back.....

He was standing at the end of the crib, staring forlornly down the hall at our bedroom. Smiled when I came in. I picked him up and he put his head on my shoulder so I know he is tired. Put him back in the crib, laid him down. He is now quietly laying on his back, clapping his hands and staring at the mobile. He will probably go to sleep now. There is a chance I will go thru this routine one or two more time in the next 10-15 min. But then that is usually the end of it. I don't mind. I think he is just having trouble drifting off and I think it is my job to let him know that I am still here and love him. Who knows what he is really thinking? I would never want to take a chance that he is worried about me coming back. I think I still give him enough time to learn to soothe himself. It also all depends on the kind of cry - the fussing on and off crying I let go longer because I know it is just him trying to get to sleep. But even after 5-10 min or so of that, I check in on him.

So there you have it - a "live" example of how long I let my baby cry!

[Anonymous]

PP- what a sweet portrait of what real parenting is all about. It's nice to see people on here whose primary method of getting their kid to sleep is not some patented program but old-fashioned love.

[sunnyskies]

Oh, thank you! Happy to say he is still asleep. And I am right behind now

Good night!

[Anonymous]

We tried hard not to read too many books about what the correct method of putting baby to sleep is. We went with our instinct and our instinct told us it is not right for baby to feel lonely and scared by him/herself. We probably let her cry for about 10 -20 minutes when she was baby(2-3 months), with intermittent check points. But now that she is 8 months we don't let her cry anything over 5 minutes. Anything over that means something is wrong. She is too aware of her surrounding to cry longer for something uncertain.

I don't think babies need to learn to sooth themselves. Every time I hear this, I visualize a little baby in war zone, huddled in a corner sucking his thumb whilst looking very scared to soothe himself. Why are we as parents around? We should soothe them. I know it can be quite exhausting and that is why it is always good to have two involved parents. We took turns so one can get a longer stretch whilst the other one attended to teh baby. And now few months later, we have a happy secure baby.

Now when we leave her room, she just looks at us and goes back sleep or plays with her binky or teddy bear before falling asleep. That comes from a secure baby who knows that if she needs us, we are there because we come when she calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We tried hard not to read too many books about what the correct method of putting baby to sleep is. We went with our instinct and our instinct told us it is not right for baby to feel lonely and scared by him/herself. We probably let her cry for about 10 -20 minutes when she was baby(2-3 months), with intermittent check points. But now that she is 8 months we don't let her cry anything over 5 minutes. Anything over that means something is wrong. She is too aware of her surrounding to cry longer for something uncertain.

I don't think babies need to learn to sooth themselves. Every time I hear this, I visualize a little baby in war zone, huddled in a corner sucking his thumb whilst looking very scared to soothe himself. Why are we as parents around? We should soothe them. I know it can be quite exhausting and that is why it is always good to have two involved parents. We took turns so one can get a longer stretch whilst the other one attended to teh baby. And now few months later, we have a happy secure baby.

Now when we leave her room, she just looks at us and goes back sleep or plays with her binky or teddy bear before falling asleep. That comes from a secure baby who knows that if she needs us, we are there because we come when she calls.

Why would you let her cry for 10-20 minutes when she was 2 months old? That sounds harsh to me.

[Anonymous]

To sunnyskies -
Your son can stand up but you still have a mobile in the crib? Are you not afraid he'll yank it down? Just wondering because DD LOVED her mobile and it would keep her occupied for quite some time but we removed it once she started sitting up by herself. Maybe you have some magic mobile and if so, would you mind sharing so maybe we could use the same thing?

[Anonymous]

I picked up my baby each time he cried out in the night and rocked him back to sleep. I never let him cry over 60 seconds (just long enough to drag my tired butt into his room) It was very frequent in the beginning and tapered off and ended up sleeping soundly through the night at 1 year. So, basically I just did what felt natural, which was confort my child and he is a wonderful sleeper to this day. However, we did not co-sleep which was very hard getting up all those times, but I think this is what lead to him being such a good sleeper in his own bed.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think you are doing a good thing by going with instinct. I also did not think it was healthy for a small baby to cry for long periods of time. When she cried, I was holding her. Usually, she was crying because she needed something (food, sleep, diaper, love) and she is now a very well-adjusted, happy 18-month old. We also co-slept, which worked great for us. At six months, when she transitioned to the crib, it did take some adjustment and some investment on our part to rub her back, sing, etc. to get her to sleep alone.

I think you sound like a great parent! Keep up the good work!