2 SN kids and wanting a third

[Anonymous]

I must be crazy because we have just finally found more harmony with our two SN kids. But I still want a 3rd child. Has anyone with one or more SN kids decided to have another? I honestly would be okay with another SN child, it's not like I know it any other way. Thought? Please don't flame me.

[Anonymous]

We have one SN child (our first) and twin NT younger children. Honestly, as nervous as we were, our SN son has made TREMENDOUS progress from having his younger siblings around. It's a ton of work to manage the three but the best thing that could have happened to our family. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I must be crazy because we have just finally found more harmony with our two SN kids. But I still want a 3rd child. Has anyone with one or more SN kids decided to have another? I honestly would be okay with another SN child, it's not like I know it any other way. Thought? Please don't flame me.

Our 1st is SN and next two are NT. Having NT siblings happens to be one of the best things we ever could have done for our oldest child. We didn't know that would be the case, we just knew our family didn't feel complete.

Best of luck to you.

(And anyone who wants to flame you should take a long walk off a short pier instead.)

[Anonymous]

Heavens ... no need for flames! That is a totally reasonable question and just reflects your love for children and family life. I'm sure you realize that having another child will make life more complicated ... there is only so much time and money to go around. But you are also well aware of the joy of children, no matter their needs. So my only advice is to think it through carefully ... no impulsive decisions! There is no wrong decision. Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

My instinct is to ask, doesn't it depend on how profoundly disabled the 1st two children are? It would seem there is an enormous difference in prognosis, costs, time commitment, exhaustion, and so on depending on whether you are describing a child with well-controlled ADHD or a child who is a quadrapalegic and blind.

[Anonymous]

I would discuss all the pros and cons with your husband (I assume he wants a 3rd too? If not, I wouldn't have a third). I would also crunch the numbers and make sure you can afford it...sorry to be so practical minded. If you do decide to have a third...baby dust and good wishes to you

[Anonymous]

No advice. Just prayers for a healthy and happy third child for you.

[Anonymous]

I also have 2 SN kids and have thought of a 3rd. We have decided against it (and are making sure that it doesn't happen by accident). Mostly we've decided against it because our older is on the spectrum and takes a LOT of attention and then we have to give tons of attention to the younger one who definitely needs an equal amount of attention. We're frankly terrified that we would have another kid on the spectrum worse than the one we have. We just couldn't handle it or afford it and it would throw our kids into a tailspin. So we've decided no, but it sounds like you are in a different position and frame of mind. So do what the PP's have said and crunch the numbers and if it seems like it will all work, go for it.

I would suggest having a baby around for a while. I had already decided no and then then last week we babysat a friend's 1-year-old for a morning. I was a total mess trying to get all 3 out the door! It was a good confirmation for me that I couldn't do it, but again, you are clearly in a different place.

[Anonymous]

Two of my three kids have SNs - we had three of them in 3 years (last one was an oops) and the two were diagnosed within 6 months of each other. As a PP has said, everyone is in a different place so take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

I'm exhausted. Perhaps if I had family nearby, perhaps if we could afford a nanny or housekeeper, perhaps if my DH didn't have ADHD, perhaps if we didn't both have to work I would be in a better place but we don't have any of that and we've economized, minimized and simplified pretty much all we can. Our kids will likely be okay in the long run but I find myself wishing I could have a little free time, have a little more energy for myself and to do things with the kids. I wish I could reconnect more with my DH. My NT kid is amazing. I wish we could afford dance lessons for her. I'm sure my kids feel equally loved but we have to spend so much time/money on therapy/interventions that there isn't much left for any extra-curriculars for her. Even if we did have the money, how could I fit in another appointment? I've tried to keep up friendships but it's been difficult. I've dropped those friends who believe 'that diagnosis is such a fad these days' or don't believe in medication. The ones who are left, well, it's hard to fit them in. Having three kids keeps you busy even when they're all NT but, for me, 1 SN kids is more like having 1.75 NT kids. I don't have 3 kids, I've got 4.5 kids. I love them all very much but I have to admit I wish it were easier. It's also hard to have someone watch them. Most families we know just have 2 kids. You can drop 2 kids off for a couple of hours, dropping off 3 kids is a bit different. Babysitters are pretty much out of the question, we just can't afford what it would cost for 3 kids.

I realize how grim I've made this sound, but for us, it's just reality. Perhaps as they get older they'll require less but 5 years of this has taken it's toll. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel......

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you SO much for everyone's thoughtful and honest answer. (This is by far my favorite board) For full disclosure, I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old HFA child. (both also have co-morbid diagnosis, but this is the main one) They are both truly amazing but also truly challenging. The first year of having both of them was pure hell. The moment of realization that child #2 was also on the spectrum was crushing. But they are high-functioning, and they are absolutely fascinating children who I love more than my life. They both love the idea of another child (not that they are truly able to judge the situation, but my older child wanted the baby to sleep in his room, so that was very sweet and "normal") .

I still don't know where this comes from. I always wanted more than two but for the longest time would forbid myself to even consider it because I was barely functioning. Now the kids are actually on a decent path. They are in a good place school-wise, and we have a support system in place unlike when we initially dealt with the reality of having two HFA kids. I no longer really have any romantic notions of pregnancy/childbirth and babyhood, so this kind of shocked me, because it is such a strong intuitive feeling that both my husband and I share. We're still fairly young, so we have time.

All of you have made some really helpful suggestions. It's going to be a planning process, an analysis of our finances, space and emotional stabilty. Things would be alot different and adjustments will need to be made. For now, most of the adjustments are things we planned on anyway, so we will go ahead and make those and re-evaluate later in the year.

I don't know what an NT kid would be like so if this kid would not be NT that's fine. If it is, well, I would get learn what that must be like. (Hello there, time-outs...! )

To PP 3 in 3 years has got to be hard, especially with little support. Big hugs to you, and I hope that it does get easier! I know with my two it has definitely gotten easier.

Lots of things to consider, lots of things to do. But at the end of the day the two kids I have right now are my main concern, so if it turns out not to work out, we will be okay. I will have to make a choice at some point so we can opt for a vasectomy or something like that, but in the meantime I will live in a world between dreaming of a 3rd child, implementing changes and continuing to fight for the two I have.

[Anonymous]

OP. You are obviously in a really good place regarding your SN children. I have one myself (non-verbal Autism). It was when I had your enthusiasm about having him despite all the difficulties that I was ready for a third. My third child is a boy and is NT.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP whatever your path might be in the future. Absent a change of heart - and a minor fertility miracle - we are done with one. My child is the light of my life and a delight - and the issue is not sever. That said - the therapy we currently do with one child is challenging from a logistical perspective. So, one is a happy family for us.

Do lots of long and short range planning. What does it mean for your day to day existence, what does it mean for retirement, what does it mean in terms of paying for therapies for your existing children. What are the health and finances of the grandparents - will you be managing their old age in the next 5 years.

Lifetime happiness is a complex thing - carefully examine your whole situation first.

[Anonymous]

Just want to chime and say I think this is a hard issue many SN parents deal with. We only have one child now, SN, and it's time that we have another if that's our plan. Right after diagnosis in the last year I couldn't even think about it -- we started various types of therapies and the logistics, time, and cost of them and the overall worry was too much. I also overwhelmed by the thought of having a second SN child and wondering if that was fair. Lots of dark thoughts at the time and even just practically speaking, I didn't know how I'd deal with everthing + taking care of a newborn. Now we're in a good groove and thinking positive and we plan to TTC this year. It's hokey but I think you need to listen to your gut. Practical concerns of course need to play in. In thinking about another DH and I had to agree that if our second had SN, we'd have the mental, physical and monetary resources to handle it.