Ex violates court order by preventing me from calling the kids

[Anonymous]

Looking for advice about telephone calls when the kids are not in my custody. The judge decided that the custodial parent will allow a 5 min call at 7:30 pm. Of the last 4 nights I called my Ex only answered the telephone on 2 nights (and the other 2 nights I couldn't talk to my pre-K kids). This is in violation of the judge's ruling. It's very upsetting to me
At what point do I have to bring this to someone's attention? How many violations before I take action?
Does anyone have experience with this? Thanks in advance for your suggestions!

[Anonymous]

That's too bad OP. I would call your ex again and remind him/her about this being a violation. Don't get upset, don't threaten, make it absolutely civil. Then, if it occurs again, have your attorney send a letter to his/her attorney reminding them of the court order. I think if there is a CONTINUAL problem with calls, then you may have to go to court to define what happens if you are not allowed to talk to the kids. If it was two days that the call didn't happen because of unusual activities associated with the holidays (people out, etc), I don't think it's worth getting into that (simply because it totally brings more animosity to the situation). Hopefully you'll get to the point where your ex wants you to talk to the kids all the time (as I do with my ex).

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP again. When you talked to your EX, did you determine what was the reason he/she didn't answer the phone the other nights? It seems like requiring a call at EXACTLY 7:30 is VERY RESTRICTIVE. I wouldn't be able to live with that at all. But when I am out, I simply make sure we call my son's dad other times (at this point, I must say, he just picks up the phone and calls his dad when he wants to, and that's like 5 times a day). But I think there needs to be some flexibility here. What you want is the assurance that you can talk to the kids and the kids can talk to you, not necessarily that all life stops at 7:30 (if they were at a movie, I'm sure you wouldn't want them having to miss parts of it for a call at an exact time of day... you just want to make sure they can talk to you every day they're not with you).

Let rationality be your guiding light.

[Anonymous]

I completely agree with the suggestion that we allow for flexibility but the court order is still very fresh (three weeks) and we've been told that the call must take place at 7:30. Furthermore flexibility is possible only if both parties are acting civil and mature. Unfortunately that is not the case so we had to go to court rather than settle and we have to live by very restrictive rules

[Anonymous]

I'm the two PP's that followed the OP.

I totally know how this initial period is. It's when you sort of test whether you two ARE going to be civil with eachother, and importantly, whether this agreement you've gone to court to get is going to be honored. I know how the agreement becomes what you cling to when you know your ex has the capacity to be a jerk, and you're worrying about what this means when there has been a violation. Just from my limited experience, I would still advise you to think long term and not get panicky about small (even deliberate) movements from the court agreement.

But I will say, it also took me about 3 years before I finally got to the point where I wasn't referring to the court agreement as my guide. I hope for you it's earlier. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, the two nights she didn't answer were Christmas Eve and Christmas, right? You can't understand why? Give you kids a break and stop being so aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, the two nights she didn't answer were Christmas Eve and Christmas, right? You can't understand why? Give you kids a break and stop being so aggressive.

Let me guess: you didn't just emerge from a contentious divorce.

I don't think you can understand how it is when you have an antagonistic relationship with the other parent. That hopefully will change, but I imagine that 3 weeks into an agreement in which you've fought to be able to speak with your child, you would get concerned that the agreement wasn't honored. I didn't take the OP's question to be an aggressive attempt to reverse a court order or get more than was originally granted (there were no questions like, "At what point should I see a lawyer to fight for sole custody?"). I saw it as someone wondering how much is too much with regard to violating the agreement.

OP, hope things get straightened out. Happy Holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, the two nights she didn't answer were Christmas Eve and Christmas, right? You can't understand why? Give you kids a break and stop being so aggressive.

Let me guess: you didn't just emerge from a contentious divorce.

I don't think you can understand how it is when you have an antagonistic relationship with the other parent. That hopefully will change, but I imagine that 3 weeks into an agreement in which you've fought to be able to speak with your child, you would get concerned that the agreement wasn't honored. I didn't take the OP's question to be an aggressive attempt to reverse a court order or get more than was originally granted (there were no questions like, "At what point should I see a lawyer to fight for sole custody?"). I saw it as someone wondering how much is too much with regard to violating the agreement.

OP, hope things get straightened out. Happy Holidays.

Yes, exactly happy holidays. I am the PP you quoted. Does the OP really not understand that it is the holidays? Go before a judge and tell him that during Christmas week his ex violated the court order by missing the phone call two times and see how annoyed the judge is to waste his/her time on the OP's pettiness. And yes, I have a hostile situation -- the other parent is incredibly hostile, mean, aggressive, self-pitying and does not consider out DC AT ALL because his entire relationship is consumed by anger and ego issues. Not good for the kids, no matter how the OP -- or you, PP -- spin your pity party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, exactly happy holidays. I am the PP you quoted. Does the OP really not understand that it is the holidays? Go before a judge and tell him that during Christmas week his ex violated the court order by missing the phone call two times and see how annoyed the judge is to waste his/her time on the OP's pettiness. And yes, I have a hostile situation -- the other parent is incredibly hostile, mean, aggressive, self-pitying and does not consider out DC AT ALL because his entire relationship is consumed by anger and ego issues. Not good for the kids, no matter how the OP -- or you, PP -- spin your pity party.

I think you are inserting yourself a little too much into this situation. You can imagine how during the holidays, both parents want to connect with their children. Making sure both parents have access in no way harms the children. I'm the recurring PP in this, and if you read my responses, I advised to give some flexibility. But a parent has the right to have the agreement honored as well. I'm sorry you're in a bad situation with your ex. I was too, and it was several years of stress (not now, thankfully).

For myself, if I hadn't answered the phone at 7:30, I certainly would have advised the other parent of a good time to call. That's just being considerate.

[Anonymous]

OP, try talking to the other parent to find out if this is the best time. I have a similar agreement with my ex, and frankly, 7:30 is not always the easiest time to take a break to talk.

In my situation, if we are not going to be available, I let my ex know and offer another time. I expect him to do the same for me (which he does, mostly). If I call and they don't answer, I send a text, wait for 1/2 hour, then call again.

In your situation, I would call or email the other parent directly, tell him that it worried you/stressed you out to not have contact with your kids that day, and ask him (or her) to abide by the agreement, as you plan to.

It's only been three weeks--give it time, try to be nice, but document everything in case it becomes a systematic problem. Email is a good way to do this. Good luck.