single mother, try to stick it out on my own or go back to parents? wwyd

[Anonymous]

Single mother here. DS is 7 months old. He's a spirited guy, but he's happy. Aside from the challenge of naps, he's a well-behaved, normal little boy.

The sleep deprivation and stress at work has not done so great for mom though. I feel that my moods, sometimes in tears, feeling so overwhelmed, suggests PPD. I fear that it will only get worse unless my situation changes. If he sleeps through the night, I can accomplish things. But if he doesn't, or has trouble with a nap, I can be a zombie. I worry that I won't be the patient parent that any child deserves, let alone one that takes him to activities, helps him with his development.

I'm in the process of finding a new job, hopefully to lighten the stress. I'm also wondering if I should return to my parent's house for a few months, live near them for a few years. I don't have the best relationship with them, but they would be of some support. I love this area, but I don't have any family here. Friends have little ones of their own and are very busy. Right now, DS has a sweet sitter he's come to trust. We have a routine, including saying hello to the people at our local stores. We can do most of our errands within walking distance. We are meeting other babies and moms. I hate to disrupt that if I can make it work here, if this sense of being overwhelmed will pass in a short time.

(The father is not in the picture.)

Any other single mothers who have raised a child without any family in the area? Is having family around the better choice?

[Anonymous]

I've done both and both have their pros and cons. As your baby gets older, he will probably start sleeping a lot better and so will you. That REALLY helps. Everything looks better when you've had some decent sleep. I'd give it 6 months or so and see how you feel then. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My DD is 1.5 yrs. I am doing it on my own, both of my parents have passed on, so I don't have the option of going home. DD's biodad is not in the picture.

I remember what it was like at 7 months, at about 12 months it starts to get better. I highly recommend finding less stressful work -- I've taken a couple of steps back professionally, and the stress reduction plus being in a family-friendly environment are my saving graces.

Your situation outside of work is better than mine -- I bought in a transitional neighborhood before I got pregnant, and we haven't "transitioned" as quickly as I'd like so, while the neighborhood is pretty safe, there are few amenities in walking distance, no moms/babies to meet at neighborhood stores.

If DS is happy with sitter, routine, etc, I second PP in saying stick it out a while longer, esp as you say your relationship with parents is not the best -- sounds like additional stress you don't need -- they may help with DD but not respect your parenting methods, etc.

Time + possibly a more amenable work situation will give you the best possible setup for your little family.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I thought about this when I had my daughter two years ago. My family is in the midwest. I thought long and hard about where I'd have a bigger support system, and ultimately I decided it was here. yes, I don't have family, but I do have a decent network of friends - some with kids, some without. I love my parents and I know they'd love to see more of me and my daughter, but they realistically *might* take her once a week, probably not more than that. They have their own lives. I didn't see *possible* once-a-week babysitting being worth leaving all my friends, and my job, and my house to move to a place where I have no job, not many friends and nothing but family to sustain me. (my dad is also planning his retirement elsewhere so the family connection would eventually be gone anyway.)

In my case, I'm lucky to have the father involved, but if something happened and he wasn't around, I think I'd still stay here. Yes, sometimes my friends (especially the married ones) are involved in their own lives and don't have time for me. I'm kind of used to that. As a single mom, it can be really hard to know where you fit in. You're in kind of a no-man's-land between the couples with children and the singles without, and nobody really knows what to do with you!

Do you like it here? Are there adjustments you can make to your routine to make it easier? I do think that as your child gets older, you're more likely to make friends with the other parents. When my daughter was a baby, I didn't know that many parents in her daycare. Now that they're all 2, we're getting invited to the other kids' birthday parties and I'm making more friends with kids my daughter's age. Also, as your child gets older, you can do some little mommy-and-me classes on weekends and have exposure to other parents that way. you may not make sustained friendships there, but you'll be getting out and about with other parents and it can help.

Good luck! And if you're anywhere near Fairfax or Arlington, post back and maybe we can do a meet-up sometime. I don't think I'll be having another baby and I like having friends with babies so I can get my occasional baby fix.

[Anonymous]

I don't know your situation but I had a very good friend who left w/ her 2 year old to move closer to her parents; she just felt too overwhelmed. The dad was in the picture for about the first 18 months. I wish she had asked me for help, and I didn't know how to offer. At the time I was single w/ my own issues, but I would have loved to do any number of things on a consistent unpaid basis for her little girl. Now I'm older w/ a 16 month of my own and I see so many ways I could have helped. You have more support than you know, and although I love the anonymity of this board, putting this question to some friends may give you better guidance.

[Anonymous]

I am single mom - my child is 4 - and my parents are dead. No other close family. It does get better after the infant stage and it is a good idea to hire help in the early years if you don't have friends who can help out.

I wouldn't automtically assume that your parents would be helpful or supportive or provide any relief. I have had other single mom friends who have been burned by the claiming-they-are-going-to-be-super-helpful-grandparents. They pick up and move their whole life to be closer to family only to find that the parents bail as soon as they have moved and have to deal with the reality of helping out with an infant/toddler. Suddenly the parents are "too busy". Worse are the ones who then start criticizing every move the mom makes.

It might seem like a good idea but if you are serious, I would wait a year. See how helpful they are now when you are not close. do they offer to come for weekends, weekdays, vacations? Do they offer to have you come to their house and are they helpful? Do they just sit around and watch you do everything or do they pitch and do housework or maybe offer (without you prompting) to take the baby for a couple hours? How well do they know their grandchild? Do they call a lot for updates? Try and find out about him? Or do they mention him briefly in conversations and then it is back to their own life...

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for sharing your experience. I think I'm going to see how it goes in the next few months, try to become more involved in support groups/mom groups for the time being. It's definitely an immense job...and I wish the best of luck to everyone! In thinking about it, I realize how much effort our routine has taken to build. We have support groups, a good pediatrician, etc. I would have to do that all over again if I moved. As much as my parents wish to be devoted grandparents, I am concerned they will become too busy or tired to do much more than watch DS for a few hours a week. I also hate to disrupt DS's happy existence. He seems quite content so far! As long as I can get over this hump of flat out exhaustion...

[Anonymous]

Single mom of a 13 month old who has never slept through the night with me. Last night was particularly horrible, so I can relate. Her father is in the picture, but he only sees her during the day. Therefore, all of the unglamourous parts of parenting fall on me (preparing meals, bathtime, constant night time feedings, etc). I have family in the area and its a Godsend. Its the only reason I have any semblance of a social life. How far away are your parents? What neighborhood are you in?