How do you teach "gentle"?

[Anonymous]

Every time my 8-month old yanks my hair, or gets a handful of the cat, I take her hand, extricate whatever she has a hold of, and tell her "gentle". I demonstrate how to pet the cat nicely, but she really just want to grab and pull. Is there a better way to communicate the concept? At what age can I expect her to get it? At what age is a little discipline appropriate, and what kind? (I don't want to go the spanking or hand-slapping route, like my parents' and grandparents' generation recommends.)

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

How do you teach "gentle"? Constantly! It's a thing I seem to say eight hundred times a day.

My little guy is finally starting to catch on (he's just over a year). I think one thing that helps is to praise the child when they do it right. Just as you would probably scold every time she isn't gentle, every time she is gentle, repeat the word and smile and make a big deal. Otherwise, they get a reaction just one way so that's the way they want to do it.

[Anonymous]

My 14 month old knows what gentle is and acts on it when I say gentle (well most of the time). We started teaching her around 8-9 months by saying gentle and stroking her face really lightly. It took a few months of constant reinforcement but eventually she got the idea. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you posted this, because we're in the same struggle with our nearly 11-month-old DS. I have really long hair, and he loves to yank it. even when I wear it up, he manages to grab a handful sometimes. and, we have two cats. he loves to yank them all over, especially the tails. we're doing exactly what OP is doing. I think it might be working, but I'm not really sure yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time my 8-month old yanks my hair, or gets a handful of the cat, I take her hand, extricate whatever she has a hold of, and tell her "gentle". I demonstrate how to pet the cat nicely, but she really just want to grab and pull. Is there a better way to communicate the concept? At what age can I expect her to get it? At what age is a little discipline appropriate, and what kind? (I don't want to go the spanking or hand-slapping route, like my parents' and grandparents' generation recommends.)

Thanks!

I think what you're doing is right - you just need to keep doing it and be consistent and eventually she'll catch on. She's only 8 months old. And I know you said you're not doing this - but I just had to add it's always been odd to me that someone would try and teach a baby to be gentle by hitting them. I just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs. I would also suggest you simply limit contact between the two for some time. Just redirect her. She's way too young to understand gentle all the time and way, way too young for discipline. We also got a book called "Pat them gently" with furry cats and dogs to practice petting on.

[Anonymous]

We have a small dog and 2 cats. We taught our 16 month old to be gentle by taking his hand and patting the dog. He's completely infatuated with the dog, and every time he goes near her, we say "gentle". He understands...and sometimes lays his head on her.

[Anonymous]

I started at Day 1 because we have pets and I did not want him torturing the cat and dog. I always say "gentle-owie" at about 15 months he connected rough play with the cat to an owie. He knows now at 2 that if he is not gentle he can hurg someone or something. So, he started at 15mos and fully understands the concept at 2 years old.

Also, when he was rough with the cat, I would take his hand and show him how to pet the cat gently, very softly. Now, if he grabs at her, he will pull his hand back and get a serious face and say gentle and start to pet her nice. As a result, believe it or not, the cat now seeks him out for attention and cuddles with him. However, when his friends come over the cat runs for cover.

We also use gentle when get go to store that have things he can destroy at eye level, such as Pottery Barn. He will touch the things, but very softly.

[Anonymous]

I think the question about how long it takes them to understand depends a great deal on the temperment of the individual child. My DS is 22 months and we have consistently been tryint to teach the "gentle" concept using the technique everyone here has described since he was about 8 months old. He still does not get it. He loves our dog and his younger sibling and his parents desperately and he wants to show it all the time. However, he usually shows it very aggressively and it hurts. The dog is terrified of him now, we have to be ever vigilant to protect the younger sibling etc. We will continue to try to teach "gentle" as I have not learned any alternative to what OP is already doing but it is certainly a long process for some of them.

[Anonymous]

When our son was rough with people or animals, we would ask him if he could "make nice" instead and would show him how to gently stroke. It's the same expression I was taught as a toddler almost 50 years ago! Anyway, my son, who is now 7, is non-verbal (uses a talking device and some sign language and gesture to communicate), and he will stroke the cheek of a person he loves to say "I love you" or "Thank you". When he does it to me, I say "I love you, too!" or "you're welcome!" depending on the context. So, for us, rather than dictating how he should behave with an animal or person, asking him if he could "make nice" instead was a way of allowing him express his feelings of tenderness. I think it fostered feelings of gentleness, instead of dictating gentle behavior. I know this is a very subtle distinction, but I wanted to say that a child does have tender feelings, and I think our goal could be to bring out these feelings, rather than just being the moderator of the child's behavior.