Sperm donors

[Anonymous]

We are going to use a sperm donor, b/c of my dh's poorly defined genetic condition ( will not elaborate). Has anyone else done this? How did your dh feel about the child? How does it feel to have a child by a man you don't know?

[Anonymous]

My dearest H has a very poor genetic makeup. I won't elaborate either. Suffice it to say it terrified me. I was unwilling to live with the constant fear that my child would suffer from the same genetic destiny. Unbeknownst to my dearest H, or anyone else, I obtained a sperm donation, choosing from a profile that would seem to physically match my H. 5 years after the fact we are all so very happy and healthy. I'll pray for you. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

PP - so your husband doesn't know that he is not the biological father? I am very glad you are all happy, but I would be worried about trust issues in the future if he ever found out.

OP - I think if you and your husband are OK with this choice, it is a good choice for you. I have friends who have adopted babies and they have loved their children as much as I love my biological child. I personally enjoyed carrying my child - I enjoyed pregnancy. It will probably be a good time for you and your husband to connect over your child. I would recommend including him in as many things as possible and talk about "our" baby and "you will be such a great father". I wouldn't make a big deal about how you got pregnant, but focus on your life together as a family. I also don't think it is necessary for anyone to be in your business and know the details. All they need to know is that you have a beautiful baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP - so your husband doesn't know that he is not the biological father? I am very glad you are all happy, but I would be worried about trust issues in the future if he ever found out.

No, he has no inkling. I think he would understand. But if I were that sure I suppose I would have discussed this with him before the fact. I guess I have traded one nightmare, that of my child's potential genetic defects, for another, the utter destruction of my family. Life isn't easy.

[Anonymous]

To the OP, yes, we used a donor. After several years of aggresively TTC, we finally got an accurate diagnosis. For us, sperm donation or adoption were the only remaining options.

We tiptoed around the idea for a long time. Finally I admitted to my husband that I was worried that he wouldn't love the baby as much if it weren't genetically his. He finally admitted that he felt like a failure and too awful that I'd have to resort to this. We were both so worried about the other's feelings and we had been letting that hold us back. That conversation resulted in us moving forward.

It is a surreal experience to "shop" for your donor. But we did, got pregnant, and have a beautiful kid running around. And let me assure you that my husband is more bonded to that child than I could ever have hoped for. It's really riduculous how much they love each other.

Prior to going forward with this choice, we did go through counseling. The clinic's counselor really encouraged us to be open with our child from the very beginning -- because eventually (she said), a child has the right to know who they are, including their medical history. It is far better, she said, for the child to grow up with that knowledge than to find out about it when he/she is, say, 15 year old. If you've been hiding the truth for that long, your teenager is sure to feel lied to, and at a time when they are questioning their identity anyway as part of growing up.

So, our child knows that we used a donor -- though she probably isn't sure what that means yet. She adores her father, and if she ever tries to find out who her biological father is, we're fine with that. As for others outside our immediate family, I did tell my parents and one of my siblings. We wanted our daughter to know that she was loved unreservedly (and she is) by people who know the facts about her conception. No one else will know these facts unless our daugheter decides to tell them -- because we do feel that this is HER information to share.

I cannot imagine my life without this child, who would certainly not exist if we hadn't made this very hard choice. I only wish that we hadn't waited so long to move forward with it.

So, I wish you luck with your own efforts.

[Anonymous]

OP here, Thanks for you responses. To the pp that said that her husband does not know, I understand why you did not tell. When it is a genetic thing rather than a fertility problem it is hard for them to accept. They want their own kids, but we don't want to chance it. My dh is disabled now, and I would be negligent to ignore that.

[Anonymous]

The trust issue is a valid point, but what is more important is that your judgment as a mother is best for your child. A child is dependent on the mother to make the best decisions regarding health and happiness, even if that means selecting a different father. It is a hard decision to make, but sometimes we have to weigh things. The biggest risk, even greater that losing a marriage, is having a child with severe genetic problems. I would chance a divorce to have a healthy child.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster from 5/10 at 22:45. Because I've been in this situation and know how agonizing it is, I don't want to come off as judgemental. But I'm living with the consequences of our choice, and I feel like I have information to offer. So, I'll chime in again.

I'm not sure that my clinic (Shady Grove) would have permitted me to go through IVF using a donor unless my husband signed off on it also. He had been considered the "co-patient" for two years of treatments. We were both required to participate in counseling prior to going through with it.

I know that you realize that you'll be lying to your husband for years to come when he asks you "do you think he gets that from me?" And you won't have him for a sounding board when you want to talk about traits that your child must get from the donor. It has been awkward for me to lie to my family about this -- I can't imagine how it would feel to lie to my husband. For example, I had a sister who asked a lot of questions about our child -- and finally came right out and asked if we used a donor. My words said "no, of course not," but as prepared as I was for someone to eventually raise the question, it was clear that I was lying. If I had had an unsuspecting husband sitting there at the time, there's no way he would have not known. (Again, to remind you, we followed the counselor's advice on keeping the information semi-private. Our daughter knows and her grandparents know. Our daughter will be told that this is not a "secret" which is something that seems shameful, but it is "private" and her information to share or not share).

Consider that if you lie to your husband, you'll have to lie to your child forever also -- or make him/her complicit in keeping something fron his/her father. Probably every counselor out there will tell you that your child has a right to know the facts eventually, and that it's just a matter of when is best to tell.

Consider that your husband really may surprise you and be glad that you brought this possibility up. I brought it up with my husband after enduring 9 procedures and spending an enormous sum of money. He couldn't bear to watch me go through any more. I think he was grateful that I was ready to go ahead with a donor. He preferred it to adoption because he got to bond with the baby by singing to her in utero, to cut the cord, and do all those things that we had both dreamed about doing with a newborn for so long. (No sleight intended in the least towards adoption. We're going through adoption for our second child for reasons that have nothing to do with donation).

[Anonymous]

Lesbian mom here. Although our situations are different, we have more in common that you might think.

Like many lesbians who want to become parents, we used a sperm donor and chose a donor in part based on physical resemblance to my partner (as well as medical history and temperament). In the end, lesbian couples who become parents are simply people who are unable to have a biological child with their beloved - as is the case in your situation.

We used California Cryobank and were very happy with them. They have a large database of potential donors and offer a great deal of information about them. We have a childhood photo of our donor, along with a CD recording of his interview, a medical history going back to his grandparents, results of a temperament test, his SAT scores, etc. When a child reaches 18 y/o and if they wish to find out the identity of the donor, California Cryobank will attempt to get in touch with the donor to see if they are open to being contacted by the child. I actually hope that our child will one day want to contact the donor and will do so simply because I want to thank him.

My partner is devoted to our child, even though she has no biological connection to her. She participated in choosing the donor, was present during the insemination, the pregnancy and the birth. Our child has her last name. My partner is her emotional and legal parent (we live someplace where second-parent adoptions are legal - not in VA). She is, like I am, her mother.

I cannot imagine our lives without our child and am more grateful than words can express that sperm donation is an option for some of us.

Hope this is helpful. Best wishes to you!

[Anonymous]

15:25 - That was beautifully put! Thank you for sharing your wonderful story!