How to leave a marriage like a lady? How to get what you need?

[Anonymous]

A friend mentioned getting a book that laid out plans for leaving a marriage. It involved getting a credit card so she would have a credit history after being a SAHM for ten years and other such practical things.

What else?

If I sound cold it's because I found out that my "DH" has continued a relationship with someone he swore to leave behind a year into our marriage. She's on his Facebook page: "Hi, Sexy!" And, he thinks this is okay.

My husband's response to any of my needs has been to shout out his own wants. I mention cutting off this woman, he demands that I cook more often. Like a fool, I think we've made a deal. I cook, and this woman pops up again and again. He thinks it's harmless and doesn't care about the shame it makes me feel or, frankly, what it may say about him as a man.

But back to the question at hand today. This marriage can't last. We have a young child. I would like to have another before this is over. DH is a great Dad, if you take how he treats DW (me!) out of the equation. I would also like to transition into a new job, one that comes with free childcare. I've actually been scoping it out. Other things: I want to be more social and spiffy myself up a bit, so that I won't be tempted to fall back into this "partnership" because life outside of marriage is scary.

He will NEVER go to counseling. He has not responded to tearful disappointment, shock, shaming, or loud, loud screaming. And, this woman is only one of the major issues we face. He is terribly critical of me (despite the fact that I am educated, good-looking, a hardworking Mom, and supportive wife). I saw that he had texted how "horny" he was the month our DC was born and was absolutely...there are no words. We'd been having enthusiastic, robust sex up until three weeks before I delivered our child! After all of the complaints I've seen on DCUM about entire pregnancies that go sexless or the first year of parenthood, I just could NOT believe the insult or ingratitude.

Oh god it feels good to say these secret things. I do such a good job of presenting a wonderful face to the world and DH is attractive and charming. No one knows how awful it's been to have been forced to live with multiple dealbreakers.

What sorts of things should I be working towards as I inch my way out of this relationship? We didn't sign a prenup before getting married. DH has strong feelings about never taking alimony, never even took the unemployment or tax incentive money he was entitled to, and is loathe to pay for an attorney so I'm not sure if anything needs to be done on that front. I'm not sure what other issues might come up for me or our children.

I welcome any savvy advice from those with experience in this sort of thing. How do I leave well?

[Anonymous]

OP,


If you have enough money and can agree on the schedule, then it will be smooth. Alas, that rarely happens. What does he think about custody? You know many men want 50-50 these days.

It sounds like you are romanticizing divorce. You will be exchanging one set of problems for another. I'm not telling you to stay, I am suggesting you take a hard look at the realities of running two households and sharing custody and coordinating lives between two homes and guess what doing things on your free nights, like attend school meetings, etc.

[Anonymous]

There's no perfect way to leave. It's scary and hard and sometimes awful and sometimes you are broke and feed your kid ramen noodles, even if you did everything "right." But, if you need to do it, you need to do it. And you can. Even though it's scary.

It's smart to plan. You need to be able to provide your own income. Lots of folks will tell you that you will get child support, and maybe alimony, and he will have to support his child. The reality is that child support may be ordered, but it doesn't necessarily translate into money actually being deposited into your bank account.

Take a crack at drafting your own thoughts about what you think ought to happen with custody and support, splitting of assets, etc. If you can get him to see the light about getting divorced and can get to a table together with a mediator, it will be smoother.

I guess I just want to convey that even if it's really scary (it is), and even if it's really hard (it is), you can do it if you have to.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused about a couple things--you say you want another child with your husband, before it's over? Just wondering about the reasoning behind that. Remember, divorce is very, very difficult on kids. Not saying you shouldn't leave or have another child but...to simultaneously plan to have a nother child and plan to get divorced seems odd. I honestly think divorce is for when you either cannot stand to be with someone (they're abusive, having an affair and won't end it, have addictions, etc) and that would obviate having more children with them. OR, you suck it up and wait until the kids are grown and in the meantime time try your best to resolve things. But that is just my opinion.

My other question--is your husband actually having an affair? Or conducting inappropriate email flirtation? Its not clear to me. I mean,he sounds like an ass, but I can't tell what exactly is going on from your post.

Finally, I'd love to know what job comes with free childcare! But seriously, you will need to get a real handle on your finances. Are you working? how much do you make? If not, what are your financial prospects. Check out the various child support calculators and see what the guidelines are, but note that these are just that. And be prepared to split your time with your kids 50/50.

I'm sorry things are not happy. But I would seriously investigate alternatives before divorcing. HOw do you know he'd never go to counseling? What if the option were counseling or separation?

[Anonymous]

Are you on crack? You are already not a "lady" if you want to have another child with someone you have described as being so hateful -- and not a good mother, either. Sorry to be blunt, but doing that is unforgivable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
A friend mentioned getting a book that laid out plans for leaving a marriage. It involved getting a credit card so she would have a credit history after being a SAHM for ten years and other such practical things.

What else?

If I sound cold it's because I found out that my "DH" has continued a relationship with someone he swore to leave behind a year into our marriage. She's on his Facebook page: "Hi, Sexy!" And, he thinks this is okay.

My husband's response to any of my needs has been to shout out his own wants. I mention cutting off this woman, he demands that I cook more often. Like a fool, I think we've made a deal. I cook, and this woman pops up again and again. He thinks it's harmless and doesn't care about the shame it makes me feel or, frankly, what it may say about him as a man.

But back to the question at hand today. This marriage can't last. We have a young child. I would like to have another before this is over. DH is a great Dad, if you take how he treats DW (me!) out of the equation. I would also like to transition into a new job, one that comes with free childcare. I've actually been scoping it out. Other things: I want to be more social and spiffy myself up a bit, so that I won't be tempted to fall back into this "partnership" because life outside of marriage is scary.

He will NEVER go to counseling. He has not responded to tearful disappointment, shock, shaming, or loud, loud screaming. And, this woman is only one of the major issues we face. He is terribly critical of me (despite the fact that I am educated, good-looking, a hardworking Mom, and supportive wife). I saw that he had texted how "horny" he was the month our DC was born and was absolutely...there are no words. We'd been having enthusiastic, robust sex up until three weeks before I delivered our child! After all of the complaints I've seen on DCUM about entire pregnancies that go sexless or the first year of parenthood, I just could NOT believe the insult or ingratitude.

Oh god it feels good to say these secret things. I do such a good job of presenting a wonderful face to the world and DH is attractive and charming. No one knows how awful it's been to have been forced to live with multiple dealbreakers.

What sorts of things should I be working towards as I inch my way out of this relationship? We didn't sign a prenup before getting married. DH has strong feelings about never taking alimony, never even took the unemployment or tax incentive money he was entitled to, and is loathe to pay for an attorney so I'm not sure if anything needs to be done on that front. I'm not sure what other issues might come up for me or our children.

I welcome any savvy advice from those with experience in this sort of thing. How do I leave well?

Stop right there. Do not bring another child into this situation. I can't fathom that you are thinking that would be good.

I have no experience but my advice is, see a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused about a couple things--you say you want another child with your husband, before it's over? Just wondering about the reasoning behind that. Remember, divorce is very, very difficult on kids. Not saying you shouldn't leave or have another child but...to simultaneously plan to have a nother child and plan to get divorced seems odd. I honestly think divorce is for when you either cannot stand to be with someone (they're abusive, having an affair and won't end it, have addictions, etc) and that would obviate having more children with them. OR, you suck it up and wait until the kids are grown and in the meantime time try your best to resolve things. But that is just my opinion.

My other question--is your husband actually having an affair? Or conducting inappropriate email flirtation? Its not clear to me. I mean,he sounds like an ass, but I can't tell what exactly is going on from your post. Finally, I'd love to know what job comes with free childcare! But seriously, you will need to get a real handle on your finances. Are you working? how much do you make? If not, what are your financial prospects. Check out the various child support calculators and see what the guidelines are, but note that these are just that. And be prepared to split your time with your kids 50/50.

I'm sorry things are not happy. But I would seriously investigate alternatives before divorcing. HOw do you know he'd never go to counseling? What if the option were counseling or separation?

Ditto. What is he doing?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

He's sexting (sex texting?) women.

You know how some women are trapped by finances? I'm "trapped" by the idea of having another child. I never imagined having a single baby. Judge away. It's my Achilles Heel in this relationship. I'm almost forty.

Maybe I'm remembering how happy I was when we were pregnant with number one? Before I knew that he saw an old flame when he went to NY on a trip I arranged so he wouldn't lose air miles. Before I got onto Skype and got the attention of another woman, who was eager to chat with him, but got me by mistake. Before I realized that Boys Night Out always meant dancing and flirting with other women.

[Anonymous]

OP, FWIW, I knew my marriage was in serious trouble when I realized I wanted another baby, but not with my husband.

Turns out I have an only, and I count my blessings, but I get where you are coming from on that front. At some point I realized that it wasn't another baby I wanted so much as a do-over.

[Anonymous]

I understand and I went for the 2nd baby in a bad marriage. It was hard since husband left a few times when I was pregnant and then for good when baby was 9 months & older son almost 3 yrs. at times I worried what did I get myself into. But we- my 2 kids and I are doing great & they are so happy to have each other & I am thankful everyday I had the 2nd child. He is amazing. I would have always been sorry if I didn't have the 2 kids I wanted after enduring a crap marriage. They see their father & the situation is not ideal, ofcourse. I wish they had 2 parents living together. But we are all quite happy together. Both kids love having each other to play with and comfort one another. It's hard for sure but no question I made the right decision. The first year was v hard though, don't get me wrong.