Question about how/whether to help brother and SIL who are dealing with IF

[Anonymous]

My brother got married last year to a great woman; he is 38yo and she is 44yo, although the two of them are both strangely blessed with that kind of baby face and so they both look at least 10 years younger. My brother is the world's greatest uncle, my kids and my siblings' kids genuinely adore him and think he walks on water, and his wife is the same. They confided in me this summer that they had been hoping to get pregnant - they did IVF and had a m/c last fall. They asked me not to say anything to anyone else in my family, especially my other SIL who had one child successfully thru IVF but is as they pointed out quite correctly "very pushy." So I've kept quiet, and having had a m/c myself I've tried to be as sensitive as possible about all kid-related stuff.

I recently asked my brother if they were still hoping to have a family. He said that they had given up; insurance won't cover any more IVF because of her age, and he said they just don't want to put themselves through all the potential expense and heartache of self-paid IVF, donor eggs or adoption. Here's my question: should I encourage my father to offer them some financial support? He has more than enough money to help them out but is kind of clueless; if my mother were alive she would be handing them her bank account. My husband tells me butt out, they've made their decision and don't mess with their minds. And I certainly don't want to be the pushy sister on such painful territory. But I also feel like it is a tragedy if they make a decision based on finances when that financial picture could change very easily. Fwiw, my brother is the only sibling within driving distance to my dad, and since our mother died has visited him all the time and is much closer to him than anyone else. My dad would give him money in a heartbeat for something this important, but he's nearing 80 and his usual way with money is very much shaped by being a child of the depression. One complication is that if I told my father anything about their IVF and m/c, he couldn't be trusted to keep that secret. Sorry for the long post, but I'd love any advice on how to do right by my brother and SIL. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I would tell your brother that you realize that he and his wife's decision on having children is their business, but if the main issue is money, with their permission, you'd like to talk to your dad about funding their family building activity of choice. If the answer is "yes," your dad doesn't need to know about the past IVF or M/C, just that their options of having a family are limited now due to money.

[Anonymous]

Hm. I think you're heart is in the right place, but I think that this is too personal of a matter to get in the middle. I guess I'm thinking that if what your brother told you is TRULY the reason they don't want to continue trying and your father really could and would fund it, your brother probably will ask him on his own accord if he decides that what he wants. JMO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell your brother that you realize that he and his wife's decision on having children is their business, but if the main issue is money, with their permission, you'd like to talk to your dad about funding their family building activity of choice. If the answer is "yes," your dad doesn't need to know about the past IVF or M/C, just that their options of having a family are limited now due to money.

I agree with this. You should definitely not go to your dad w/o brother's permission. It's very sweet of you to think of them and want to help them in this way.

[Anonymous]

Agreed. I think the best approach is to ask your borther first. There may other reasons which they don't wish to share, and give him that out. Likely he has thought about this but isn't sure his request will be heard, so the support of a sibling would be helpful. Brother first; see how he wants to handle it; go from there (or not).

[Anonymous]

OP I just wanted to tell you how nice that is of you to want to help your brother and SIL like that. My SIL never even told us that she was sorry for our loss after our m/c. It has been a year and she never said anything to us except, " I can't understand why it is so hard for you to get pregnant, all my husband and I have to do is look at each other and I'm pregnant.". So hearing a story like yours just really warms my heart. Can I trade my SIL for someone as kind and caring as you?