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Secondary infertility and deciding between adoption or donor eggs
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Anonymous
| Has anyone found themselves in this place? I have a 2.5 year old and I have been unable to stay pregnant (4 chems). I am now considering adoption or donor eggs. There are definitely advantages of using donor eggs but I am a private person and I don't want people to know. On the other hand, if we go the adoption route, we have no control over prenatal care and I worry that the biological mom could return to claim her child at some point. Any insight is appreciated. |
Anonymous
| Not in your exact situation, but I am experiencing 2ndary infertility as well. All the test came back normal, I am 33 and have a 3 year old conceived without assistance on the first try. I have done one clomid cycle with timed BD and one IUI that failed. We decided to take a few months off. We are not sure if we will try IVF or adoption. I am going to take a break for a few months and not get into it, but if I am not pregnant on our own by summer then I will start researching both options. Good luck to you in your decision and sorry I could not be of more help. |
Anonymous
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I'm at the point of accepting that I will not be able to have a second child, and my choice is to find acceptance with just having one. It is hard, I've done a lot of crying and grieving. But I can't accept the cons of the other options (which you raised). I know others who moved easily to donor eggs to deal with secondary IF, but personally that isn't for me.
Hugs - its hard. |
Anonymous
| People will know if you do adoption too, maybe more easily than donor egg. I took a RESOLVE class in adoption / donor egg and found it very helpful. There are a lot of issues to consider - the invasiveness of adoption bothered us (you have to sell yourselves, let people into your home to judge you, etc.) and the cost of DE is very high. With DE you do keep it private until you tell (and they recommend telling your kid very young, like 2 or 3). My rec is to find more info about each b/c only the 2 of you can make a decision. FWIW, we're struggling but leaning towards DE. Our issue: some of my family members are treating adopted kids differently than non-adopted. So our thoughts are: if, after 3 years of dealing w/ our 2nd kid as not adopted, they learn what shouldn't matter to them anyway: they can either show their nastiness or shape up. And w/ any luck - if we go this route - our kids will be the ones to tell them. |
Anonymous
| We are dealing with secondary infertility and heading towards DE, I have been more accepting of this approach than my DH which I find hard to understand since it's still his DNA, but this is one of the many issues you need to discuss with a therapist or when attending a Resolve class. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks for the replies. Right now, I've decided to take a break from everything for a few months. I'm actually starting to lean towards raising a singleton. I've been beating myself up about not providing DC a sibling which I'm starting to realize is silly. After all, I have sibling who is three years older and we aren't that close. We were only close as very young children but our relationship began to deteriorate in the tween years. I actually think he had a negative impact on my development. As adults, I've reached out to him over the years and I've always been very generous to him, his wife and his kids but I've received very little in return. You never know which way a sibling relationship will go, even if the kids are biologically related. So, that's where I am. I'll probably change my mind again at some point. Good luck to everyone! |
Anonymous
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Don't understand why you think you can't keep DE to yourself. I have 3 by DE and no knows, even my mothr.
Good luck. You will know what is best for you family. |
Anonymous
| 22:57 - do you plan to tell your child(ren) that they were conceived via donor egg? I have one child via IVF, and think that if I were to go the donor egg route for a sibling (not sure if I will, I may just do the singleton thing), I might want to keep it a secret from everyone, including the child. Otherwise, won't the donor egg child feel like the odd person out, given the 100% genetic sibling? |
Anonymous
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I am going thru the same struggle. My life with one is so perfect - the only tough thing is being her costant playmate, but then I realize that this time is so short lived and I need to embrace it. And I am - I ignore laundry - cook more "fast and easy" foods, clean less and spend more time with her and we are having a blast. And - perfect timig - I met a woman at the playground and she is an only with an only - we connected and she has definitely put my mind at ease about grwoing up without a sibling. I keep focusing on the cons but she praised the the pros and it isn't that bad. Put it this way - she doesn't spend every waking minute of her life wishing she had a sibling. Once in a blue moon, she wonders about it, but it is more of a curiosity than sadness. Hanging out with her and her daughter - who is one year older than mine, was an eye opener. I thought about DE and adoption but adoption is such an emotionally long process with a lot of risks and I am not comfortable with DE - I have gone thru so much IF treatment, I can just deal with going thru it again during the DE process. And if it fails? I wouln't be able to handle that again.
My advice: stop focusing on what you interpret to be missing from your child's life. One day she may ask for a sibling, but she'll ask for a dog and a horse and a bucnh of other things you probably will need to say no to. There are more and more singletons in the world - it is the fastest growing segment so there are many others out there that choose one. Be strong, be happy and embrace what you have!!! |
Anonymous
| OP: Sorry I can't offer any insight/help, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My husband and I are also considering donor egg or donor embryo. After two years of failed IF treatments for TTC#1 (two IUIs and two IVFs while 41 and 42) and being told that we are too old for most adoption agencies, we have realized that what we want most is a just a healthy child and that we are fine with donor egg or donor embryo. We hope to start that process very soon... |
Anonymous
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We are in the same boat as PP. We looked into adoption and were "aged out" of most international adoptions and we really did not like the idea of an "open adoption," which is pushed these days. We felt that it was akin to deliberately taking on an ex-wife. in addition, the cost could end up much more than the shared risk program at SG. We chose to move over to SG and do their 3:1 shared risk program. I am getting all the preliminary stuff done now so we can start in January.
I liked the idea of being able to carry a baby, experience childbirth and nurse. I am very fit and healthy with the exception of the fact that I am 42, there is no reason I can't have a perfectly healthy pregnancy. |
Anonymous
No the OP but this is a really great post - Thanks |
Anonymous
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To PP 16:20:
Just curious if you found any other clinics in the Northeast/Mid-Atlantic area that have a shared risk program but offer a larger donor database than SG? I just signed on as a guest, and the list of donors at SG seems rather limited (especially if you are looking for a donor with Asian descent) Also, anyone with experience using frozen egg banks? Please share any stories you may have (positive or negative). Thanks! |
Anonymous
| SG has a good SR program but not a good supply of donors and I think that is because they a have a reputation of abusing their donors. I think the quality donors go to the boutique practices. |
Anonymous
You may want to just verify that you don't have an immune problem before considering a move to adoption or donor eggs. Immune issues are common as a secondary fertility issue (generally occurs when you have a DQ-alpha match w/ your husband) and can cause either infertility or recurrent miscarriage. The eggs are not always the problem, as many RE's would have us believe. |