Hubby's parents in the waiting room during labor

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I've been going back and forth with hubby about this and I'm trying to figure out if it's even worth making a big deal over it. A few months ago, hubby's parents let us know that they expected a phone call as we headed to the hospital so they could come down and sit in the hospital waiting room while I'm in labor. Hubby's aunt and uncle chimed in and said they wish to do the same.

This is our first baby, so I don't have a real frame of reference of what it's like being in labor, but my feeling is I would prefer that no one come to the hospital until after the baby is born and we are ready to receive visitors. My concern is if hubby's family is in the waiting room, he might feel distracted or obligated to go out and keep them informed when I really just need him in with me. It's also kind of a private time, in my opinion, and if my labor is long I'm thinking I don't really want to be visited by my in-laws in between contractions.

This isn't coming from a place of negativity - my in-laws are wonderful, supportive people and I know they are really excited over the birth of their first grandson. I have told hubby about my feelings and concerns and I wish I could say that's all it took to resolve this issue, but he does worry a lot about offending the family and telling them not to come to the hospital until we are ready for them. Apparently the waiting room is kind of a ritual for them and he doesn't want to deny them it. And while my in-laws are wonderful, they do get hurt feelings over things that are rather minor (in my opinion).

SO...I'm kind of stuck. Is this a battle worth fighting? If they wanted to be in the delivery room, that would be a NO WAY JOSE!!, but does it really matter if they are in the waiting room? Will I even notice if they are? Sometimes, I even think who am I to say people can't sit in a waiting room if they want? Still, I wish I was at least ASKED if it was ok if they were there.

Am I making a big deal over nothing? I would welcome some words of wisdom!
Thanks

[Anonymous]

I think a compromise might be to let them be in the waiting room & just have your husband agree (1) not to leave your side while you're in active labor; and (2) once the baby appears, let the three of you have as much alone time as you need before he goes out to invite them in. My delivery was so quick that my MIL arrived a couple of hours after the baby, and I was *very* glad for the time we had just the three of us. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

The PP did give a good compromise. But if knowing they are so close makes you uncomfortable, or if you think they are pushy and would try and come in to check on you, then you need to put your foot down. Labor is bad enough without additional stress. The fact is that you'll probably offend your in-laws alot once you have children (especially if they are super sensitive), because they'll have parenting suggestions that you won't follow and they'll probably want to be more involved than you want. But you have to do what you think is best for you.

[Anonymous]

I'd say don't allow it. I wouldn't even allow my husband to call anyone to tell them I was in labor. I didn't want the added stress of constant phone calls finding out my progress and people telling me what to do. Also, you'll probably want bonding time with your child after he/she is born. I think with all those people it would be hard to bond. Ask them to come a few hours after the birth or sometime the next day.

[Anonymous]

I would have loved to have had this "problem" -- my DH's father passed away while we were dating and his mother is a bit "off" (that's putting it politely) and when my DS was born, she was no where to be seen.....heck, DH even sent her a card and a picture a week after he was born and still... no response....

Let them sit in the waiting room -- no to the delivery room but I think it's fabulous that they want to be close when the newest memeber of their family arrives.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it! You will have a lot going on and don't want to be worried about anyone else.

I normally call my mom multiple times a day, but when the baby came, we decided to just go and not call anyone. It was a really special time for me and my husband together and we had such a fun surprise when baby was born! We had originally thought about having my folks wait in the waiting room, but I am really glad we did not do it. Next time, we will do it exactly the same. I was in labor for a long time and was glad not to have anyone else there to be asking how things were going or to be worried about us.

[Anonymous]

I have a different perspective...
We had about 15 family members in the waiting room while I was in labor with my first. I told them they didn't need to come, but everyone wanted to. I don't really know what they were doing out there, and I don't really care. We were all really excited about the new baby. Yes, my husband occasionally ran out to give updates (but only when I let him ). When I was in early labor, a few family members were in the l&d room with me, but when I really needed the privacy, I just told them I needed to be alone. I don't think my mother really liked that, but she got over it.

It is so nice now for my daughter to hear that the whole family came to the hospital for her. Her grandparents held her within minutes of her birth. It was a wonderful bonding experience for them and DD loves the stories and pictures of that special day. I was at the hospital when my nieces and nephews were born and I love telling them about those memories.

[Anonymous]

If you like your in-laws, I would graciously call them and tell them how happy you are they will be in the waiting room. They'll be happy, your DH will be happy and your child will get good karma from all the love surrounding him/her. This way all of you will always remember the birth as a happy occasion rather than a contentious one where people were hurt and upset.

[Anonymous]

If you do not feel comfortable with them in the waiting room (and I absolutely wouldn't either; I think it's completely unnecessary and a stressful distraction), either tell your husband to tell them that in advance (which he should do and they should respect) or just conveniently "forget" to call them until you are ready for visitors. They can't fault you or your husband for being caught up in the moment and failing to call (and if they do, they'll get over it and it's not your problem anyway).

[Anonymous]

I had exactly the same concerns, but it worked out just fine in the end. DH and I talked about it beforehand, and he agreed to stick by my side unless/until I gave him to OK to head out to the waiting room to check in with the parents. And as it turned out, once active labor started, his parents (and mine) were the last people on his mind. Labor has a way of focusing you like nothing else I've experienced!

Anyway, once our baby was born, the three of us bonded for awhile (15 minutes or so?) and then he went out to tell the parents the good news that everyone was healthy and doing well. He came right back in and we bonded some more. We eventually invited our parents in to meet our baby about an hour or so later. They didn't mind the long wait one bit -- they were just so excited and grateful to be included.

My bottom line: Follow your gut. If you think you'll be overly stressed out by having your in laws in the waiting room no matter what, just say no. With one look at their new grandchild (even if it's the next day), they'll get over any disappointment and everything will be fine. But also know that having them in the waiting room doesn't mean you have to short-cut your bonding time as a new family. They call it the WAITING room for a reason! Ha ha!!

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I'm the 19:58 poster. I forgot to add that my labor was 39 hours, though I was only in the hospital for the last 27 hours of that. Not that we have family in the area, but I can't imagine family sitting in the waiting room for that long. Go with your gut. My husband always told me he was going to call his parents when we were on our way to the hospital and I kept telling him that was the one thing I really did not want...but he kept telling me he was going to do it. In the end he didn't do it and that is the thing I am most thankful for with the birth of my son. Now I'm pregnant with #2 and I told him I really don't want anyone knowing I'm in labor and he has replied..."we'll see". Basically - he better not call ANYONE except our labor support team (our friends and neighbors that will watch #1 while i have #2).

Anyway, knowing that nobody was harassing my husband or expecting updates from him made me relax a little with my labor. I get stressed out very easily and I know if any family knew i was in labor I would have been experiencing tremendous stress on top of the tremendous pain (my family is the type to call every 2 hours for updates). I know your issue is with them in the waiting room, but to me the stress you are probably concerned about is equivalent to the stress i felt about family knowing I was in labor.

[Anonymous]

I posted previously and recommended against parents. Agree with some of the other posts about conveniently forgetting to call.

Also - you just never know what will happen during delivery. I had 4th degree tears (ouch) and they spent 45 minutes sewing me back up. During that time, baby was being monitored because she had a high fever. It was very nerve racking and I could not have handled family members, especially in-laws during this time. It was really great to have my mom there AFTER we got home from the hospital and to see in-laws a few weeks later. After birth, you have so many fluids coming out of all orifices, I would not have wanted non-blood-relatives in my home or nearby.

Good luck! Go with your gut! You know what will be best in your heart! And - no matter what you choose - go with it and don't second-guess your decision!

[Anonymous]

For me, going to the ob/gyn for an internal is super queasy for me so I was totally freaked out about a wannabe audience of inlaws during my throes of labor (DH's aunt is a nurse and lives locally...eek). So I definitely wanted L&D to be very personal with just me and DH and even minimal nurses (no interns, etc.).

Lo and behold, I had a relatively quick labor. Since I checked in at 6 am (darn, too early in the morning to call MIL) and delivered at noon we sorta got lost in the moments and were too "busy/distracted" to call. We were first time parents-to-be so simply being in a hospital was sorta new to us nevertheless the IV hookup (or whatever that was), paperwork, contraction intensity, fetal monitoring, etc.

MIL and company did get to see the baby fresh out of the oven - once me and the baby were presentable and in the post partem room. It wouldn't have made a difference whether they were waiting in the waiting area or not...they still got to see their grandchild.

good luck and early congrats.

[Anonymous]

Hanging out in the waiting room is a ritual for them? With the aunt and uncle too? They let you know that they expect a call? It is sooooo out of place for them to tell you that. I think that when they were in their childbearing years things worked differently--dad was less likely to be in the delivery room and there wasn't the emphasis on family bonding time that there is now. Maybe this needs to be explained to them.

If you're the least bit uncomfortable, I'd say don't call them. You don't want to start off letting them dictate how involved they are in your parenting decisions. Your husband needs to support what you want and get over being afraid to offend them, believe me, it'll happen at some point after the baby arrives.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, you're so wrapped up in what's going on (and as labor progresses your world gets much, much smaller) that you're not going to worry about them being in the waiting room (if you even remember). That's my experience anyway. But I had MIL and mom in the delivery room, by choice. And then everyone else in the waiting room. The only thing you may want to be cognizant of is how much time you want alone with baby and DH after delivery. I think it would be fairly easy to keep them out while you're recovering in the delivery room (with DH's cooperation), but harder once you're in the postpartum room. So if you're envisioning hours together, it may be harder. It seems like this is something you could work out with DH if you can get his full cooperation. But your statement that he's so worried about offending would suggest he's going to have the same concerns once they're there. So I think this comes down to whether you can get him on board. Good luck!