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Sensitivity to the IF friend (when you're Secondary IF)
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Anonymous
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So, I have a close friend who is dealing with IF. In the meantime, DH and I are TTC our 2nd child. Frankly, we are not having a very easy go of it, and though we've been trying for quite some time, we have not yet been successful. While I'm prepared to use ART if we decide that's the way to go, I am not ripped apart by the prospect of IF like my friend is about her IF. I feel very lucky to have our DS and if it is not in the cards for us to have a 2nd child, my DH and I have made our peace with that.
The problem is that my friend is someone who has become very bitter about her IF. And I find that I'm constantly walking on egg shells trying not to offend her with TTC talk. I worry that if I express to her my struggles, she'll find a way to make it about her and her own IF (since mine is secondary IF) or that if I express that I'm okay with the prospect of not having another, she'll be offended by that too... long story short, I feel like nothing I say or do is right. I also feel like if I DON"T say anything about TTC, she'll perceive that as me not sharing and will be hurt by that too. For those of you dealing with IF, what is the best way for your friends to address their own IF woes w/ you? Do you prefer they keep quiet or are you offended if they DON'T share? I just want to be sensitive to someone I care about. Thanks. |
Anonymous
| I've been struggling with infertility for almost 5 years with one miscarriage and I am getting bitter about my desperate situation. I pray to God to conceive just one child; I just cannot imagine having a complete childless life. So if I were you, I would not share your TTC struggles because chances are she will not understand you. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thank you for the honest response. I actually should mention that my friend has been successful with IVF and has a 1 y/o son. But, she still harbors a lot of anger. But either way, I should probably just keep my trap shut. |
Anonymous
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One of my closest friends struggled with secondary IF and was my greatest supporter during our TTC stuggles. She was a great listener...perhaps that's really what your friend needs. She was someone I could call and just cry or vent and she would listen and tell me I had every right to feel the way I did. She never compared our situations. You could try just giving her updates about your TTC path and share your feelings but also overtly tell her that your path is differnet than hers. It would probably be helpful for you to say that outright...I'm hurting and I know you are too....IF is different for everyone. Your future is not her possible future (possibly childless).
Whatever you do, please don't pull away. She needs (and you need) all of your friends now. |
Anonymous
16:32 poster here again. If she has a child already, then she is in a total different situation. She should definitely relate to you and your secondary infertility struggles. Just talk to her - I am sure she will be happy to open up. I wish I had a friend to share my journey with, but I don't. |
Anonymous
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OP - Basically I'm your friend. Well, not literally ... but you get what I mean.
Even after delivering my DD (IVF baby) this summer, I'm still incredibly bitter about my infertility. Having my daughter hasn't healed my heart in the least. I harbor a lot of anger towards "fertiles" and the fact that they've conceived easily and didn't have to go through the hell that I did. And honestly it's a weird place to be in. I don't want others to be infertile but I feel as though it's hard to relate to those who have easily conceived. Now if I had a close friend who was TTC#2 and was moving on to ART I'd probably be able to relate to that friend and would be happy talking about my IF struggles. I'd also be willing to share my ART knowledge in order to help a friend out. But I wouldn't have felt that way initially (before DD was born). In any regard, I'd love to meet your friend. She and I would have a lot in common. I haven't met anyone in the area that I can openly speak with and feel "okay" about being bitter. |
Anonymous
I'm bitter, too. You aren't alone. I would love to have #2 -am so grateful for #1 (IVF) -but feel like I have a hard time relating to people who conceived naturally. I am embarrassed to admit this to anyone, but I am comforted to learn I am not alone. I just get tired of people assuming that because we finally were able to have #1, that a second pregnancy will somehow be easy...currently on round 4 or IVF for #2. |
Anonymous
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OP,
Having gone through a long and difficult time trying multiple ART attempts for #2, and not needing it for #1, I don't think you truly understand what your friend's experience was. It is easy to say you'll do ART if you need to, but really difficult to keep doing it for a long time. If you haven't said this already, maybe your friend just needs to hear that you don't fully understand what she went through, but that you're sorry that she had to go through it. And maybe you need to be honest with her that you two should agree that your TTC experiences are different and that you shouldn't compare. |
Anonymous
OP here. I agree that I don't understand her experience. I can try and sympathize and be a friend, but of course, I can't truly emphathize, b/c I didn't go through it. And honestly, I don't want to compare our experiences. I don't need to win the tragedy olympics here. Mostly I'm worried that if I discuss TTC issues, she'll see it as me trying to make some kind of comparison where that's just not the case. I just want my friend, but I also want to be sensitive to her. |
Anonymous
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I'd let your friend take the lead here in what she does and does not want to discuss. I would probably keep quiet about trying to conceive unless/until you choose to start ART, at which point you might bring it up with her, acknowledging the difficulties that she went through, and asking her to share some of what she felt, if she was willing. but I'd make it about her, and not about you.
fwiw, I was the clueless mom who got pregnant unexpectedly before trying with #1. now that I'm dealing with IF for #2, I understand a lot more about what my friends who had trouble conceiving or who havent conceived have gone through--but there's only so much I can understand because I haven't been in the position of having to go through so much for #1, or in the case of one friend, having been through so much and still not successful. So I can imagine how difficult it is, but truly I have not walked in their shoes. Its a weird position to be in--you're grateful for #1 and how easy it was (in retrospect), somehow can't believe its not going to happen with #2, realizing how hard it is for your friends with primary IF, and still scared/nervous/sad about the situation you're in now--you feel both grateful and sad and guilty at once. |
Anonymous
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OP, I feel for you because this is a tricky situation. I used to be in your friend's position; conceiving my first was a 4.5 year struggle involving IVF, complications, m/c, etc. It was hard but I managed not to develop some of the bitterness and negative feelings towards others that some people do. It was no cakewalk--I definitely had desperate times. IF is a really tragic thing to go through when you see children all around, but it's also like any difficult situation, some people are going to take it better than others based on personality. This really depends on your friend's personality, not just her IF situation. Even at my darkest most negative times, I would not have begrudged you compassion or support just because you already have a child. I've been there with primary IF but I still don't get women who do that.
I currently have a situation where a previously close friend is not so close. When I was going through IF the first time she was quite supportive. She was also TTC and it hasn't gone well for her. When we finally had a baby it was very painful for her and for almost 2 years she acts as though DC doesn't exist. Now we are TTC again and it's not something I can speak with her about. Really this is her character, though, because even on non-fertility issues she's someone who has to be the sickest or to have gone through the worst and upstage anyone who says she's had it rough. Some people like to be martyrs and for her now the fertility thing is fuel on the fire. Again, I've been there--I know what it's like. And frankly, I had more complications and went through a higher level of physical hell compared to her, but I don't tell her that and I didn't let it define who I am. I had many friends/family who had babies (including easily, no fertility issues, health issues in child, etc.) and it definitely pulled on my heart strings to say the least. But I was always happy for them, engaged with the kids, etc. It's not their fault they didn't have IF and I would never take it out on them. |
Anonymous
| OP - I used IVF to conceive my first and am now doing FETs to try for a second. I can tell you that using ART for a second is WAY, WAY different than the first. Before the first, I was so incredibly stressed that I'd be childless forever. I was depressed, lonely, embarrassed, you name it. So, now I'm doing the same thing again (going to the RE, taking drugs, etc.), but emotionally I'm on a completely different plane. I'll be briefly sad, but totally ok, with one child. I am not overwhelmingly obsessed with my fertility like I was before. There really is no comparison, and perhaps it is the implied comparison that your friend is reacting to. I am happy that I'm not bitter like other PPs (though I understand it), but I would be upset if a friend TTC for their second equated their experience with mine. |
Anonymous
Well said, PP! I don't understand when people are getting all angry and obsessed when dealing with secondary infertiliy. They already have a child, so they should definitely have a more relaxed attitude. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you. And I agree. I wouldn't try to "equate" my experienes with hers (or anyones experiences, honestly). Though, it's a little hard to deal w/ the bitter attitude when my friend actually has a child. |
Anonymous
Actually, I am dealing with secondary infertility and I'm finding it a lot more difficult than primary. Sure, I have one child but now I'm afraid that I'm taking something away from my child's life by not providing her with a sibling. Also, for the sake of DC, I can't avoid play dates and other places where there are tons of newborns and pregnant women. I am the only woman in my playgroup of 10 who does not have a second child or is not pregnant. Can you imagine how awful it is when friends, family, even strangers constantly ask my child when I'm going to provide a "baby sister or baby brother"? Or worse, what it is like to have your child ask you why they don't have a brother or sister? I'm not saying that secondary infertility is worse than primary, it's just different. And until you have experienced it yourself, you don't know how heartbreaking it can be. |