blaming my husband

[Anonymous]

I know it's terrible, but I can't help but to blame my husband for my infertility problems. It started because he kept delaying when he felt 'ready' for a second baby. Then, he never felt 'in the mood' and couldn't perform even when I virtually begged him to give it a try. It turns out he has low sperm count, poor morphology and motility, so the doc said we'd need at least IUI for success. For the IUI's, he always way exceeded the maximum time you should allow between 'releases' before the collection (causing there to be terribly deficient numbers even for IUI) and now for the IVF, it seems like the eggs always are looking great up until day 3 (in other words, up until the maternal genes control development), Then when the embryo is supposed to take off, things slow. We're officially diagnosed 'male factor', but I'm the one undergoing all the procedures, and all the pain because of his deficiencies. I feel like a horrible wife---but I can't help but to think I should take him out of the equation and use donor sperm instead. Anyone feel similar feelings? Or am I just an awful person.

[Anonymous]

You're not an awful person; you're in an awful place. We deal with severe male factor issues. So severe that my DH has had three surgeries as part of our infertility journey, so about equivalent to my number of cycles. That has helped me emotionally. But many female friends have female factors and don't get the right kind of emotional support from their husbands who don't "get it" -- many of them end up depressed about things being their "fault." There aren't easy answers in any of this process.

I think it's important to get beyond fault and blame as part of your own journey. It's not productive. If you want a bigger family, then this is what you have to do to see if you can get there. I think we all have to come to a certain place of acceptance about that and make peace with it. No matter why you're in treatment, this is jointly your issue. If your husband isn't on board with that, then I think it's worth laying out some of these feelings to him and getting to the same page. You may find that he actually feels quite terrible about being the one at "fault" -- my DH hated that I had to go through what I did b/c of these issues. But he was also practical about it and we jointly decided it was worth it to try and have children.

Also have an honest talk with your RE about your options. We successfully used IVF/ICSI and I love that my DD has her father's adorable nose. It's kind of fitting and perfect after all that we went through.

[Anonymous]

I am in the similar situation. We are also dealing with the male factor only and yet I don't see my husband making a strong effort to a) lose weight, b) exercise on a regular basis (he is a total couch potato) and c) stop drinking alchohol. When we started trying, he had hard time performing and ejaculating during the fertile window.

I brought up the donor sperm, but he is totally against it (he'd rather adopt than raise a child that is mine, but not his). I don't advise going through IUI - it's almost as effective as the timed intercourse. Only women with incompetent cervix will benefit from this type of treatment. We will be going through our fourth attempt of natural cycle of IVF soon, but my hope to become a mother to my biological child at least is almost dead at this point.

[Anonymous]

This if 14:03 again. For both the OP and for 14:09, have you considered counseling with your spouses? We did even just some informal sessions with our pastor at the start of our journey and listening to each other talk about what we were going through was enormously important for getting on the same page. It made it into OUR struggle and OUR efforts in the whole process. Also, as I mentioned before, ICSI does really have pretty good results for severe male factor issues. We worked with Gindoff at GW, in part b/c we liked and trusted their lab director so much. (You want a fabulous lab for ICSI services.) It's just something to explore, in case you're not already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This if 14:03 again. For both the OP and for 14:09, have you considered counseling with your spouses? We did even just some informal sessions with our pastor at the start of our journey and listening to each other talk about what we were going through was enormously important for getting on the same page. It made it into OUR struggle and OUR efforts in the whole process. Also, as I mentioned before, ICSI does really have pretty good results for severe male factor issues. We worked with Gindoff at GW, in part b/c we liked and trusted their lab director so much. (You want a fabulous lab for ICSI services.) It's just something to explore, in case you're not already.

Counseling sounds like a good idea. However, with my hectic work schedule trying to fit in appointments at a fertility clinic, there's no time left for anything else.

[Anonymous]

First let me say that I think it is unfair to blame your husband for your infertility struggle. It is HARD being the person with the "problems" and the whole process is hard enough already without feeling like your spouse resents you.

That said, I would be pissed off if DH wasn't doing his part. We have mild male factor issues and my DH and I have worked it out so that even if we aren't being intimate, he is to make sure he keeps up with ejaculating every other or every two days to maintain good sperm quality so he is always prepared for when the RE tells us to trigger. We are both eating healthy, taking vitamins, laying off potentially harmful medications, alcohol, etc... and he is working out regularly. I couldn't go through all of my procedures knowing he wasn't doing his part and if it was really him and not me that needed the most "help" I would be doubly pissed off that he wasn't doing all he can. We had an agreement early on that if I'm going to go through these treatments, he's going to do everything he possibly can to improve his sperm.

I agree with pp suggestion of counseling. What's the point in all the fertility treatments if he's still giving you bad sperm? It sounds to me like he isn't taking this seriously. DH wants a baby as much as I do, so he is equally as serious about doing his part. Maybe you should consider taking a cycle off to go to counseling, work out together and make other necessary changes like laying off alcohol and get yourselves on the same page. Then start fresh as partners.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered that maybe he doesn't want a second child (or even first for 14:09)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This if 14:03 again. For both the OP and for 14:09, have you considered counseling with your spouses? We did even just some informal sessions with our pastor at the start of our journey and listening to each other talk about what we were going through was enormously important for getting on the same page. It made it into OUR struggle and OUR efforts in the whole process. Also, as I mentioned before, ICSI does really have pretty good results for severe male factor issues. We worked with Gindoff at GW, in part b/c we liked and trusted their lab director so much. (You want a fabulous lab for ICSI services.) It's just something to explore, in case you're not already.

Counseling sounds like a good idea. However, with my hectic work schedule trying to fit in appointments at a fertility clinic, there's no time left for anything else.

you need to take care of each other first, so any child can be part of a healthy family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This if 14:03 again. For both the OP and for 14:09, have you considered counseling with your spouses? We did even just some informal sessions with our pastor at the start of our journey and listening to each other talk about what we were going through was enormously important for getting on the same page. It made it into OUR struggle and OUR efforts in the whole process. Also, as I mentioned before, ICSI does really have pretty good results for severe male factor issues. We worked with Gindoff at GW, in part b/c we liked and trusted their lab director so much. (You want a fabulous lab for ICSI services.) It's just something to explore, in case you're not already.

Counseling sounds like a good idea. However, with my hectic work schedule trying to fit in appointments at a fertility clinic, there's no time left for anything else.

you need to take care of each other first, so any child can be part of a healthy family

I hate to be a debbie downer here, but I kind of agree with the PP's quoted above. I went through 3 years of infertility treatments, including IVF, and my husband was my biggest supporter. If you can't get your DH on board to even cooperate about the conception, you're in for a long, hard road when it comes to parenting. My DC is 3 months old (after my last IVF cycle) and I cannot even begin to imagine what things would be like if he wasn't so in love and helped with DC. Don't automatically assume that once your pregnant and the baby arrives that it will change your DH's feelings.

Seek help NOW before you have your successful cycle - otherwise you will resent your husband for the rest of eternity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered that maybe he doesn't want a second child (or even first for 14:09)?

OP, as I was reading your post, this thought is one of the first that jumped out at me. Is DH acting this way to communicate anything he is not saying?

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

His perfromance issues almost cretainly are connected to emotional issues. However, he may also have biologoical issues that vitamins (COQ10, Arginine, L'Carnitine) can help with, or perhaps sleep apnea, which is a huge drag on one's emotional health....plus it means less oxygen to your tissues.

Your husband may be embarrassed by what he sees as a lack of manliness or may as someone else suggested not be into a second child. he may also be suffering from depression, in which blaming him won't help (although I fully understand your frustration!!).

Fnally, IUI helps in several caes, not just incompetent cervix.