My mother is offended

[Anonymous]

My mother is upset with my husband and I that we would like to spend the first week alone with our baby, without having her here. She has already said that she will come home with us from the hospital. It seems that she won't be deterred.

Recommendation? Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Get used to having your mom be offended - nothing does that like a new baby.

[Anonymous]

OP here-thanks for that PP. I needed some levity.

[Anonymous]

Two is a couple, three is a brand new family, four is a nosy mom who doesn't know her boundaries.

You'll just have to be firm, but diplomatic. I definitely recommend enjoying the first few days as a threesome. Just hanging out, bonding, learning about each other, recovering, etc. Tell your mom this so she understands your point of view and doesn't feel that you are just being disrespectful to her.

If your mom is very insistent ask her to make meals for you or have a luncheon prepared when you get home, but then say you would like to rest, etc. after wards (i e meaning she needs to leave). Give her a call the next day to give her updates, ask her advice, etc. to make her feel involved and appreciated.


Not sure what type of a relationship you have with your mom so it is a little tough from a readers' point of view. Is she local?

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you need to set boundaries and totally understand your desire to take your baby home all by yourself.

That said, of course your mom wants to be there! Would it be OK with you if she came to the hospital to visit and meet the baby? I'm assuming she's out of town - maybe she could come in for just a day or two when the baby is born, and then leave and come back a week or two later.

That is exactly what we did. We wanted to share the joy, but didn't want anyone telling us how to do everything once we got home. At the hospital, it's really really nice to have some company, and you can limit it to just a few hours a day. But getting to hold a new baby is a precious moment for everyone, grandmas included.

[Anonymous]

Totally understand how you feel... Towards the end of my pregnancy I started to feel a little "territorial" (for lack of a better word) b/c it seems like everyone is just DEMANDING to see and spend time with your baby, and all I wanted was for everyone to back the (bad word) off.

That being said, my Mom did stay with us that first week (she doesn't live here) and to my utter surprise, she was AWESOME. She did all of the "grunt" work-- the cooking, cleaning, laundry. She let DH and I just hang out together with our son and didn't intrude. But when we needed some rest, it was nice having an extra set of hands there to help with the baby. Esp. when I needed the rest, and my DH appreciated having someone there with him since it was literally his first time holding a baby in his life.

Just my 2 cents... Try to be honest with your mom about what kind of help you need and you never know-- she may surprise you, and you may realize you need the help more than you thought. And as a postscript, when my son was 6 weeks old and the sleep deprivation was its worst, I called my mom crying and BEGGED her to come back to help me out. She dropped everything and came immediately, and I told her (jokingly, but not really) that with baby #2, she should be prepared to spend the first month staying with us.

[Anonymous]

You just need to tell her, not ask her, to stay away for a week. The first response couldn't be more true, the best mother and daughter relationships hit strains with a baby involved but the earlier you set boundaries the easier they are to enforce.

[Anonymous]

As a PP mentioned, it's hard to give advice when we don't know the closeness of your relationship with your mom. For me, I have a bit different perspective than the other posters.

I have an awesome relationship with my mom and was more than happy to share my new baby with her right from the beginning. My MIL is another issue. I simply do not like her very much. We are totally different people and she is very abrasive and was not the kindest person to my husband while growing up (he's adopted and she treated him differently and still does). I did not really want her around. However, I then decided that having a baby is a "family affair" and I allowed her whatever access she wanted. She gives advice and I smile and nod my head and then disregard it. I did find it a bit crowded and a little much at times, but in general I'm just happy my son has grandparents who care and love him and allowed everyone who wanted to share in his first few weeks. I think I helped start his life off on a positive foot.

[Anonymous]

Let her be offended. It won't be the last time, I can assure you. It is not about her and her desires, it is about you and your new family.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, my milk supply totally dried up at 4 weeks pp when my mother came to visit. Almost had to stop bf'ing altogether. Supply came back when she left.

So, there is no right answer here. There is only the best answer for you, your db and your dh. Do not underestimate the stress of those first 6 weeks and do everything you need to do to decrease, not increase, stress. The immediate postpartum time is NOT a time for people pleasing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally understand how you feel... Towards the end of my pregnancy I started to feel a little "territorial" (for lack of a better word) b/c it seems like everyone is just DEMANDING to see and spend time with your baby, and all I wanted was for everyone to back the (bad word) off.

That being said, my Mom did stay with us that first week (she doesn't live here) and to my utter surprise, she was AWESOME. She did all of the "grunt" work-- the cooking, cleaning, laundry. She let DH and I just hang out together with our son and didn't intrude. But when we needed some rest, it was nice having an extra set of hands there to help with the baby. Esp. when I needed the rest, and my DH appreciated having someone there with him since it was literally his first time holding a baby in his life.

Just my 2 cents... Try to be honest with your mom about what kind of help you need and you never know-- she may surprise you, and you may realize you need the help more than you thought. And as a postscript, when my son was 6 weeks old and the sleep deprivation was its worst, I called my mom crying and BEGGED her to come back to help me out. She dropped everything and came immediately, and I told her (jokingly, but not really) that with baby #2, she should be prepared to spend the first month staying with us.

Same here. I loved having MIL stay with us. She helped with the late night feedings and did other chores. How about having her come help when your husband goes back to work?

[Anonymous]

Both my mother and MIL were offended when we told them to stay away for the first two weeks. We let family come visit for a few hours on some days, but no one came to stay until DH returned to work. It worked out very well for us as I had additional helping hands for a good 4 weeks after DH returned to work.