Sister is dating an alcoholic; what to do?

[Anonymous]

My sister is 3 years older than me, and though we weren't close growing up, we have become extremely close as adults. She lives in the midwest, but we visit each other several times a year, and text/talk on the phone daily. She's 32, single, and a psychologist. I'm 35, a physician, and married with a kid (I got married at 31). To give some background, our father was an alcoholic. He went to rehab when we were in elementary school, but he intermittently had relapses and had to go back to treatment. My mother could never trust him because she was always scared that he would drink. There was obviously never any alcohol in the house, and we couldn't even keep mouthwash in the house because my mom thought he would drink it.

My sister, who is really the whole package (beautiful, thin, brilliant, hilarious, fun, sweet), has unfortunately dated the biggest losers ever. She just has bad luck when it comes to guys. About 6 months ago she met a bartender and totally fell for him; they moved in together a few months later. I was so happy for her. They made plans to go to Paris for Christmas and bought tickets and everything. My husband and daughter and I were going to go visit them in Indiana for Thanksgiving -- she was absolutely sure he was "the one" and wanted us to meet him. Then, a few weeks ago, things started to unravel. He started coming home drunk in the middle of the night after work -- not just mildly drunk, but falling-down, passing-out drunk. This happened a bunch of times, and she was concerned but talked to him about it and he said he'd stop drinking after work. Well, things just got worse from there. He didn't stop but started doing it MORE, and became belligerent and nasty, saying really mean things to her (which, of course, he couldn't remember in the morning). My sister called me crying several times. She decided to leave for a few days to stay with a friend, and when she came back she found empty alcohol bottles all over the apartment. When talking to some work colleagues, she found out that he had been banned for life (!!!) from some bars in Las Vegas because he had been very belligerent while drunk there.

She confronted him, and he admitted that he binge drinks and probably has a problem, but those are his demons, blah blah blah. My sister was devastated and decided that she had to leave. She moved out and found her own apartment, but she cried for the next 2 weeks because she had been CONVINCED that she would marry him. I talked to her every day and told her that she should be glad she found out this soon before they were married with kids, and that if she married him she'd be in for a life of misery. My sister is a really anxious person and I can't see her handling that situation well.

Fast forward two weeks, and she's avoiding my calls, texts, and emails. She is totally back together with him. I haven't spoken to her in over a week. She has sent some cryptic texts saying she's "figuring things out" but I know they are back together. I am so scared for her, frustrated, and disappointed. She's a PSYCHOLOGIST and she seriously thinks this guy is going to change? After seeing our own father and his struggles??? I know that he'll end up hurting her again (my husband thinks he may even become physical -- because he was VERY nasty and mean while drunk), and she will call me crying. I am honestly sick of dealing with the drama and doling out advice that she doesn't listen to. I'm not sure what to do. Should I just be there for her no matter what? I'm sick of dealing w/ the drama because she puts up with guys who are bad for her ALL THE TIME (in the past she also dated a cocaine dealer, a severely depressed person, and a guy who was secretly gay). I talked her through all of those bad relationships and it just pains me to see her do this again. She always complains that she'll never get married, but wastes YEARS on people like this when she could actually date a normal person who will treat her well.

I know I can't tell her what to do, but I can I back away from her, or would that make me a bad sister?

[Anonymous]

OP here, OOPS - typo above. She is three years YOUNGER. I am the older sister.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to take a stab here. She's a "saver" and that's why she chose the line of work she did. She was never able to have any control over her father and her home life growing up and now this guy is her chance to fix the damage she couldn't fix from her childhood.

She didn't think a BARTENDER might have some alcoholic tendancies? Perhaps some people can be blind or naive to things. But she's a psychologist with an intimate knowledge of alcoholism.

It's going to be really hard for you to influence her. Anything you say to her she already knows and doesn't want to believe. I would just advise you to keep the lines of communication up with her.

[Anonymous]

I'm that sister. Nothing anyone would say would make me get my act together. I knew it was wrong, but was in such a hurting place, I couldn't get out of it. My best advice to you is to set boundaries. You need to protect yourself emotionally in this situation. I really don't think there is anything you can to do help her through this. It's something she's got to do by herself. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you can do anything to help your sister-- she has to come to it on her own. But you can remain a safe place for her to fall when she inevitably does. I think you tell her only once about your concerns, so that they're on the record, and then you try to ensure that she's not afraid to come to you when she really needs it. At that point, maybe she'd be more receptive to an "intervention."

[Anonymous]

You have done what you can do but do not accept this as your problem because it isn't. You can be a shoulder to cry on for awhile but not forever or it will wreck your life and I know whereof I speak.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to run away

[Anonymous]

Oh OP I am so sorry. Keep reaching out to her and encourage her to get into therapy. This is super self destructive behavior on her part, and this latest guy sounds scary to the point of dangerous. Are you in touch with her friends? My best friend from college is like a sister and she was a variation on this theme, brilliant, gorgeous, desperate to marry and yet would date all the wrong people. It was hard to be her friend for a long time. She finally found the one! He's a sweetie. So, there is always hope. Do you what can to support here and encourage serious therapy. This is a terrible pattern she's in. Hang in there. Keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to take a stab here. She's a "saver" and that's why she chose the line of work she did. She was never able to have any control over her father and her home life growing up and now this guy is her chance to fix the damage she couldn't fix from her childhood.

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure on the saver idea. There is another theory, that psychologists go into the field to figure themselves out. It sounds like OP's sister needs to do that. Saving can be more subtle than what OP's sister's history suggests. Savers will date the new fellow in town, the fellow coming off a bad relationship or a layoff. Binge drinkers and coke dealers is not saving in the conventional sense, it's sounding like reckless endangerment.

[Anonymous]

My sister has a similar history of finding terrible men. The first one beat her, it took her way too many years to leave. That caused a huge rift between us because I couldn't understand why she would go back to someone who treated her like that. Her latest was a recovering smack head. Nice. I didn't say much, but offered my sympathies when she found out he was using again. He's gone now, too. I feel like she has learned and am hoping she will make better choices next time. Her priorities in life have definitely changed for the better since he left.

Talking to her, yelling at her, literally jumping on her husband when he raised a hand to her..none of this did anything other than to drive us further apart. She had to come to it on her own.

It's like talking to an addict, only her addiction is to asshole-ish men.