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does your DH have a "mancave"?
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Anonymous
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My DH is freaking out lately because he thinks I'm trying to overtake his "space" which is "our" basement. Frankly, it is a disaster. He's a packrat. And now, I happen to be working from home 80-90%, and guess what? Our desk and computer are in the basement. So, while I've spent the last 5 years of our marriage virtually ignoring this entire floor of our house, avoiding conflict, it's now in my face every day. I'm fine with sports memorabilia on the walls, non-feminine decor. But the trash and the junk, and wall of jumbled electronic cords is too much. (Seriously, I'm thinking of sending a picture of this to Nate Berkus.) And of course, nothing is actually "filed" it is piled. Piles everywhere.
This isn't huge news to me - DH's apartment when we met had a lot of these issues. And now, with a baby on the way, I'd actually like to be able to use this space in a more functional way than a catchall. And, I'd like to not have to feel claustrophobic during my workday. And I've tried to make the case that if, heaven forbid, something happened to him, I wouldn't be able to find a darn thing down here because it is such a mess. He says he feels overwhelmed and pressured that I am trying to take over his "only space in the house." I'm trying to be productive in these conversations, and not flip out, but it's hard with these hormones! Is this "mancave" thing really necessary? How do I convince DH that it's time to purge and get, somewhat, organized? |
Anonymous
| OP here - Oh, and I should mention - we live in a TH, not a McMansion. It's not like I can just move the desk, and not like we have gobs of space we could use otherwise. |
Anonymous
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That's not a mancave issue. That's an organization or pac rat issue.
What if you start out by promising him that nothing has to be thrown out (yet) but things need to be organized. Buy zip ties to detangle and organize power cords, acordian folders to store papers, etc. Don't go overboard at the Container Store or anything, but just simple things to get the basement under control. Maybe once he sees the light at the end of the tunnel without being threatened, he can make more progress. I would hold off on the "purging" for a bit. Ease him into this. It's clearly threatening to him, either to his individuality, his manhood, or whatever. |
Anonymous
| Introduce him to itsdeductible.com. It tracks your charitable donations for tax season. When he realizes that those excess cords and transformers (got any of those?) and bowling trophies have a value, you can persuade him to start a donation bag for Goodwill or wherever. Everybody loves a tax deduction. And this lets him use software in the process! Men love software. It's a win-win. |
Anonymous
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We live in a 2br apt with a den. the den was originally DH's office/library but then, 2 kids later, it became more of a toy storage area. He has recently decided to reclaim his mancave. He cleared out some of the toys, organized the shelves, bought himself a big screen tv for the wall, and is replacing our old fabric sofa with a sleek leather couch. He also claims he's getting a PS3 but since we already have a Wii, we'll see if that will actually happen.
I monopolize the tv in the living room, so I really cant blame him for wanting his own space. |
Anonymous
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Exact same situation-- the whole basement is Man-Land, and our desk and computer are down there.
I don't work from home, but I do use that computer. I just suck it up. I get annoyed at the cords and the junk, but it's his space. I wouldn't let him get on my case about the clothes piled in the bedroom, or the craft project strewn all over the kitchen table. I'll get around to it, and it wouldn't help if he nagged me about it. Can you get a laptop from work, and use the dining room table or something? If not, I would inform him that you will be tidying that ONE corner of the basement (where the desk is) and tell him when. Say you'd love his participation, but that you can do it yourself if you have to. I frankly like having a mancave in the house. If he didn't have his own space, his stuff would take over the rest of the house, as it did in previous places we've lived. He's an academic, so the books and articles multiply like bunnies. I'm glad they're all in one place, because I know they're unavoidable. |
Anonymous
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A mancave was important to my DH. I had some artistic input (it was a no to otherwise) but it is "his" in the sense that it has the TV, Bar, Air Hocky, etc. etc. We use it for parties but it is mostly "his" area. Fine.
We did some addition work on our home recently. I put dibs on an office that is "mine." (Of course he is free to use it but it is mostly "my" place . . . for my hobbies, my work (I telework), etc. When I started referring to it as such "my office" that provoked a reaction along the lines of "oh it's your office?" When I pointed out "his room", which is far larger than mine and unless we'd be doing some remodeling down there that more suited my taste, he should button it. He did. We both like to have our own space but it has to be within reason. |
Anonymous
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My husband has a mancave....when he's bad, I say "go to your room"
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Anonymous
| My DH has one in the basement too. Our house is not that big but our DC is little and needs to be on the same floor as me anyway. I told him that he will eventually share or loose that space when we have our second and the house gets overrun by kid stuff. |
Anonymous
| To the ones who DO have a mancave- I don't get it. Do you have a "womancave"? Why does one spouse get a special space if the other doesn't? |
Anonymous
I have the rest of the house, though I share most of it with the kids. I get quite snitty if my husband leaves work papers on the kitchen island-- they mix in with MY work papers, and my coupons and the kids' artwork. That's MY space. Ditto the coffee table, the hall table, and the bedroom floor. Mine. Also, we have a basement bathroom, which is HIS. I don't clean beard trimmings off the basin, and he doesn't dig long hair out of the drain. He doesn't have to hunt for his deodorant in my cosmetics basket, and I don't have to look at his goopy speedstick. I can live with a tub full of toys MUCH more easily than an insufficiently-rinsed sink. And it's not as if he's not sharing his space with the kids, too. Basement is his, first and second floor are mine, the whole house is theirs! They're kind of like cats that way. 
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Anonymous
| Get a laptop. |
Anonymous
I don't understand this either, especially if you work from home. Home office space seems much more important than a space for DH to just take over and be a slob. The only time I've ever understood is the arrangement our good friends have. Her DH is a sports fanatic for his alma mater. He has tons of stuff with the team logo and he watches every baskteball and football game with intense passion. They created a man "area" in their finished attic. Half is shared with his 3 daughters as their playroom and is decked out in pink, barbies and unicorns. The other half is his full of his sports stuff. She sends him there to watch games and he can yell at the tv as much as he wants. But, they also use the tv area to play family games like american idol or watch movies with the kids. So it's not a space just for him, but he gets first dibbs when a game is on and a place to put all his sports stuff and the entire family benefits from the big tv and comfy couch. |
Anonymous
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DH doesn't have a mancave, but I have a studio/office/workspace. It's absolutely necessary
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Anonymous
| In a word, no. Small townhouse, two kids. All of the the house is "our" space. We don't kick each other out of anywhere. |