how to stop sibling fights

[Anonymous]

I have two boys, ages 5yr and 3 yr. Recently they have stopped getting along (no catalyst that I can see) and I just have to separate them all of the time. if I don't, within 30 minutes they are at each other's throats. they used to wrestle and enjoy it with some boundaries, but now I can't even let them wrestle because they are so mean about it. it is so frustrating to me and I don't know how to stop it.

they don't do screens outside of an occasional movie, they are both involved in activities classes like swim and t-ball, and we emphasize pushing them outdoors.

anybody btdt and have a good solution? I'm at my wit's end. they used to play together so well and this is making me so sad (and unbelievably frustrated that they have to be supervised at all times again)

[Anonymous]

They may be in a phase with this right now and you will have to just keep them apart.

When you want to change a behavior you have to name it, so I would talk to them separately about each one’s point of view. Even when they are young they will have some thoughts. Just listen and don’t rebut their feelings.

You want to listen for themes, like taking turns or not sharing.

Then you can talk to them together and emphasize that brothers should always have each others’ backs.

Then you can work with them to set a goal, like playing in the same room with separate toys for a set period of time. Make it something you think they can do now so you can be sure they get the reward, which you will tell them about ahead of time so they know what they are working for. Then as soon as they have earned it, give it. Maybe a jar of bubbles each, or a Matchbox car, or an ice pop. Praise them and put a star on the fridge on a piece of paper. Then do it again in the afternoon.

You want success and visual stars to build up so they think of themselves as kids that can play nicely together.

If they aren’t successful, then you separate them and don’t go overboard scolding. Try again later.

Meanwhile, you try to play with them, take them places where there are other kids or activities so they aren’t stuck with each other all the time. Developmentally, the phase will pass.

[Anonymous]

They are starting to get territorial. Take them outside of the house to somewhere new where they can team up to explore together.

Or have the two boys wrestle one parent so the boys can team up against the parent. Any activity where the boys can join forces will be a productive one.

[Anonymous]

Encourage parallel play. Encourage them to do a project for you that takes teamwork.

[Anonymous]

Give them gloves.

[Anonymous]

Three young kids with similar issues ,although its 2 teaming up on one (the combo of which varies). Things that i have done with some success include heavy praising for any behavior that supports them playing together such as praising being good at taking turns, using words to say" I dont like what you are doing" or walking away instead of hitting, and praising when one willingly plays the way the other wants to. I have also been finding ways for them to be a team against me such as challenging them to all get to the car and buckled up before me rather than saying who can get in the car and buckled up first. I have also let them know if they cant work something out, they can come get me to help problem solve rather than fight.

[Anonymous]

Have you read “Siblings Without Rivalry”? It’s the classic book on the subject. I highly recommend it.

[Anonymous]

What has worked best for me is mandatory resets alone in their rooms if there is fighting. Only one warning. Mine have a 3 year gap and the younger has a silly personality that easily crosses into annoyance territory. The older is a little bossy and gets fired up.

I had to get much much stricter. I decide the mood of the home. If you’re wrecking my atmosphere? You play alone in your room for at least a half an hour.