Haven't seen family in 8 1/2 years

[Anonymous]

I have not seen my adoptive parents in 8 1/2 years at this point. We are low contact and it's normally only if I contact them first. They are divorced and remarried. My fiance died in an accident in 2018. My adoptive mom treated me as an inconvenience during this time. My adoptive parents are divorced. I have many siblings, both adoptive and step siblings. My adoption was closed (I had two older sisters and I was with them until 3 years old. My adoptive mom pushed for the closed adoption including cutting off contact with my siblings who were the exact same ages as my adoptive brother and sister. I am the youngest. All of siblings are married with kids, some on their second marriages.

In the time since I have seen my parents, my fiance died suddenly and tragically, I moved back to the US, and I obtained a master's degree.

Growing up I did not get in trouble. I was involved in extracurricular activities and made decent-good grades, but I struggled with depression and anxiety. I talked back to my mom a lot when I hit the teenage years. She would hit/slap me across the face as hard as she could. She would throw my clothes out onto the driveway and tell me to just go move in with my dad. (I had to go to his house every other weekend. His wife clearly did not want me there and she was a clean freak so I had to constantly be hypervigilant about getting anything out of the pantry, having a snack, etc. I could not even leave a droplet of water by the sink or she'd start acting passive-aggressive and angry and start slamming things).

My adoptive mom was also very emotionally abusive to me at times growing up. As a teen I would sometimes lament that she didn't understand what it was like to have divorced parents and have to go back and forth the way i did. She'd slap me across the fact and say "Well you don't know what it's like to bury a baby." I always felt like she resented me and wished she could have the baby and not me. At one point due to being put on random SSRIs as a teen, I had confided in a friend that I was having thoughts about harming myself. My stepdad, a doctor, sat down with my mom and had a talk with me and they basically yelled at me. He said "I care about you, but sometimes I really don't like you." That s*** stays with you. I was not trying to cause problems! I was a teen struggling.

I feel like such a failure because I do not have kids and I am not married. I recently saw some photos online by looking a relative's instagram. It was my family - mom, stepdad, all of my siblings, and my nieces and nephews on a family vacation that occurred about 2 years ago. My mom and stepdad have regularly taken my siblings on vacations that I was never included in. They also always included the siblings' spouses and significant others before they were married. I knew this and had accepted it the best I possibly can.. but it always hurt me. But seeing these pictures with my nieces and nephews in them hit me so hard and I have been depressed -- deeply depressed ever since seeing the pictures. I have not said anything to my parents. No one knows I have seen this. I poured a lot of love into my nieces and nephews and was involved in their lives a lot. After my fiance died, I was living far away from everyone and I did not return home to visit. And entering into graduate school and then having to complete post graduate stuff (I gained a healthcare related clinical license that had additional requirements)... I was just trying to survive day to day.

I've come to the conclusion that I think my parents hate me. Or deeply dislike me. It has been causing me so much grief. It also hurts because the message it sends to everyone who married into the family that I am not there... it must say like "Oh, no one likes her. She's not wanted here. Something must be wrong with her." It's just horrible.

My parents don't take an interest in my life. They don't ask questions about me. They don't know where I work, what I spend my time doing, or much of anything about my boyfriend who I have been with for over 6 years. They probably couldn't tell you the name of a single one of my cats or dogs. But they are so involved with my siblings. I am afraid to visit the state I am from. The last time I was there, I had to stay in an airbnb when both parents have large homes with many bedrooms. My siblings stay at their homes.

I'm considering going to counseling because of all this. I have been devastated for weeks now.I wake up and go to sleep thinking about it and cry almost every day.

[Anonymous]

Therapy to accept the situation for what it is and so you can move on w your life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy to accept the situation for what it is and so you can move on w your life

+1

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. They weren’t capable of loving you the way adoptive parents should. And I’m so sorry about your fiancé too. I hope you can work on healing so you can surround yourself with people who do have love to give.

Have you considered 23andme to find your biological siblings?