9 year old DD emotional meltdowns
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Anonymous
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My 9 yo/almost 10 yo DD has ADHD. We've struggled with her over the years but she's now doing really great at school and socially. At home though she is a nightmare and ruining our lives. She has emotional meltdowns over nearly everything -- I mean screaming at the top of her longs, laying on the floor crying. The most over the top meltdowns you can imagine over almost everything -- she was served a peach with dinner, her pancake was cut in half, the swimsuit she wants is dirty, etc. And when she is not screaming and crying she is being rude and sassy to everyone. This got really bad over the last year. Before that we've had other issues with her but the constant meltdowns and constant sass is new.
Is this just typical tween girl behavior on steroids because of the ADHD? I'm at my wits end. |
Anonymous
| OP, does OCD run in your family by any chance? It can cause kids to have epic meltdowns and act aggressively. It took us a year and a few therapists to figure out our DC had it, but they got much better with evidence-based therapy and SSRIs. Just a thought—it runs in families. I’m sorry, what you’re going thru is hard. |
Anonymous
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This sounds a bit like my DD with ADHD who is the same age. I've noticed that the emotional dysregulation at home has been picking up the last 6 months or so, and I think it probably has something to do with pre-puberty hormones. And/or maybe her medication is losing efficacy as she grows. But regardless, the days that she gets lot of physical exercise, good sleep and healthy foods are much better. So, I'd start there to see if that helps the meltdowns.
When my DD has a meltdown, I use as few words as possible when I respond her and I lay out the consequences if she chooses to continue. Arguing and negative attention is exactly what she wants in those moments--it's like her dopamine hit. For example, DD melted down over the fact that DS got a birthday gift from a relative a week before his birthday (this actually happened just a few days ago). She was all upset and declaring that no one loves her because she doesn't get early birthday gifts, why does he get one he's such a bad brother, we are terrible parents because she doesn't get early gifts, etc. I calmly told her that his birthday gift has nothing to do with her, that it's ok if she's feeling jealous but it's not ok to be rude, and we don't treat each other that way. She continued to carry on and I turned to do something else. After a few more minutes of her continuing to meltdown and getting ruder, I calmly repeated that it's ok to have feelings but if she continued being rude and hurtful, she would lose privileges (and I told her which specific ones she'd lose). I then went back to ignoring her. Eventually she gave up and calm was restored. This is my approach every time she melts down. Once she's calm, she'll often apologize. I'll talk to her about other ways she can handle those big feelings when they come, and reinforce that she can't treat people like that. It's unkind and people don't want to be around someone who treats them badly. I tell her that I know she doesn't act that way at school, and that's because she knows it's not ok. It's not ok to do it at home either. I'm basically trying to get her to understand the consequences of her actions, and how she can pause and choose a different path before damage is done. Sometimes she isn't able to get it under control, and then I have to carry through on whatever privilege I said I'd revoke. The meltdowns still happen, but they are less frequent and for a shorter duration. She's able to get back on track much more quickly than she used to. But man, it is SO HARD to stay calm and collected in the midst of a tornado. I'm not a very patient person and it's been a struggle for me to check my own reactions and model the kind of behavior I'm trying to teach her. |
Anonymous
| Who’s going to tell OP? Probably autism. It presents differently in girls and she may have been overlooked. |
Anonymous
This is certainly a possibility, but I have a DD who manifests similarly and she is definitely not on the spectrum. For her it is ADHD inattentive with high irritability and anxiety — but we are also exploring OCD through testing. Sorry, OP, it is not easy when a kid thrives on conflict. They don’t love the way they feel either, though. Therapy is helping us to understand that and develop new strategies for interacting. |
Anonymous
| Don't give her attention when she does this. Just walk away when she lays on the floor screaming. |
Anonymous
Why are people so quick to diagnose autism? Emotional dysregulation is a core ADHD symptom. ADHD itself is a self-regulation disorder. It's well documented. |
Anonymous
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I recommend checking out Dr. Dan Shapiro’s website and his classes.
https://www.parentchildjourney.com/ |
Anonymous
| These all seem like things that are happening to her, that she has no control over, but that she could have some control over. Does she want to serve herself food, cut her own pancake, sort her own laundry? My DD who also has ADHD likes to have a bit more say in things. Or at least, if she wants her pancake cut up, she wants to ask for it and not have me automatically do it for her. |
Anonymous
| What Pp Is describing (and I have found helpful too) is called emotional co-regulation. It’s exhausting for the parent but it really works to avoid feeding the meltdown and accidentally encouraging more. |
Anonymous
| On a related note how tf do you stay calm during these (somewhat absurd) meltdowns? I have a hard time with this. The first few minutes I can be empathetic and calm but eventually i want to scream. |
Anonymous
I often walk away. I usually say something before I do, like that I am going to take a break, or I’ll come back after they have calmed down, etc. But I don’t keep talking to them and try to empathize etc when they are disregulated. That never helps. |
Anonymous
| I have a similar dd and try to employ a similar strategy. I get tripped up on what to do when she is breaking down and her other siblings are around and getting agitated from her whines and screams. I can ignore but it feels unfair to have the other kids have to sit through the ridiculousness too. |
Anonymous
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You need to look into 123 Magic. You need to set consequences in writing ahead of time. And all the other things that posters above said. If I were you I would get a parenting therapist to help you.
I’d also get a notebook and every single time after one of the meltdowns when she is calm, I’d sit down with her and put in writing what the trigger was, like the pancake, then what she did or said, then what the consequences were. Also have her tell you what the other people in the house were likely thinking or feeling. This has to be done when you are also calm, and in a supportive way, so that she gets to say her side and you help her see the other side, and then over time you can see patterns, time of day, etc. The next part is that you write down what she can do that is a better choice should the same feelings arise. It’s a lot to do, but it does work over time. |
Anonymous
This is not normal for children that age, not normal for ADHD kids, and definitely not normal for an ADHD girl of that age. There is something else going on - severe anxiety, severe OCD, or in many cases ADHD + Anxiety + OCD = Autism. But if she and the other posters prefer the à la carte approach to diagnosis so be it. |