Resources for dads supporting depressed teen?

[Anonymous]

My husband has been deployed for the last year and is returning home soon.

While he was away our teenage son has really struggled with anxiety and depression. He has a good care team and is slowly improving, but it will be a slow process as he doesn’t tolerate medication.

I am looking for resources to share with my husband so he can be as prepared as possible to be supportive.

Reintegration is always tough, and I am getting some vibes like when dad’s home he plans to snap everyone back into better routines.

Dad has not been interested in meeting with the counselor and we are about to move again, so lots of transitions on the horizon.

[Anonymous]

If you don't get good military family responses here are there other boards?

[Anonymous]

I would highly recommend that you get boundaries negotiated before the return. Regarding your husband's expectations.

If he wants your kid to do more chores and more exercise, then work out with your DH what the proposals/expectations are that he has in mind. Maybe you can figure out some win-wins. Like every other Saturday, dad and kid will do lawn chores together. And every Thursday night, they will do 1:1 basketball or lift.

If dad just arrives to reassert high expectations or to force your kid to leave the house more, that's going to be a flashpoint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't get good military family responses here are there other boards?

I haven’t found any that have been nearly as helpful to me over the years as this one.

While the military angle complicates everything, I think the “dad as fixer” energy is more universal.

DS also has ADHD and dysgraphia, so we’ve navigated those challenges. But they were more clear cut with regard to the appropriate interventions and seeing results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would highly recommend that you get boundaries negotiated before the return. Regarding your husband's expectations.

If he wants your kid to do more chores and more exercise, then work out with your DH what the proposals/expectations are that he has in mind. Maybe you can figure out some win-wins. Like every other Saturday, dad and kid will do lawn chores together. And every Thursday night, they will do 1:1 basketball or lift.

If dad just arrives to reassert high expectations or to force your kid to leave the house more, that's going to be a flashpoint.

Thanks for these suggestions- they are really helpful. I think having a concrete plan is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

I mean — can you straight talk with your husband and tell him that swooping in as fixer will be the opposite of fixing things? And then brainstorm with him ideas of things that might actually be helpful.

I’m a believer that dads have an equal vote. But the unfortunate consequence of his profession is that he has missed a lot and swooping in thinking he will save the day is going to backfire. I would straight up tell my hsuband this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean — can you straight talk with your husband and tell him that swooping in as fixer will be the opposite of fixing things? And then brainstorm with him ideas of things that might actually be helpful.

I’m a believer that dads have an equal vote. But the unfortunate consequence of his profession is that he has missed a lot and swooping in thinking he will save the day is going to backfire. I would straight up tell my hsuband this.

Yes, this is definitely part of the plan.

But I have learned over the years that an outside expert/ authority makes faster progress than I do. For example, Dr Shapiro’s parenting classes had a much bigger impact on his parenting than my explaining Dr Dan’s book/ approach.

I was hoping someone here had found similar resources talking about managing teen boy depression.

[Anonymous]

I strongly recommend your husband (and you) take the NAMI Basics class. It offers a good foundation of information about mental health disorders, as well as info about effective communication, what various providers do, various kinds of therapy, legal and educational issues, etc. It's often better if this information comes from a reliable 3rd party with no treatment interest in your child. It can give you an agreed upon factual foundation to talk about how to handle issues.

Also look at PEP parenting classes for an alternative to the authoritarian parenting style, which IMO is not helpful and in fact counterproductive with children with mental illness. Or maybe you think Dr. Dan's parenting is working for you. YMMV on parenting style that works for any individual kid.

Also, TBH, I think having a therapist lined up that you and he can jointly talk to when you have issues about how to help your kid can be helpful.

Do you have a 504 or IEP for your DC? School can be a big source of anxiety and depression, even at quite a young age.

Finally, you said he "doesn't tolerate" medication. There are many, many medications and kids change a lot as they grow. Work with a psychiatrist who is willing to systematically try different classes of medication and different way s to take them -- immediate release, extended release, in the morning, in the evening, in combo with another med, whatever. It can take a lot of experimentation to find a helpful medication plan, and then, with kids, boom -- they grow and you might have to tweak or start over. Many people can not recover from depression without meds or just with talk therapy. (Not to diminish talk therapy, it has a very useful role, but for a significant number of people it is not enough by itself.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I strongly recommend your husband (and you) take the NAMI Basics class. It offers a good foundation of information about mental health disorders, as well as info about effective communication, what various providers do, various kinds of therapy, legal and educational issues, etc. It's often better if this information comes from a reliable 3rd party with no treatment interest in your child. It can give you an agreed upon factual foundation to talk about how to handle issues.

Also look at PEP parenting classes for an alternative to the authoritarian parenting style, which IMO is not helpful and in fact counterproductive with children with mental illness. Or maybe you think Dr. Dan's parenting is working for you. YMMV on parenting style that works for any individual kid.

Also, TBH, I think having a therapist lined up that you and he can jointly talk to when you have issues about how to help your kid can be helpful.

Do you have a 504 or IEP for your DC? School can be a big source of anxiety and depression, even at quite a young age.

Finally, you said he "doesn't tolerate" medication. There are many, many medications and kids change a lot as they grow. Work with a psychiatrist who is willing to systematically try different classes of medication and different way s to take them -- immediate release, extended release, in the morning, in the evening, in combo with another med, whatever. It can take a lot of experimentation to find a helpful medication plan, and then, with kids, boom -- they grow and you might have to tweak or start over. Many people can not recover from depression without meds or just with talk therapy. (Not to diminish talk therapy, it has a very useful role, but for a significant number of people it is not enough by itself.)

Thanks for the NAMI reference- I had taken that years ago and forgotten about it.

We have a good psychiatrist and have been trialing different medication types/ dosages etc for 2 years now.

And school has not been helpful as he is not having academic difficulties, he just has a 504. But the social anxiety from school is a huge part of this.

It’s all just sad and hard.