Death of friend's mother

[Anonymous]

My 12 year old's very close friend just lost his mother unexpectedly on Mother's Day. The boys are in the 6th grade. I am friendly with the father but not close. We text when the need arises, and we chat at shared activities. They are active members of their country of origin's community here in town, so I believe that village will have culturally appropriate meals covered.

Other than go to the memorial service and a general, unspecified offer to help (which I know is actually not helpful), what should we do that would be at all helpful? The boys are in similar activities, so I can offer rides to activities. I can offer care when the dad has something to attend to. I can offer that this child can come over after school whenever needed. What else?

[Anonymous]

So sad! You're kind to offer. I know it's helpful to be specific, so in addition to the more general offers, I would keep making specific ones. E.g. "We're taking Larlo on a hike this Saturday. If Arlo would like to join us, I could pick him up at 1 p.m. and return him at 5, or keep him with us for dinner if that works better." Or "I'm buying Larlo a white t-shirt for the school's' end-of-year tie-dying event, and I'm happy to pick up a second one for Arlo."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sad! You're kind to offer. I know it's helpful to be specific, so in addition to the more general offers, I would keep making specific ones. E.g. "We're taking Larlo on a hike this Saturday. If Arlo would like to join us, I could pick him up at 1 p.m. and return him at 5, or keep him with us for dinner if that works better." Or "I'm buying Larlo a white t-shirt for the school's' end-of-year tie-dying event, and I'm happy to pick up a second one for Arlo."

These are wonderful suggestions!

[Anonymous]

We had a situation like that - I was close to the mom who passed but had zero relationship with the dad. My kids were good friends but much younger at the time, so a little different, but we just basically invited the kid over often, including staying for dinner, giving rides places, and so on.

[Anonymous]

Those are good ideas. I suggest you pick one ride and make it your consistent routine, so he can count on it every single week without having to ask. Be 1000% reliable in this.

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of picking up things for school or activities. That would be so helpful! Or even - I’m signing up Larlo for camp, does Arlo want to join- if you can do that sign up so to. Happy to drive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 12 year old's very close friend just lost his mother unexpectedly on Mother's Day. The boys are in the 6th grade. I am friendly with the father but not close. We text when the need arises, and we chat at shared activities. They are active members of their country of origin's community here in town, so I believe that village will have culturally appropriate meals covered.

Other than go to the memorial service and a general, unspecified offer to help (which I know is actually not helpful), what should we do that would be at all helpful? The boys are in similar activities, so I can offer rides to activities. I can offer care when the dad has something to attend to. I can offer that this child can come over after school whenever needed. What else?

I can’t imagine what they’re going through and especially that little boy.

Rides play dates, and activities all sound extremely helpful. I’m not trying to stereotype but helping with meals, especially after the initial rush is over at least for a couple months.

[Anonymous]

Write the Father a note saying all you can do. What you are offering. So he knows. So he can refer to the details you're offering later. So he knows you're sincere.

[Anonymous]

What you have offered is sufficient. I would wait for the family to have space and time to grieve. He will come around when he is ready to receive your assistance.