Advice on relationships with old friends

[Anonymous]

Upper elementary girls. DD currently goes to a different school - but had previously been at same school as this group of girls. She had been best friends with a few. This year these girls at old school have gotten closer to other girls, and as a group they really don’t seem to treat others outside the group kindly. I wish DD would just walk away from any group interaction but easier said than done since her closest friend is a part of it, and b/c they will be all be attending the same middle school - so DD holds on to what she can at her home school.

DD plus the one friend that is still kind to her, plus old best friend that is not so kind and another girl from the group are all registered to attend a few weeks of camp together (set up of course when they were still being nice to each other earlier in the year). The plan was to carpool and have play dates and just have a fun carefree summer.

DD has not been treated well by them for months, and I quite honestly have no desire to have the two not so nice kids in my car pretending that their behavior is acceptable. We may be stuck with the camp though for logistical economical and availability reasons.

I am not really sure what would be the most beneficial or appropriate thing for me to do, if anything at all. I hate to just pretend this is all ok, b/c it is not, but my DD is really struggling to just walk away b/c her favorite person is part of the group. I don’t think I can go to parents at this age - the girls are 10+ and have ownership for how they choose to treat others at this stage.

Any advice on how you would handle if it was your kid — generally and with respect to camp?

[Anonymous]

I would not agree to any more carpools and hope it fades away.

If they do say something really mean in your car, you have every right to intervene. You can pull over and review one or two very simple rules, which you will think of in advance so you are ready to say them. One of mine is that we don't talk bad about someone who is not here to defend themself. When it happens, I nip it in the bud every time. Your daughter will be mortified but secretly relieved.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the response. I have a feeling there won’t be mean words said in the car while I’m present. Once they are dropped off and I’m no longer within ear shot, that is likely when exclusion and whatever sort of bullying tactics occur, will take place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the response. I have a feeling there won’t be mean words said in the car while I’m present. Once they are dropped off and I’m no longer within ear shot, that is likely when exclusion and whatever sort of bullying tactics occur, will take place.

Well yes, but still, drawing the line where you can makes a difference. With tweens, what you say matters even though they'll never admit it, and you have to embrace taking the opportunity and not seeing the results.

Coach your DD on ways to discourage this talk. Calling it boring can be a good one. "Larla, stop complaining about Karla, it's boring. [New topic]" And remind your DD that having a reputation as a gossip or a mean talker will make it harder for her to make other friends.

[Anonymous]

Would you tell the parent of the other kids why you no longer wish to carpool (that bullying has been going on)? Or would that make it worse for DD.