Separated/divorced communications tips

[Anonymous]

I’d love to get tips and suggestions from people who’ve BTDT on how to communicate about the kids when the parents have a high conflict relationship.

We keep all conversations to a minimum and superficial to avoid fighting, but we have teens and college and court all looming. We’re going to need to talk about paying for college, but we’re facing an upcoming trial and a lot of lies and financial deception on one side that makes it hard to keep things neutral. Any tips? Meet in a public place? Phone? Email?

Advice please!

[Anonymous]

This simple tip helped the most: create an AI assistant, such as on Claude, and run every text and email through it for tone and clarity. Instruct your AI tool that anything you say might be used in court.

[Anonymous]

Facts only. Don’t say “financial deception” bc that is not a fact but an interpretation. (A true one maybe, but still.).

Use “financial discrepancies” or something like that or “mismatched numbers” that doesn’t attempt to explain why the numbers don’t add up.

[Anonymous]

To clarify - i have no intention of talking to STBX about their deception or other BS, that’s what court is for. But in the meantime we have to talk about moving a kid to college and tuition and grad parties and STBX is super passive aggressive and sometimes it’s hard for me to try to always be the calmer and more controlled person. They really like to talk in person. That’s avoidable right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Facts only. Don’t say “financial deception” bc that is not a fact but an interpretation. (A true one maybe, but still.).

Use “financial discrepancies” or something like that or “mismatched numbers” that doesn’t attempt to explain why the numbers don’t add up.

And to my point above, Claude (or whatever AI assistant you prefer) wouldn't let you say "financial deception" or anything like that. Just make sure you use clear prompts and describe your goals, and it will rewrite your communication to help you move forward. Don't poke the bear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To clarify - i have no intention of talking to STBX about their deception or other BS, that’s what court is for. But in the meantime we have to talk about moving a kid to college and tuition and grad parties and STBX is super passive aggressive and sometimes it’s hard for me to try to always be the calmer and more controlled person. They really like to talk in person. That’s avoidable right?

Yup. I found it's better to make up excuses for why you can't talk on the phone or in person than to fight. Just be too busy to meet or talk, and keep communication to friendly texts and emails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To clarify - i have no intention of talking to STBX about their deception or other BS, that’s what court is for. But in the meantime we have to talk about moving a kid to college and tuition and grad parties and STBX is super passive aggressive and sometimes it’s hard for me to try to always be the calmer and more controlled person. They really like to talk in person. That’s avoidable right?

Yes. He likes in person bc he can needle you. Text/email is best!

[Anonymous]

If you don’t have a final settlement yet, it sounds like you may need to consider temporary orders to deal with this. And if you’re not communicating in a court approved app only, you need to start doing so right now.

Everything. In. Writing.

You can say hi and bye but everything else in writing, and if he tries to say something substantive in person you follow up with a court approved app message to him summarizing your conversation and a second one to your attorney with a summary.

-financial deception/game-playing expert, not by my own choice

[Anonymous]

Do NOT meet to talk in person. Do not discuss anything in person or on the phone.

Communicate via email or through a coparenting app ONLY so that you have a written record that cannot be altered.

If you think it is high-conflict now, it is likely to get worse and you want all communications to be documented.

[Anonymous]

Email or text, do run everything through AI to remove any tone or hostility. Does the child have a college fund? Start with that and depending on income, do a cost share. Or, simply ask him how he wants to handle expenses with the child - list them out - health insurance, uncovered medical, college tutition and living expenses, etc. However, if you have an attorney, best to go through them.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Thank you all. I kind of already knew this was a terrible idea, but he keeps insisting. I can certainly record the conversation, but it just seems like a terrible idea to have it at all.

For now, the issue is graduation and graduation party, that college is definitely a disaster that is looming

[Anonymous]

Tuition? Lawyer-up!! Lawyer-up hard

That is not something you should expect to work out through a discussion/communication with your ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT meet to talk in person. Do not discuss anything in person or on the phone.

Communicate via email or through a coparenting app ONLY so that you have a written record that cannot be altered.

If you think it is high-conflict now, it is likely to get worse and you want all communications to be documented.

Don’t use email because some jurisdictions won’t allow you to submit it as evidence plus it can easily by altered by one party when submitted as evidence. Court approved app only! I always know if my ex tried to email that things are about to get shady.

Texts are reserved for true emergencies or real-time neutral logistics, like: Larla will be outside the gym and ready for pickup in 5.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god please don’t record the conversation unless you work with an attorney who really understanding recording and consent in your state. My idiot ex recorded conversions in a two-party consent state and let’s just say a gross misdemeanor does not make a judge happy.

[Anonymous]

DC and Virginia are both single party consent states…