"I don't want anything special"--Mom's 95th birthday

[Anonymous]

Last year, we took my depressed Mom to Longwood Gardens for her birthday. We pushed her around in a wheelchair and the gardens were lovely and we had a nice meal.
Mom appreciated it, though she's depressed, saying things like: "people aren't meant to live this long" and the gardens are, well, gardens ("they're just plants.")
This year she says she just wants to go out to dinner. Which we'll do.
But my brothers and sister are flying in from thousands of miles away...should we just plan on going out without mom to the theater or something?
Not sure how to deal with the depression--she's in no pain, lives in an assisted living facility nearby, and we all visit when we can.
My older brother said she did the same thing last year and LOVED the fuss.

[Anonymous]

As somebody who’s been in this position… A very wise person told me…

The only thing you need to change is your reaction to their depression.

You’re not gonna change the fact that they wish they were dead or that their spouse was still alive or that they were still active and wonderful.

Growing old sucks let her complain but still do nice things for her.

When I took my mom to her doctors appointment, she would ask the doctor. What do I need to do to die? How much longer do I have to deal with this?

Be compassionate when she does die just let her die. Don’t use life-saving methods.

[Anonymous]

Ps you’re a good person and daughter, even though it doesn’t feel that way

[Anonymous]

Thank you.
She's been depressed for YEARS. You're right that it's not going to change. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Can you have a little party for her at the AL place? Maybe bring cake and a party favor for all residents?

I do think a few lesser events would be easier than visiting the gardens.

A little party at her AL.
Dinner with your family.
Does she have her own apartment? If so, could all the siblings go over and look at old photos with her? Let her reminisce about her younger days? My dad loves this, which gets him talking and talking.

I'm sure she gets tired, so it would have to be spurts of activity rather than combining.

[Anonymous]

^^^ Also, remember, this is about your mother, not about the siblings. I have a SIL who refuses to make anything about the elder parents. If she has traveled, then she has to do what she wants to do.

[Anonymous]

I think it's perfectly fine for you all to plan some activities without her to make it worth everyone's while who traveled, as long as it's done in a way that doesn't take time away from her, like in the evening if she goes to bed early.

[Anonymous]

I can relate about the depression - both with my mother and my MIL. They were more than ready to die well before the time came. But, both did love to go out and do things, like theater and dinner. I found community or local theater, like Olney Theater, easier than going into DC, but occasionally we'd go to the Kennedy Center or National Theater. But they tired easily so we typically went out early in the day and limited what we did. It's really nice that you all are getting together to celebrate.

PP is right though, you can't change the depression, only your reaction to it. I reminded myself of that all the time.

[Anonymous]

What time of year? What area is she in? We can suggest some things that she might not hate and your other family would enjoy. What did she used to enjoy? I would try to do a little something so it's not so depressing for the rest of you. But don't expect her to change.

Manicures? Another meal out? A local garden like Brookside if you're near Wheaton? Watching an old favorite movie together? Looking at photos is good. Getting ice cream?

[Anonymous]

Can you make a video from old photos of her through the ages, with you all as kids, etc. that you watch together? Maybe have everyone over to your house so people can sprawl on sofas and chairs and watch together as a group.

[Anonymous]

My mom is also 95 and while mentally fine, is physically frail. She tires issues and has mobility issues so that even things she could manage at 90---like going out to eat---are now physically exhausting. For her birthday I did a small luncheon but also put together a lifetime slideshow for her which covered every decade of her life (with period appropriate music). (I used a creator on Etsy to do it and it was worth ever penny). It was an opportunity to talk about meaningful events and people in her life and she could watch it more than once on her iPad. Another friend of mine used a service that puts together a book comprised of the answers to questions that had been sent to his mom about her life.

[Anonymous]

Would she enjoy a gentle massage? Perhaps she's touch starved and could use the rejuvenation.

[Anonymous]

My mom is in her 90's and has buried her husband, all her friends, her friend's husbands, all of her siblings and all but one of her husband's siblings. I imagine it must be quite lonely to have lost all of your friends to death and then maybe you do start to wonder about joining all of those you have lost. I'm not sure that looking at a photo album of all of those people would actually make me feel better. My mother mostly looks at all of the pictures and tells me what they died of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you have a little party for her at the AL place? Maybe bring cake and a party favor for all residents?

I do think a few lesser events would be easier than visiting the gardens.

A little party at her AL.
Dinner with your family.
Does she have her own apartment? If so, could all the siblings go over and look at old photos with her? Let her reminisce about her younger days? My dad loves this, which gets him talking and talking.

I'm sure she gets tired, so it would have to be spurts of activity rather than combining.

Omg don't do that. So stupid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is in her 90's and has buried her husband, all her friends, her friend's husbands, all of her siblings and all but one of her husband's siblings. I imagine it must be quite lonely to have lost all of your friends to death and then maybe you do start to wonder about joining all of those you have lost. I'm not sure that looking at a photo album of all of those people would actually make me feel better. My mother mostly looks at all of the pictures and tells me what they died of.

This was my mom-she outlived her entire family except kids and grandkids. She also had depression for a long time. I bought a blank, lined book from the card shop and wrote down a lot of questions asking about her favorite things, opinions, anything I could think of. She’d write the answers between visits. I visited often but this gave her something different to talk about and she said she liked it.